My husband has a problem that I did not know about until after we were married but has evidently been going on for years. For one thing, he is addicted to pornography. When I enter the room with him he sometimes clicks out of something really fast and shuts his computer. i have also found pornography on his laptop. I think I could have handled helping him with his problems if it was just pictures, but he also has this fetish that I found out about that is absolutely repulsive. He puts on diapers and clothing that resembles and infant and then either pees or ejaculates into the diaper. He has been posting pictures and videos of himself online with these garments on. I called him on it once and we both ended up in tears and he confessed that it was awful and that he would never do it again. Just today, I found a Pay pal transaction for more adult diapers, the shipment is set to be sent to a friend of his (so I wont find out I'm sure). I love this man and i think he needs serious help. But if he is not willing to get help, I am filing for divorce. This whole ordeal has caused me more pain than I thought possible from the very love of my life. I thank God that we have not had children yet, at this point I certainly would not bear children to a man who is selfishly exploiting sexual fantasies. I would fear to leave them alone with him. I want to salvage this marriage, I believe that serious therapy is in order. My problem is I don't know how to approach him about this again or what to say once I do. I don't think I have ever been so unhappy. I can't believe that I ended up with a man who goes to church, claims to be a follower of Christ, and comes and gets on his computer when he thinks I don't know. I need help. I'm lost, heartbroken, and I don't know what to do. I would appreciate some advice.
I know you want to salvage your marriage but i don't think any amount of counseling or therapy could help your husband.I believe this is something he will always do no matter what and will just continue to try to hide it from you.He is obsessed with his sexual fantasies more than he is in love with you or he would have stopped doing these things.Like you said,at least you didn't have any kids with this guy.I think it's time to get a divorce and be done with him.Time heals all wounds and in time you will get over him,be happy and find a normal man.Good Luck!
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Dear Troubl,
There are only a few ways to go with this.
No matter what you decide to do, telling him that he needs to be in therapy for his issues is the right thing to do. The reality, for him, is that what he is dealing with will take alot of work, on his part, to move beyond. He would really have to want to deal with his issues and we are talking about a long term commitment to change here.
As far as his relationship with you, he has represented himself falsely to you. He has lied. His issues are now breaking up his marriage. Unless you feel that you can wait to see how things go, should he get into treatment, I think that your only option is to divorce. I understand that you really love him. This is one of those moments, however, when one really has to think about their own life and needs and the reality of the impact of what another has done.
I agree with you that the one bright light in all of this is that there are no children. Besides what you have said about the effect of such a secret issue in a family, there is the more practical aspect about ease for you to move on with your life.
You seem to be a very intelligent woman, and I am sure you might already have plans for personal therapy. If not, I would highly recommend this. This is the type of issue that leaves a residue of a great deal of anger, mistrust and betrayal. These need to be processed in order to move ahead.
If you haven't already, I would also recommend reading up on pornography addiction and infantilism. It will give you an understanding of what is going on with him and what he would be facing should he go into therapy.
I will be watching this, if you need to talk more,
Elena
elena...your advice sounds very sound!
I think some sort of therapy is definately needed. You could try to talk to him about it more, to find out exactly how he sees things. Maybe talking about how you feel about it will help things and he might be able to get a grip on himself if he knows its either you or his fantasys but this seems like an unlikely realization. I wouldnt jepordize your energy ruining your happiness and health for a lost cause, I'm not saying give up on him, just don't ruin your life to try to keep him in your life.
If you could see what I've seen with your eyes.....
Others might say that his obsession isn't hurting anyone if he's able to function in the world and as a husband and so he should be left alone. However, you're telling us he sneaks and that is definitely harmful to your marriage (also harmful is doing it in spite of your feelings about it). He should realize that it is time to get help or suffer the consequences.
It's evident that your husband has had these behaviors for a long time. Anyone who deals with addiction (like gambling or smoking) knows you probably can't just stop doing whatever it is you're doing. If his behaviors are ingrained, it will take a lot of commitment and expert help in the form of a therapist who is experienced in addiction issues. I would guess that there's really nothing you can do and asking him to stop is like asking birds not to fly; that doesn't mean you shouldn't support him and help him any way you can. Right now, I think the best you can do is to tell him your marriage depends on his starting therapy, but you must then be prepared to leave him if he doesn't follow through (if you don't, he knows you're not serious about the threat and you become the dreaded "enabler" - just as women who are beaten by their husbands and then don't press charges). He must understand that continuation of this habit will eventually kill your feelings for him.
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Thank you for your reply. This is exactly what my mom said when I talked to her yesterday. I also talked with my husband last night and asked him "casually" if he has kept his promise to keep all sexually explicit material out of our home and our marriage.
I think I'll make him go to therapy with me. Even if he doesn't think he needs it, I know that I most certainly do. That way, at least, there will be a mediator who will prompt conversation by asking questions.
Again, I really appreciate your reply.
Thank you so much for your reply. Just like Sad Gramma's response below, this sounds exactly like what my mom told me last night. I have been reading an awful lot about his condition. Most of what I have read online explains that married men with sexual fantasies should be left to them without protest (obviously the articles were written by the men who have the issues). Often a woman is blamed for the condition of her mate and is told that she is the one creating a problem just by not letting her man do as he pleases. Sad. I, for one, will not put up with it. I tell you now that I am not putting up with it, I am simply biding my time to see what happens. The door is always there, I can leave tomorrow just as easily as today. I have prepared myself that if I must leave, I will, though I will likely both love and hate him the rest of my life.
My only consolation in all of this is that my faith in God has not been shaken. I know that he is always in control even now when all I see is chaos in my future. I have to also have faith that it is his will and not mine that makes the difference. He will deal with my husband's heart in time. It is up to my husband to decide whether or not that time comes before or after his marriage is ruined. My heart is broken, but the pieces are in the Lord's hands.
I am going to make him go to therapy with me. Like you said, I have my own personal issues with this that need to be dealt with. It would be a good oppertunity to also discuss his issues while we are at it.
Lighten up already. If you don't like porn, then you had better not watch those Carl's Jr hamburger ads on TV either. And no, a woman isn't to blame for this "condition" as you put it. It's just the way he is for whatever reason that no one will fathom. And no, more churching-up won't help either.
As far as his fetish is concerned, it won't go away no matter how much money and time you and him spend on therapists. The only result is that you will have a lot less money in the bank, and you will have an even more secretive husband eventually.
My opinion is that you amicably part ways. Find a "normal" guy (whatever that means) who likes football, golf, or fishing more than sex. Maybe that will make you happier.
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