Can't win for losing

I have a friend that I've been talking to off and on(telephone and small visits)for the past 4 years. We've both had our share of nasty relationships in the past and that's the greatest thing we both have in common and we chat about alot.We both have children and we do things together with them. We have helped each other in so many ways via financial and emotional support. She just claimed that she wants more than a friendship with me and that if we couldn't have a relationship then we should at least continue as good friends. She never tells me how she feels at times and sometimes when I ask her questions about "us" she withdraws telling me she doesn't want to talk about it.When we're out she gets upset when I get stares and looks from other women but insists to her friends and family that we're not in a relationship and "just friends".We constantly spat even on the pettiest issues which causes me to back off(not call or come around for a while) until the pot boils over.But the next time we talk she asks me why am I acting strange and funny. I just don't know what to do. I think I'm in a win-lose situation in which I would like to be in a win-win situation. Any type of advice will help on this.


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  • # Posted 2 years ago
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hanitaa
37 answers
33 thumbs up

My dear man

it seems to me one of you is going to have to be the first to speak his true wishes. perhaps it can be you, seeing that you are the man, and most woman still prefer it the conventional way.

My advice to you is to figure out with yourself what you want, and then buy a nice boquey of flowers to back it up. tell her she is the woman on your mind. that she is the one you seek advice about, that she is the main female character that interests you. spend as little time as possible talking about relationship and as much time possible enjoying your time together. speaking about it ruines it.

find things you both love doing and do them. get to know her children, their hobbies, their dreams and aspirations. take the whole bunch of people to the zoo, or ice skating, ot whatever you guys like to do, ask them what they like doing.

its about being together really, life is. build trust by being there, by not judging the pace. its ok to love someone, and to even say it.

good luck.
Posted 2 years ago ( permalink )
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bensishar
20 answers
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Hi. First off, what was your answer when she said she wanted a relationship with you? I can't give you much advise without knowing the answer to that. If you said you weren't ready, and she is, i'm sure it's driving her nuts. It's mind numbing to feel rejected. But she's tryng to respect your feelings and tell people you are just friends, although it's tearing her up inside (hence, her getting mad when you get stares).

If your answer to a possible relationship was yes. Then i don't know why she is acting strangely. She stated she wanted the relationship. Unless she wants it, but is desperately scared to get hurt again (you stated you both had some bad past relationships).

The only thing i can suggest is take her somewhere secluded and romantic (like in your car, parked at the beach at night, no interuptions, etc...) SIT AND TALK AND ASK HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS AND WHAT HER FEELINGS AND FEARS ARE. And don't add in your thoughts at that point. Make it all about her for that moment, and just listen. It's the only way to really find out what's going on. I hope you get your win-win situation. The two of you have been friends for a long time and friendship is always the best way to begin a relationship. Good luck. Mj.
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Thanks Ban. My reply to her was that we could take things day by day and see how it goes. I thought about doing exactly what you mentioned and taking her to a place and telling her how I felt but I thought that I would get another one of those "I don't wanna talk about it" deals again. I am ready for another relationship but she leaves me in the dark about things and so I never know what she ever wants and alot of times I have to play the guessing game with her. When should I come over...When should I call. And when I do she's either not at home or she's so busy she can't answer her cell. She lives in another part of town so when I show up at her home and she's not there it's all a waste of time, money and not to ever mention precious gas. So alot of times I wait for her to come around to telling me when she wants company. I don't call because she may be busy or come over and that's when she complains. That she's always calling and coming to see me. That's why I say I can't win for losing. Last thing is that I believe she's got too much pride to ask for anything and that's why she just expects me to know when to come see her and when to call. Thanks for your input it was very helpful. 
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Thanks Ban. My reply to her was that we could take things day by day and see how it goes. I thought about doing exactly what you mentioned and taking her to a place and telling her how I felt but I thought that I would get another one of those "I don't wanna talk about it" deals again. I am ready for another relationship but she leaves me in the dark about things and so I never know what she ever wants and alot of times I have to play the guessing game with her. When should I come over...When should I call. And when I do she's either not at home or she's so busy she can't answer her cell. She lives in another part of town so when I show up at her home and she's not there it's all a waste of time, money and not to ever mention precious gas. So alot of times I wait for her to come around to telling me when she wants company. I don't call because she may be busy or come over and that's when she complains. That she's always calling and coming to see me. That's why I say I can't win for losing. Last thing is that I believe she's got too much pride to ask for anything and that's why she just expects me to know when to come see her and when to call. Thanks for your input it was very helpful. 
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Shannonr1179
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Stop living in the past relationships and look to new ones. If the two of you want to try a relationship together start making new memories. A good relationship will make the two of you stronger and closer. Try not to compare each other to relationships from your past.  You obviously care about each other but remember this

Don't marry the one you can live with, Marry the one you can't live with out!
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