I have been married for 19 years, I discovered my ...

listen sweetheart,I'm a female and once a cheater always a cheater,I've had some experience in that area,and men are all the same.there all dogs.

Grace,

so that's it!... ensured you that he made steps ...what steps are those???? to me, that is an answer that a man would give a loyal wife of 19 years the answer she wants to hear... the fact that you are even asking that question says to me that you don't buy it.,but you would like to hear "yea, don't worry he won't cheat again".. I can not tell you that... Just like a woman couldn't if a man asked that question. If you really believe what he is telling you would you be asking the question? .....

do not sell yourself short sweetheart, you know the answer to this question.

turn up the heat!

Sincerely.

G

Forty year old guy here, married just under six years.

Nineteen years is a long time; I imagine you've both been through some hardship in that period. And it certainly may be worth continuing to work on.

But I wonder: Is this the first time he's cheated in 19 years, or the first time you've caught him in 19 years? Maybe while you're being honest with each  other, you can ask him that question. 

Would I ever cheat? When I was 19, I would have said, "NEVER! I am an honorable man!" But doesn't everyone think they're basically a good person? I do. So I think people start convincing themselves some things are ok. "It's just a kiss. That's not cheating. And Zarelda is so lonely. Really, I'm just being helpful. I won't tell the wife because she might not understand." And it gets deeper and deeper. 

So again, would I ever cheat? Maybe. I haven't. Yet. But I'm on guard against it. Because it has happened to too many good people, where they screw up and do what they KNOW is wrong, but somehow have convicned themselves it's ok. I didn't get married at 19. I got married at 34. I'd learned a few things about other people, and about myself. I know I can be tempted (usually by something containing chocolate...) and that while usually strong, there are times I'm weak. So I can't tell myself "I'll never do that." but instead, "That could be me if I'm not careful."

Forget what we (at Yedda) say: Is the pain you went through, and might someday have to go through again, worth the upside? Would it be better to have this guy gone -- or would it be better to have him, warts and all, in your life?

Finally, and I hate this part of my response, because it is so cliche, but it is true: Sometimes, it takes a third party to help you sort through all these questions: A counselor, either for you both or JUST for you, privately, can be a big help.

There's one last thing: You're at least as old as I am, so you know a bit about life. There's a good chance you've already decided what to do. It may be burried in your mind, but part of you has probably made the decision: I'm going to give this jerk another chance --- or, He's out of here. A neutral third party can help you hear what you may already said inside yourself.

I am in total agreement with Newman's answer.  I couldn't have said it better.  How very true that we tell ourselves "I'll never do that".  How very naive.  Unfortunatley, none of us can predict the future or the circumstances that may lead to our behavior; it is much wiser to say, "That could be me if I am not careful". 

I don't agree that once a cheater, always a cheater.  I think that a person can get caught up in something that gets out of control.  Once that person realizes that they have done wrong and that they have made a mistake, I believe that they can be redeemed.  Sometimes, the sexual tension and attraction between two people is soooooo strong that you might fight it for YEARS while trying to remain faithful.  This might sound cold hearted, but sometimes the release of that tension between two people can resolve the problem.  I do not advocate cheating.  I think that it is very wrong and I think that adultery is a sin, but we are all humans faced with temptations every day.  Never say never.