In high school and maybe depressed help i'm sick of it all.

Hello kimmie,

You wrote “I can't talk to people, I bottle everything up, talking to people about problems is hard, I stutter and sometimes I cry before I say anything.”

This all sound like you don’t have a lot of confidence in your ability to talk to other people, and at the same time you’re questioning whether or not anyone really understands what you said when do talk to someone. That can be very frustrating, and it’s very understandable feeling the way you do. That’s because young or old everybody deep down inside feels exactly the same way you’re feeling now. If you’re asking yourself right now how can that be, you yourself already answered that question when you wrote “I bottle everything up”. You see you really can’t come to any conclusions about other people because they might very well be “bottling things up”. Some people will bottle things up more than others, but no one other than God is 100% sure about anything and everything.

Here’s a tip that might help you better understand the feelings you have. You did a great job writing about your present situation so why not try writing about the things you would like to tell your parents, a counselor, or a teacher in your school? This way if you start having a hard time getting the words out you could just hand them what you wrote, let them read it, and talk about it afterwards! Best Of Luck and Good Fortune To You… 

I used to do the same thing. I suffered a lot of hardships when I was younger, they just came one after the other, like punches in the stomach.  You lose someone close to you, you get a few bad grades, you feel as though everything is drifting out of control. But you don't tell anyone because you feel like you can't, your not quite sure why. So you bottle it up, suppress it till it feels like a literal thing pushing out from behind your eyes, trying to get out. Things become a chore, you lose interest, you just don't feel up to much anything. You think "Why bother?" "I don't matter", and you just feel really low all the time. But you put on a smile, in front of people, maybe tell a few jokes, so they don't know what's going on. They think your fine, and that's what you want them to think, you think it's easier that way. so you just keep it all in no matter how low things get, no matter how much it hurts. So you begin to feel alone, like no one gets you. Is this your experience? If so then you and I are the same. I felt this way for a long time, but things got better, in the words of a wise man "Life is like the weather, sometimes it will rain, and  you can't control when the sun comes out, but believe me It will come out, that is a fact of nature, so until then, just pick up an umbrella , and whether the Strom. It may be long it may be harsh, but the sun always come out after the storm, bringing new life in it's wake"  So find someone, or something and use it as your "umbrella" against the storm, it may be long and hard, but it's always worth it to see the sun. So find a hobby, try confide in someone, when I was depressed I found a confidant, and it helped immensely. But mine may be an special case, you have to find what works for you. What lights up the darkness, makes you forget your troubles, if you don't know then find out, explore a bit, and find out who you are, and what makes you happy, then use that as you "Umbrella" through the storm      

Wow, that must have been terrible, I've dealt with loss, and no matter what is lost, it hurts, it hurts a lot. It's like a physical pain, a cold feeling that you can't seem to warm. Whether it's family, close friends an object, or a beloved activity, it's the same. But you can't stay fixated on it, or it will grow into something darker, like an infection, slowly getting bigger, the memories of the thing you loved to do become like poison. You can't let this keep happening, you have to keep the good memories of playing the sport you love, like making the winning shot, and use them to help you to find a new umbrella, don't let the memories become a bad thing. Remember  sports aren't who you are you are who you are, your memories, your experience, you successes and your failures are what makes you you. One thing dose not define you, you do. You may not be able to play basketball for a long time, but if you stay focused on what you can't do you won't know what you can. If you look at you failures and shortcomings, that's all you'll be able to see. The happy moments of your life will seem nonexistent, so you won't be able to go out and make new ones. If you focus on the good things in your life, you'll be shocked how much better you'll feel. Take  those moments, and don't be sad because their over, smile because they happened. Then get some sleep, study hard, and make a new path, to get you out of the storm. Join a club, pick up an instrument, and make some connections to the people around you, make a new umbrella, a better one , to keep you dry, even if there's a hurricane. Trust me on this don't wallow in the past, move forward and take the good things with you to a new future.
Good luck

Getting close to people and then "losing" them is hard for anyone, especially a young person like you. People come and go in everyone's life...it's only natural, but I totally understand that you desire that closeness with people. When we are young, whatever issues that originate with our parents, are projected onto life in general. So you are projecting the loss of something that you expect to be close with...with your friends. I don't think that is the real core of your pain. It's your parents. The reason why you are doing so badly in school is because that is the only thing in your life that you can control, or that you can decide which way it will go, good or bad. You will always regret not doing your best in school, and from reading your post, I believe that you are a very, I mean very, intelligent young person. So, pull yourself up by the bootstraps, and start doing good in school. Another point I would like to make is that you should venture out to the states because I agree with you on that your environment dictates your quality of life! So that is very important for you. I do not understand why you cannot be w/ your parents, but I really urge you to see a counselor asap! Do you know why? Because if you do not "unload" all of these issues that have accumulated thus far in your life, you will be carrying that around with you, and you will not afford yourself the happiness that is waiting for you, all of this stuff will be getting in your way. And yes, you very well may have clinical depression, but I'll say this, if I thought I had let's say a broken leg, I wouldn't wonder about it,  I'd go see a professional. It's the only right thing to do! Before I go, I want to share this story with you:

Two men were sitting on a park bench feeding the birds. Man 1 and Man 2. Man 2 noticed that Man 1 was carrying around a very large bottle with him and asked him what was in the bottle.

Man 1 said "Oh, when I get angry, I put all of my anger in this bottle." 

Man 2 "And you carry it around with you?"

Man 1 "Yes"

Man 2 "Why would you carry your anger around with you? Isn't it heavy? And doesn't it get in the way of things?"

Man 1 "Yes it does."

Man 2 "Well, why don't you just let it go?"

Man 1 "Let my anger go? How do I do that?"

Man 2 "You have to release it."

So Man 1 unscrewed the lid to the bottle and released all his anger

Man 1 "Thank you for talking with me, now I know I don't have to bottle all my anger and carry it around with me!

So the two men talked, and laughed and had a great time, and Man 1 realized he never had to carry his anger around with him after all! And he was a better man.

The End