I am being honest with myself to save my marriage

Good morning.  In my previous question I mentioned the struggles my wife and I are having.  Heck, we're even separated.  This time is supposed to be used for self reflection and so she can determine what it is that she wants.  So, with this time, I have been brutally honest with myself.  Here are some things I've learned about me.

1.  I try and make my emotions facts and rationalize them even though they are irrational, ever changing and fleeting.

2.  I compensated for my anger, hurt, and frustration by doing overly nice things rather than letting those emotions out.  I just bottle them in.

3.  My anger and overwhelming emotions come out in the form of my being impatient, being hard on myself, and being a slight perfectionist.

4.  I haven't wanted to accept my wife's feeling of possibly not loving me.  In fact, I tried changing how she felt instead.  I'm truly sorry for this one.

5.  When faced with my wife telling me that she didn't love me the way I deserve I had no idea how to react.  I just stood there.  I few days later I tried to rationalize my non-reaction as extreme disappointment.  I didn't want to face it.  I was scared, hurt, and angery.  Rather than deal with the situation I tried to control the situation.  I burried my hurt, anger, and sadness and then tried to "fix" the situation.  I just couldn't accept that I was unable to make things better.

6.  I believe it's the controlling type behavior of my trying to show my wife that she can't live without me that makes me look very needy (safe from rejection, being abandoned, and ultimately alone.)

7.  It's like I try to ignore my feelings as if the bad stuff might magically go away.

8.  I'm afraid of losing my wife's love, companionship, trust, conversation, and intimacy.

This Friday when I see her again at marriage counseling I'm going to bring this up.  I just hope that I haven't been in denial so long that I've pushed her away.    If you need back story on this, here's the link to my previous question.

http://yedda.com/questions/save_marriage_family_relationships_5041308716343/

 


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114 thumbs up

Let the sun shine!

I am not sure what your question is but I think you have used this time to come up with some very good insights about yourself. 

I have to tell you that when I read all this and looked back at your previous question, I thought you were middle aged, and i was shocked when i saw that you are both young.  Did you guys meet when your wife was very young?  Perhaps she just still needs to go out and have fun like most 26 year olds.  Try to remember the person she fell in love with.

Good luck

 


Posted 3 months ago ( permalink )
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5187 thumbs up

Live simply, love generously and  care deeply.

 

Hi,

     You mentioned about your anger.  Perhaps you need to see a Psychotherapist

for anger management sessions.


Posted 3 months ago ( permalink )
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I am doing individual counseling. Right now it's really just to point out my flaws so that I know what to work on. So far I believe it is working. I"m letting out all kinds of emotions. I just wish my wife was here so I could share my emotions with her.


Posted 3 months ago ( permalink )
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She had just turned 23 and I had just turned 27.  We still go out and have fun.  We go to clubs sometimes, but she really hates crowds so there's not much in the way of that activity that can be done.  We do go to movies and we hang out at friends houses a lot.


Posted 3 months ago ( permalink )
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mom
43 thumbs up

the fact that your learning what your faults are is a great start keep working on it im sure your not 100 percent at fault for problems in your marriage she also needs to reflect on hers ive been married 20 years it is hard work but worth it give it all you got if it doesnt work out at least you know you tried your best which is better then ignoring it and doing noyhing good luck


Posted 3 months ago ( permalink )
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