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Watcher
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Asked about “Love & Sex on AOL Coaches”

My husband is emotionally cheating with his first wife!

After 30 years, my husband's first (remarried) wife got back in contact with him and began sending him valentines and romantic gifts-- even named a star after him-- with her husband's money (she doesn't work.) She is constantly telling him how awful her husband is and how she only stays with him for the medical insurance. She tells my husband that he is wonderful and walks on water. 

My husband won't cut her off, won't buy her medical insurance, but does give her pricey gifts from the Apple store! A year ago I confronted them both about their hours-long late-night phone calls and they agreed to quit but now she emails him and You-Tubes him romantic stuff daily. She also sends him magazine subscriptions.

It is as if she is moving into my home day by day even though she is 1000 miles away. My husband is a happy client of the Emotional Lending Tree.com, and seems to have no incentive to stop her! Is my marriage toast?


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lovedoctor71
133 answers
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Love knows no bounds.

I agree with Oron. You need to confront your husband. Without yelling, you need to make it very clear to him where you stand and what you are and are not willing to accept. After you explain how you are feeling to him, if he insists on continuing communication with his ex-wife, I'd suggest seeking out a marriage counselor immediately.

Good luck!
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OronD
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Love is the battery of life....

Hi,
Leave that woman alone..... the one you should confront is only your husband.  You must have a "tough" discussion with him..... make it clear that you don't accept that relations with her, that you won't tolerate it, that it is doing harm to your relations, and that you insist of bringing it to an end.  I am afraid that you'll have to say "Either me or her"..... and remind him your 30 years together and being unfair to use your (both) money to buy valuable presents for her.....  Would he accept that you send valueable present to some other guy ( + be emotionally involved with him) ?   How about taking him to marriage counseling ?  
Best regards,

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SKIPTON
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While it is often OK after divorce to maintain some degree of friendly, occasional contact with the ex-, your husband has clearly crossed a major forbidden line. The huge amount of time, and the different resources they spend, strongly suggests to me that they have an ongoing romantic/emotional relationship, albeit non-physical, as far as you know. The giving of expensive gifts is not a typical post-divorce thing, either. It is not a good sign. I wonder if he has a lingering love for her and fantasies? If he does, it would likely signify big trouble for the marriage. I agree with the others that professional, trusted help is needed to sort out behavioral issues and facts so that you can make decisions about where you stand and want for your happy future.
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cclaudaljo
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are you saying your husband was married to this other woman for 30 years? If so, he has alot of history with her. How long have you been married to him? Maybe he is just giving her a shoulder to cry on right now but I think it needs to quit now. You are the wife now not her and she has a husband to go to not yours.  Explain to your husband that although he has history with her, he is making you feel second rate by her constant Interferance in your marraige. Make him see that this is hurting you and take that stand instead of an angry one. See if that helps resolve the situation.
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Watcher
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I have been married to him 25 years.  We have already done a round of counselling but his attitude the whole time was, "I have never had sex with that woman and I have done nothing wrong.  You are the one with the problem and you have to heal yourself."  He even managed to get the counselor to "agree" that he had the right to maintain contact with the ex, because it was an "innocent" relationship.  I don't see it as innocent when he hides stuff from me, and she hides the whole thing from her husband, and she is relentless in the romantic pursuit of my husband!

 

On the Today Show they had a segment about "Intimacy Cheating."  One expert said, "It either stops-- or it escalates."  She is emailing him daily.  What would you say is happening?  

 

I don't think he is turned on by her... and yet, he puts her feelings ahead of mine by protecting her against me (and her husband) by sneaking around with her on-line.   It seems like a guilt-trip or blackmail situation between the two but Damn, she has a lot of power over him, and it is destroying my health (BP is soaring.)

Posted 9 months ago ( permalink )
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