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I was recently married to a man with two daughters ...

I was recently married to a man with two daughters ages 19 and 22. Blending into this family has been problematic. The 19 year old lives with us but has no direction, no work ethic and is dishonest. My husband just cannot stand up to her and enables her to be out all night and sleep all day. I'm concerned for my marriage and would also like to have a better relationship with my step daughter. Where do I start? Dana


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brosen
1062 answers
774 thumbs up

This is probably the most egregious problem in second marriages. It seems obvious that her actions are not a result of your marrying her father but might have started when her mother passed away, and her mother was probably the disciplinarian. She is certainly not happy with herself. You can speak with your husband and let him know that you will be the disciplinarian only if he will always back you up. If not there is no way you will be able to get that daughter back on the road to maturity. In the beginning she will fight you but if you are consistently firm and fair she will eventually come around .
Posted 9 months ago ( permalink )
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OronD
4883 answers
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Love is the battery of life....

Hi Dana,


This time I have to disagree with Brosen (usually I totally agree with his smart answers).  Don't try to educate a 19 years old young lady.  She is a grownup person and is not expected to get lessons from her step-mother.... no no, it's a sure recipy to ruin your relations.  Leave it to her father.  It was his duty ( + his wife) to educate her and if it went wrong it's his duty to bring it back to track.  Get away from that mass it's burning fire 4U....  Take a safety distance !.   Your duty is to guid your husband and advise him what to do and what not to do.  Yes this situation can risk your marriage.  True.  Take a passive approach and your chances to overcome the risk be much higher.
Best regards,
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Sergey
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Hi,

First of all I would suggest being less critical. IT very well may be that you're right about your step daughter's behavior but I think you should start from a different point. Try and spend time with her and get to know her a little bit better. I know this sounds hard but think of something you both have in common and work from there. Eventually you'll be able to influence her by just being close to her. 

You should also talk to your husband and tell him about your fears. They are legitimate and these are difficulties very normal for such a situation. He should also try and help you get closer to your step daughters and should support you throughout the process since it's in his best interest.

I wish you the best of luck. 
Posted 9 months ago ( permalink )
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Thank you so much for your reply.  I appreciate it very much.  There are more problems then I was able to write in the original blog, including drugs, chronic dishonesty, stealing and she is into some very dangerous interests.  I've tried to find some common ground.  I am a serious tennis player and have tried to get her to become interested in the sport but she will have nothing to do with anything that her father or I are interested in.  She has also been diagnosed with mild depression.  She wanted me to go shopping at a sex toy store with her and wanted to advise me on how to have sex with her father.  She is into some very bad porn including beastiality and one of the guys she spends time with is a two time convicted child molestor.  We discovered marijuana in her room last week.  So, while I know what you are saying, I feel that this is much too complicated for me to try and sort out.  I'm just trying to cope with this and keep my marriage in tact.  My husband is the most wonderful man and I just can't imagine how his daughter ever got to this place.  Again, thanks for writing and any thoughts that you might have are always welcome.    DLW 

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Thank you for your comments.  I agree with you that at 19 I will not be able to really educate her.  I've really tried to keep my distance, but the behaviors affect me and my relationship with my husband because she lives with us.  Her lack of responsibility and respect coupled with the fact that she uses us like an ATM machine is always in my face.  My fear is that the girls will end up ruining us financially as they just want to suck their father dry.  This is very discouraging in that other than the problems with the girls, we have the most fabulous relationship.  By the way, she spends her father's money on sex toys, alcohol and marijuana.  He knows this but won't cut off the flow of money.  Scary.    Anyway, I always value new ideas to cope.   DLW
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Thank you for your reply.  I don't want to be in the role of disciplinarian, but I must set boundaries in my home.  Her mother is still al