My boyfriend is on an emotional roller coaster ...

Thank you for your helpful advice.  I think you're right.  I have thought about leaving him many, many times, and it's been going on for a very long time.  

Part of my confusion is that when he's not under stress he's really nice.  However, he's so private that I rarely know if he has been involved in an incident, and then when I meet him and I'm late or something, he overreacts to it and it takes me by surprise.  He becomes really quiet and withdrawn, and he mumbles under his breathe.  Sometimes he snaps out of it during dinner and sometimes not.  In a nutshell, I never know what to expect, and when I discover that he's in a bad mood, I don't know if he'll come out of it or not.

A few months ago, for three weekends in a row he came extremely close to picking fist fights with complete strangers when we were in downtown San Francisco on Saturday nights.  By then we had already been together for over a year, and so I did not know that he had it in him.  These people were inconsiderate, horrible drivers, and if the police had been there they would have been fined, but my boyfriend wanted to beat them up, and that's just really, really strange.  He's a lawyer, and so he got in their faces and said, "Do you want to mess with an attorney! Huh???"  It's almost surreal.  I haven't seen him do it for a couple of months, but I have only seen him for about 3 hours in the last 3 weeks because of his final exams.  Who knows how he's behaving on campus.  He's at Berkeley.

Part of my confusion is because for the first 6 months he appeared completely stable.  During that period I had to deal with constant interference that was coming from his ex girlfriend and his mom, but he always appeared as cool as a cucumber.  Later I realized that he was lying to both of them and that they were acting out blind folded.  In other words, they were confused too, just like me.  In November '07 I confronted him about it and said that he had to be straight with them, and he did not do it, and the situation kept reaching boiling points until I broke up with him in January.  He promised to take care of it and we got back together.  To some degree he handled his ex, but it was not enough, and he did nothing about his mom.

Before I met him I briefly dated a variety of other men who come from different walks of life, and they did strange things that were immediately obvious.  I dated one guy for awhile and then I ran a background report on his cell phone number and discovered that he was using a fake name and fake identity altogether.  I also met guys who turned out to be in relationships, and one was married, and then of course I ran into a garden variety of men who wanted to have sex on the first date.  Every time I meet someone on Eharmony or whatever I'll have to run a background check on Intelius, using their cell phone number.  It is very difficult to find a good boyfriend and so it helps to explain why I have stayed in my relationship as long as I have.

Thanks.  You are correct that it has been difficult. 

I should clarify that I did not stay with the others.  Usually I was able to tell within the first couple of dates that something strange was going on and I stopped seeing them right away.

The reason I continued to date my current boyfriend is because I could not see the problems for a long time.  For example, we had been dating for 6 weeks before I discovered that he was still friends with his ex girlfriend.  At that moment I was in his arms, and his Blackberry buzzed.  He whipped it out and read it in front of me, and it was from a woman.  She wrote, "I hope you're having fun with Dr. Love."  It was clear that she was malicious.  We ended up having a long discussion about their ongoing friendship, and I told him that she had a bad vibe but he refused to listen to me.  Over time the problem grew exponentially and he always refused to listen.

I found out about his mom after about 3 weeks, but he promised to remedy the problem by getting a separate apartment, and then he didn't do it.  It appeared to be a financial problem, because he still had to pay the mortgage on his condo where she lives.  After we had been together for a year he went back to school, and so now he rents an inlaw unit in Berkeley, but he's not allowed to have an overnight guest for longer than a couple of days.  It just means that he knew that he wouldn't be ready to cohabitate until the end of the school year.

We had a monumentally eventful weekend.  I don't know if I'm supposed to be filled with joy or if I'm supposed to be angry and depressed after all that happened.

This is what happened:  Last week he asked what I want to do on Christmas and I mentioned going to midnight mass at a huge church downtown, but I quickly changed my mind because I realized that his ex might be there.  He said she wouldn't, and I asked how he could be sure.  He sounded evasive, and so I asked "Are you still in communication with her?" and he said no.  I suspected he was, so on Saturday I read the log on his Blackberry and discovered that he had sent her a text message to ask if she received his Christmas card.  She responded that she did, and that the reason she didn't respond to it was because she was waiting for his final exams to be over. 

I confronted him about it and he explained that his relationship with her has changed and he hasn't talked to her much since last January.  I found myself explaining to him for the millionth time that she's not his friend because she's malicious, and that his ongoing contact with her is unfair to me.  I walked away and left him at the Asian Art Museum, and when I was halfway across the street he ran after me. 

I came back and then we were fine, but in the evening we went to the Nutcracker and through the entire show all I could think about was our relationship.  I leaned forward in my chair, leaning against the rail to have some space.  During intermission he left and I could tell he was upset, and he came back.  As soon as the show ended he told me that he wanted to leave right away to get his car, and he told me to stay and meet him in front of the building.  I trailed behind and I saw him try to call someone but they didn't answer their phone, and he put his phone away, and then he tried calling again. 

We had a calm conversation about it, and I explained it to him like this:  "We hardly saw each other for 3 weeks because you were in finals, and as soon as school was over you took care of everybody else first, and now I'm discovering that you're still friends with Tara."  Somehow we were able to discuss the whole thing and we ended up being fine. 

Honestly, I don't know how we do it.  It's as if we can take the most incomprehensible load of cr-p, and spend an hour dealing with it and then we're fine for awhile until something new crops up.  I recharge my inner batteries during the no drama times.  That's how I've lasted for 16 months.

You are not going to believe this, or maybe you will because it goes along with the whole confusion factor that I mentioned earlier.  Today we went to Union Square, and I wanted to peek into Saks 5th Avenue, and for a moment we were standing in the cosmetics department staring blankly at their huge store, when he asked me what kind of stone I would want in my engagement ring. 

If you start laughing I will hear you on my end of the network!  (Just kidding.)

We ended up at Tiffany's, and he politely asked the sales lady about a solitaire diamond ring, but it was $14,000.  Then she showed him another one, but it was $10,000, and so we graciously excused ourselves and we left the store.  When we were back in his car I said, "Honey, you're in school and my hours have been cut back at work; we really don't have any money; let's get a plain gold band that we can afford."  He said he wants me to have a nice ring and he gave a huge explanation why I should have one, which was really kind.  I set a few ground rules to make shopping easier:  It has to cost under $2,000, it has to be yellow gold not platinum, and it's fine to order it online but we would need a jeweler to look at it.

I never know what's coming next.  This is the reason why I'm completely confused all the time.  At this moment, I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy about getting engaged or thinking that the whole thing s--ks because it has been SOoo difficult.