What should i do?

Hi Michelle,

    I'm so sorry that you are feeling downhearted.  My suggestion is for you to seek marriage counseling to save your marriage.  You have kids together and they'll be the ones to suffer the most.  You just don't see eye to eye, although you say that you still love each other.  The fact that you barely sleep together is a big problem.  You  need to be honest with each other.  That does not seem to be the action of a couple who still love each other.  Does your husband have a problem with impotence?  Does he have any medical condition that causes this lack of desire for sex?  Both of you need to see your doctors to rule out any medical conditions that may be causing a decrease in libido.

     Couples who have successful marriages worked hard to make it so.  So you need to both work harder to improve your marital relations for your sake and for the children's sake too.

    I hope that you both will try harder.  I'll be praying for both of you.

Michelle ~

He is like a little boy with a new toy ~ himself!!  If you have explained that his behavior HURTS you, and he says you are overreacting, then there is a real problems going on.  There is not a owman on the planet that can produce 4 children and not be a bit chubby.  Now that he is healthier, you should be having more sex than you were before, so something is going on.  Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you.  If he declines, then you have to decide if you can live with this "new person" anymore.  You have weathered it for 2 years now, and from what you said, he doesn't seem to think that hurting you is a big deal.  You deserve better ~ much better!

I dont know if there was ever a time when you may have made him feel bad, or "cracked jokes" regarding his looks, or weight; but it seems that he was once insecure himself and now that he's worked on his appearance, he's just feeling like he's got his mojo back.

I dont think that you should leave him because of this, instead I think that you should work on yourself, and put yourself in the same position that he's in. I'm not saying loose weight and go hit on men, but try anything that will give you some inner peace. Even if it's changing your hair, or buying some new clothes. Maybe you should get a babysitter for you children( if they're young enough) and go hang out with friends. Give him a little taste of the fact that your getting your mojo back too.

Sometimes when we are in relationships, we get comfortable in thinking that we dont have to keep ourselves up, or that the underdog of the relationship will always stay the underdog of the relationship. Sometimes we feel as if the one that we are with will always love us irregardless of our changes in life. That is true to a certain degree, but you have to constantly keep stepping your game up, not for competition because there will always be someone prettier, richer, smarter, thinner, or more sucessful. You just have to do it so that you know within yourself that you did everything you were supposed to do, not only for him to love you, but stay IN LOVE WITH YOU. and if you two have just gotten tired of one another, you can always look back and say at least I conditioned myself for the next relationship ( I dont see that happening with you two though).

Love Honey

HI Michelle ,   He is not showing any compassion for you or your feelings .  Regardless if he thinks it is in your head or not really doesn't matter , they are your feelings right or wrong , real or not , it is still how HE is making you feel .  His " going after other women "  is not correct behavior for a man who says he loves and cares about you .  He says you are insecure , his behavior is not helping you overcome this .   He's being disrespectful .  Ask him if he is still in love with you , ask him if he's having an affair .  Tell him you do not feel loved by him any longer .  Ask him how he would feel if you went seeking other men's attention and affection and you were to tell him it was just in his head .   If he loves you this will get his attention and he will use that mojo properly , on you .  If not seek some professional help , you are hurting and he should be willing to do anything and everything  to ease your pain .  When two people are in love they become one , when one hurts the other hurts , if they truly love you .

You've gotten some good advice from DB and Equus. I pretty much agree with them.

I did want to say that this is NOT about weight in any real sense. It's about your husband's issues, and the fact that he isn't acting lovingly towards you. It's very possible that he had a lot of self-loathing about his weight--it's common, unfortunately, and our society really beats us up and tells everybody else that we're fair game.

I've seen this same kind of thing happen with a couple with whom my partner and I were really close. The man lost a huge amount of weight, and suddenly he was Mr. Horndog. His wife had been on a bunch of fertility drugs and had other health problems that caused her to gain weight, and couldn't lose it. He used that as justification for affairs and abuse. She put up with it for 8 years after the first affair, and it just got worse and worse. She did everything you could possibly imagine to please him, and nothing worked--because she was never the problem.

I suggest that you establish boundaries as to the behavior you will and will not accept. Tell him the cruising other women and such is over, and be specific as to what exactly is and is not okay. Be clear that you aren't telling him what he has to do, but what you can accept in your marriage. If he isn't willing to work with you, he's just looking for a way out of the marriage.

Find a therapist you can work with, and a couples counselor for the two of you (may or may not be the same person).

Good luck!