Good morning. In my previous question I mentioned the struggles my wife and I are having. Heck, we're even separated. This time is supposed to be used for self reflection and so she can determine what it is that she wants. So, with this time, I have been brutally honest with myself. Here are some things I've learned about me.
1. I try and make my emotions facts and rationalize them even though they are irrational, ever changing and fleeting.
2. I compensated for my anger, hurt, and frustration by doing overly nice things rather than letting those emotions out. I just bottle them in.
3. My anger and overwhelming emotions come out in the form of my being impatient, being hard on myself, and being a slight perfectionist.
4. I haven't wanted to accept my wife's feeling of possibly not loving me. In fact, I tried changing how she felt instead. I'm truly sorry for this one.
5. When faced with my wife telling me that she didn't love me the way I deserve I had no idea how to react. I just stood there. I few days later I tried to rationalize my non-reaction as extreme disappointment. I didn't want to face it. I was scared, hurt, and angery. Rather than deal with the situation I tried to control the situation. I burried my hurt, anger, and sadness and then tried to "fix" the situation. I just couldn't accept that I was unable to make things better.
6. I believe it's the controlling type behavior of my trying to show my wife that she can't live without me that makes me look very needy (safe from rejection, being abandoned, and ultimately alone.)
7. It's like I try to ignore my feelings as if the bad stuff might magically go away.
8. I'm afraid of losing my wife's love, companionship, trust, conversation, and intimacy.
This Friday when I see her again at marriage counseling I'm going to bring this up. I just hope that I haven't been in denial so long that I've pushed her away. If you need back story on this, here's the link to my previous question.
http://yedda.com/questions/save_marriage_family_relationships_5041308716343/