When your mate is addicted to pornography

Hello.  I know you are upset, but based on what you said here, it does not sound like he is 'addicted' to it.  It sounds like it is something he enjoys watching ever now and then.  The fact that it is porn, you immediately think 'addiction' simply because you don't like it.  What would be the difference if it were regular movies that he watch during those instances in your life.  My point is that you should not jump to conclusions with accusations of addiction.  Secondly, would you prefer he went outside the marriage and had an affair?  You said yourself that it is something that men do.  Most men do.  That's a fact.  Even if I didn't want my husband to look at porn every once and a while, I'd rather he watch porn than have an affair and bring some disease or another women's baby home.  Sometimes, we as women tend to jump the gun and go off into the deep end because we want out husbands to be perfect gentlmen.  The fact is that if we don't give them room to breathe and have some ounce of space, they will go where they can get it.  Research sex addiction or porn addiction on your computer...not getting opions about what it is from this site.....but research it yourself, and when you read it, you husband, based on what you have said, will not fit into those catagories.  I'm not making light of your situation.  I understand it all too well.  You are mad and I understand that.  I understand that we want our husbands to think we are god's gift.  The fact is that men are men and women are women.  Pick up an issue of Elle, Madamoselle or Cosmo.  Those are all well known women's fashion magazines.  What if one was at your home on the coffee table and your husband got offended by the photos of half-naked guys in them.  Would you stop buying them forever, or think that he is being unreasonable?  If you went to your friends house, without your husband, and she had a copy of the lastest issue, would you browse through it or would you ignore it.  I'm just trying to give you different ways to see this.  Go back home.  Things could be far worse.  But to accuse him for being a man as your sole reason or leaving is unreasonable.  Don't walk away from your marriage.  Again, I don't know you or your husband, but from what you described is NOT porn addiction.  He obiviously loves you if he is asking you to come back home.  I wish you the best of luck.  Take care and think about what I have said. 

Hello.  I just returned from the grocery store and couldn't help but think about your situation.  I kept saying could I have said more...did she understand....and I certainly didn't want to sound like I was defending him.  So when I returned home, I saw that you responded but I now see that there is a lot more going on here that porn.  I understand where you are coming from more clearly.  I think it is time that you and your husband speak with a counselor.  With his behaviors lending to things being shut off and other things being hid from you, it is not fair to you or your child to be put in a situation like that.  Just as long as there is no violence being done to you, I would say to you to try and speak with him and suggest going to a counselor together.  I would say to him that, that would be one of the conditions that he will have to agree upon in order for you to come back home.  Be firm and don't back down or give in to "it will never happen again".  Another condition would be that you need to see what is being paid and how much is being paid and you need to be able to monitor accounts also.  Nothing should ever be hidden in marriage.  Nothing!  The important thing is to make him see that you are not backing down and that you are serious about the changes that need to take place in order for the marriage to survive.  It can, but it is going to take a lot of compromising. Sometimes, depending on the insurance, marriage counseling is offered either free or on a sliding scale (based on income) See what is out there for you.  Find whatever resources you can that will help you and your husband.  It's very important that you stick to this and do all you can.  That doesn't pretend it's not happening and hold your head down.  You keep your head up.  Don't give in and don't back away.  Let him know that he needs to fight equally as hard to save his marriage.  I hope that he wakes up and gets it.  I want everything to work out for you two.  If it does not ... At least you put forth an effort to do something about it.  However we won't think that way.  Remain positive at all times.  Everything's going to be ok.   

Well i have a strong opinion about porn.I hate it for the same reason as you do.I watched it in the past with my men no problem and the person i am with now i don't feel comfortable with watching them because he disrespected me so many times as far as looking at woman (when i was pregnant just to name one).I know people like to watch it for whatever reason,but when he watches it at the most vulnerable time is not acceptable to me.It may be "natural to men" but when you have his child, porn is not something you want him to be looking at.I would rather him use his hand or perhaps maybe you can help him out.I think the main issue is that this is not the first time it's happen and he already told you the first time that he would not do it again.When it all comes down to it,it a respect thing and he is not respecting you or the fact that he has already promised not to do it.

I amso sorry that you are having to feel this betrayal. 

Porn is an addition, and without help he will never stop.  I say this because I know. He HAS to get help. 

It kills marriages.  The problem is much deeper then the porn.  I find his excuse while dealing with cancer selfish, and not worthy of your forgiveness.  Until he meets his problem dead on. 

If you have family there for you, I would not go back.  Till he earns your trust. This is not about you, I hope you realize that. 

 Remember one thing. You have a child now and they will learn from you how to be treated. Honor yourself. So your child with honor themself.

Stay strong girl!  check out the site. www.themarriagebed.com

My ex-wife had a problem with me and porn as well.  She called it "cheating" and said that I was addicted to it.  The thing of it is, porn is actually a singular result of man's need to fantasize.  It's hard to explain, but men fantasize often.  They would probably never act on their fantasies, but they have them nonetheless.  Women have them as well.  My last partner, Lois, was in love with two celebrities to a nauseating level.  It is natural for humans to have fantasies.  Unfortunately, what happens when our partner isn't feeling too keen on our fantasies?

I feel for your dilemma.  Perhaps you need to set up some sort of ground rules.  First off, you are going to have to accept something:  There is nothing you can do to eliminate porn from your husband's life unless he wants it gone.  If you demand that he stop looking at it, renting it, or buying it and he really wants to get it, he will find a way somehow to have it without you knowing (I kept porn in the back of an old TV set my ex and I had and whenever she went out or went to bed before me, I could pull it out whenever).  So you will have to accept that.  It ain't fair, but that's what's there.  You could try talking to him about how much it hurts that he does this.  Communication is always the answer to a problem...especially before things become problems. 

If talking doesn't work, perhaps Counseling would help.  I would say that you should consider going back but only if you love him and feel that he is more valuable in your life with the porn than outside of your life entirely.

It is a Man's cheap way out of it when he say's he is addicted to porn,, Give me a break!!! That is B.S!!! In todayas world there r so many addiction's that u r addicted to addictions!!!  U R right for holding your ground!!  My husband & I had a very long talk about this & he told me it is a mans way of leagaly cheating.. Any time U think about having sex with another person and not your mate then it is cheating..U could just as well say that U R not in Love with them & that they do not fulfill your needs..When U R in Love with someone why would Uwant to degrade them & give them a complex or hurt them in anyway??!! Porn IS NOT NATURAL!!! Where these peole come up with their info is a mistry to me!! Most likely one of those over payed best friends,,what do they call their selfs?? ..Oh ya a Therapist!! People seem to think they R some kind of God of a curel all.. Any ways trust & believe in yourself U R doing the right thing..He already proved he can not be trusted so why trust him again?/..Good Luck!! Peace..