Hi, Njoy! Well, I wanted to know about the worst way to open a novel, but that isn't quite it.  That is much too readable!  Surely there is a way to wreck literature that is worse than that!

As night fell . . . rain was pounding the roof as pain began thumping my skull.  All about me was dizzy and . . . Charlie spoke . . . "What is wrong?" I said with amazement.  His voice was far away in a tunnel under a bridge sort of sound.  The room was so dark.  The wind outside was so strong.  I didn't think I could survive the night, but I did.

Okay, let's wreck an opening line with a truly rotten cliche' or nine that I just connived: 

"As night fell, with a resounding clatter, not entirely unlike a bunch of knavish, frequently misbehaving felines on an over-warm steel roof that Tennessee Williams had installed, and the building inspector just walked away and grimaced, I suddenly knew that something had gone wrong again, that the resounding clatter was not any ordinary tomcat, but an errantly driven F-14 that surely wasn't on the way back to the aircraft carrier, and suddenly, I began to fear for my literary survival that this was another opening line rotten enough to make it into, "It was a dark and stormy night."

Now, THAT has to be the worst way to start a novel!

But surely, you can commit even worse literary mischief!