Hi, I'm falling in love with this girl. I just turned 15 on May 8th, and the girl I really like is 14. I've known her for 3 years and we're still in Middle School, about to be freshman's. In 6th grade, I thought she was cute. But she thought I was gross, (which sucks). I'm not good with girls, which I think is pathetic. I am self-concious about myself. She's one of the most popular girls at my school, and I think I'm a loser cause I never had a girlfriend yet (well, some girl wanted to use me to make someone else jealous; but that doesn't count). I am a trouble maker, which sucks. I get into trouble a lot, and basically I'm a clown in my classes/courses. I am not hardcore, but I mess around in class. My friends are semi-popular, I guess.. Just that I'm the only loser. :)
I came back from my in-school campus, C.A.E.P. Campus Alternative Education Program. And I realized the girl I liked in 6th grade was so beautiful. I never noticed it, which I am a FOOL! 4 Days later I get in trouble for assault and was sent to M.R. Wood's.
When I came back from a Alternative Campus, M.R. Wood's where it's a behavior learning center since I was transffered there for Assault (this kid messed with me)..
When I was in M.R. Wood's I'd think about the girl a lot. Almost everyday she popped into my head, which was killing me. I'd walk 2.5 miles home thinking about her everyday when I walk home from my bus drop off. The girl I been liking is named Michelle. So when I came back to my regular school I began with, which I had to enroll again. I see Michelle (God she's like a beautiful angel with a halo over her head, LOL!). No matter how fruity this is, I don't care. So basically I've been falling in love for her everyday.. When we were doing a project for my English, we sat in the library. Michelle was wearing a green thong, and some of my friends were staring at it. They even pointed it to me, so I basically walked up to Michelle and told her. She turned all red and pulled her shirt down as much as she could. When the day ended, I got hurt. I felt like shit, since after all your 'love' thinks your a pervert and a douchebag. It hurt me so bad that Michelle thought I was a douchebag/pervert. I couldn't forgive myself.. And my friend already knew I liked her, he can tell by the look on my face towards her. He told her, and I said, "I don't care if you tell her.." But I actually do, cause if she gets grossed out. That'll kill me. She just turned red/blushed and laughed it off. Or pretended she didn't hear that. She'd say, "Whaaaatt?" to pretend she never heard that. Even if she knew exactly what I was talking about. I even started writing rap's/poems just to get a chance to talk to Michelle. Since it's a bit awkward cause we have nothing in common. We have nothing to chat about, so basically I tell her to read them. Also I been trying to work out more just to impress her. But she likes this other guy named Shareef Elsaadi which hurts me. Even my friend told me in class that Michelle randomly whispered to herself, "I wanna' bang Shareef!". Which hurts, cause I don't have a six-pack. Technically I am not fat, but I was when I was a child. So it sucks that I packed a few pounds from my childhood.
I'D DO ANYTHING FOR MICHELLE. She gives me this glance which makes me want her more. It kills me not to be able to hold her, and tell her how much I 'love' her. I try to tell her, but it comes out wrong and I look even more dumb in her point-of-view. Like when I'd look at her in class and just wink at her. She knows I like her, since I asked her out 3 seperate times within a month. First two she laughed and said, "No". But the 3rd time she had a straight face and just rejected me with a "No.." It kills me not to be with her, and I even treasure the moments I had with her. <-- Wow, I sound so fucking pathetic.. Anyways, back to the story.
She has this kind of glance, where you can't stop staring at her. It's like almost impossible. Everytime I feel like she doesn't like me, my friends encourage me that she does. Like in class we were reading this story, she kept looking up at my direction. (Basically straight at me). There was no one there to talk to. Keith my friend told me, that she'd be staring at me. He's like, "She has the hots for you; She looks like she's spying on you." I suck at getting girls, I even message her on myspace and try to talk to her. She ignores me, and really never answers back. She also only tells my friends she loves them randomly, and not me. My feelings get so mixed up, and I am emotional. I just never show them, I basically bottle them up and I get fustrated.. I 'love' her so much, she just doesn't even care about me. I'd literally walk a thousand miles just to be able to SEE HER! I know that seems pathetic, but I can't seem to notify her that I am willing to do anything to make her happy. Even if I mess with her, and I get so bored I mess with other girls. But the only girl I actually want is Michelle.
I got so jealous the other day when she hugged some guy named Preston, this short little kid, haha. On the bus stop where they were loading kids to drop us off at our homes. She hugged him, and I wish that was me.. Which sucks horribly, especially if someone you want so bad. She even tells me I'm annoying, and tells me to Shutup. But days pass, and she gives me some clues that she likes me. Even if it's the smallest detail, I feel like she likes me. It's the way she acts upon me, either that or she does that to everyone.. I want her to bad, it hurts.. I'd even sell my soul to the devil (I know, that's messed up) just to have at least a 10 minute chat with her. I am so FUCKING PATHETIC. But it kills me to see her unhappy.
I wrote a poem for her (hopefully no one in my school see's this!):
Cry me a river -
Can't get you out've my head.
Hurts more than what you've said.
It's killing me slowly, soon I'll be dead.
As I write this I mourn in pain.
My heart hurts as the tears pour like rain.
I can't stop thinking about you.
Hurts more that you have no clue.
I'd walk for eternity just to see you.
To hold, to hug, to kiss you.
But the chance are slim to none.
As I cry me a river, it overflows and always run.
MICHELLE, I FUCKING LOVE YOU. AND I HATE MYSELF CAUSE IT'S KILLING ME SLOWLY, LITERALLY. GOD, I WISH IT STOPS.. BUT I WILL ALWAYS HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. :(
I JUST WISH YOU FELT THE SAME FOR ME, BUT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.
AND I'M NOT GOING TO GET OVER THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE NO FEELINGS FOR ME WHATSOEVER.
QUESTION: WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MY PATHETIC LIFE? UGHH..
