I don't like or trust my daughter's boyfriend

You had me mum, I was reading and feeling your emotions until I got to the sentence beginning with;

"No, we are not paying for the wedding, ..."

and then you lost me. From there, your post reads as if she's doing this to you. And after all you've done for her, and now she goes and does this to you. Mum, she's not doing this to you, she's doing this to herself, but you can't get past your own emotions to see that.

Without going into detail here, you are not the only parent who's had to put up with a lousy prospective son-in-law. As an explanation to her behavior, women make emotional investments in men when forming a relationship and once that's done it's not easily undone. So that guy, who looks real great and exciting to her at first, and then becomes a real bastard, but by that time she's got so much invested in this relationship that just walking away isn't an option.

Since you've asked for my advice (and you did that when you submitted your post) here's what I think; stop taking this so personally, (this is a terrible thing to say and I hope you're just saying this from anger)

"Yep, we've turned on our daughter too."

"and the only way to make it stop is pretend she doesn't exist."

and find a way to be supportive without embracing your son-in-law or financially supporting them. Good grief woman, she hasn't robbed or murdered anyone has she.

Now let's talk about some other potentially innocent people here, you're writing off your future grandchildren because you don't approve of their mother's boyfriend??? Mum, I seriously hope you rethink this and modify your feelings to understand your daughters actions, and accept any children she may have from this union. I can promise you that these kids will not be the devils children, but your attitudes sure make it seem that they are.

Think about it!

There are people who have written to this board who have kids who have robbed, drugged and neglected their children, who would give their eyeteeth to  trade kids problems with you. You are one tough cookie and the only one as stubborn as you is your daughter. I wonder where she got that quality. 

OK, you've convinced me that you're not going to change your mind, so let me ask why did you write your original post?

In the interest of an information exchange I offer you the following but I'm skipping lots of details; 6 years ago I could have written most of your original post. Believe me when I tell you that the difference between the way she and I (and her mother) viewed this guy was night and day and we offered counselling, opinions and etc. She reminded us that she was now an adult (she was 19) and capable of making her own decisions.

And she was right, so 6 months after the vows she was miserable. Obviously the answer was to have a kid so 3 years into the marriage an attempt was made to solve maritial problems with a child. Then, 2 years after that, the night of their 5th anniversary he (allegedly) spent with another woman and that was the straw ... She called me the next day and asked what we could do to help her. I told her that before anything she had to assure me there was no reconcillation possibility and when she did that we helped her start a new life.

This guy has promised her the sun, moon and stars to reconcile but she's not buying that now and I think she's got a good chance to live a normal happy life. Without us as an option, however, that would never happen and the grandchild, well I wouldn't take one billion dollars for him.

Your phrase "parents have rights" is interesting. I used the phrase "we give ourselves permission" to allow her to live the life she believed she wanted and although painful at times she's our kid and nothing would change that. When she was finished with the guy, we were there to help, and I can't imagine not taking that call.

OK, for what it's worth that's my experience.