What is the proper way for a teenager to break out ...

What is the proper way for a teenager to break out of the parental protection and interference (or just assert one's position in the family), without resorting to bitter conflicts, disrespectful behaviour, etc?

I've noticed that a lot of people struggle with this issue even in their mature age. Tight relations and quarrels between parents and children/ between siblings/ etc make some very ugly scenes. And conflict resolution in such cases seems to be very hard to achieve. What works for the world outside the family would not be in place to apply within the family. You can choose your friends (as well as your enemies...) but not your relatives. The adversity you might feel in family relations should not be met the way you should meet adversity outside your home. Moreover, the "external adversity" comes out of truly ill intentions whereas "family adversity" comes out of attempts to protect and love, brought to extremes.

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23 thumbs up

Dear Drabsv,

Psychologists might be able to answer this question better than I.  However, with my experiences rearing two daughters and helping with four grandchildren (one of whom has recently made me a great-grandmother) and friends of theirs I've come to know, I'll be happy to give you my thoughts on the matter.

If a child feels the need to "assert" his/her position in the family, I would guess that there is a lack of communication between parent(s) and child.  If this assertion first appears in the form of rebellion, I would susect that the child has deep-seated feelings of being "unheard" within the family, and lashing out is the only way such a child may respond.  A child needs to feel that he/she is an important member of the family, whose opinions are at least heard and respected if not followed.  Family discussions on all matters of importance should include all family members.  Sure, the parents can discuss and come to conclusions in private, but their reasons for decisions should be openly discussed with family members, not strictly enforced with no form of dissent allowed to rear its ugly head.  I believe that children who are given a voice in the family, who feel that their views are important -- even though not always given preference over others' -- at least know that they are not living in a vacuum where their individuality is of no concern.

As far as breaking away from parental protection and interference is concerned, I feel that if a child gains the trust of the parents from an early age, then "breaking" away may not even be a problem.  This is trust that comes of a child always being honest, doing chores as expected, coming home from school on time, not "back-talking," and, generally, growing up learning that certain things are expected of a child, and if those things are not fulfilled without very good reason (no excuses), there are and always will be reasonable consequences.  This is a continual process -- from not touching the crystal or leaving the yard to coming home from a date on time to not drinking while driving, etc. 

If a child is always told "yes" to his/her every request (or demand, it seems, these days), that child will come to overemphasize his/her own importance and believe that the world should always conform to whatever the child wants, and if it doesn't, temper tantrums and worse will be the outcome.  If a child is always told "no" to every request, he will come to feel unimportant, a pawn utilized only in the performance of duties for the parents' selfish aims.  Both extremes should be avoided at all costs.  A realistic view of the world is usually what is missing in both cases, and all too often, the lessons of the world eventually come at great expense to both child and parent.  Unless the child is psychologically or mentally impaired, which is rare in the majority of cases, the parent(s) are ultimately to blame for not taking the time to instill in the child a sense of self, as well as the importance of learning right from wrong (actions vs. consequences, not restricted to but adding to religious upbringing), then the parent(s) and child will eventually come to realize the consequences, too often, all too late.  The proper upbringing of a child is a parent's responsibility, not the child's, and great patience and understanding are required in all instances. 

Once a child becomes a teenager, with all the influences inherent in today's society, much is already ingrained in his/her brain, and even more patience and understanding may be necessary to help the child attain maturity in the true sense.  However, if a parent loves the child, this will be a sacrifice most welcome and well worth the additional effort required now that circumstances insist on change of one sort or another.

 


Posted 3 months ago ( permalink )
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7 thumbs up

I think that Know The Truth gave an excellent answer and I am sure they are experiencing joy and delight in the upbringing of their children and grandchildren.  They were wise and lucky enough to know good values and ideals in raising children.  However, I disagree that the parents are to blame if the children don't turn out successful and happy.  Besides genetics playing a part in personalities of children (and adults), and some having tendencies in behaviors that may need professional guidance, not all parents are created equally.  In my case, my husband and I are both college educated and love our sons enormously.  However, we both were raised with totally different values and had very different styles and ideas on raising children.  Even though we sought counseling, we had to deal with alot of chaos in the boys' teenage years.  We went through alot of heartache.  In our day, there were no courses on raising children so we basically went by the ideals on how we each were personally raised, plus reading up on the topic.  We did the best we knew how, feel tremendous guilt that our kids weren't more well adjusted in later life, yet I don't feel we should be called bad parents or blamed for not being the ideal parents.  I'd say, in this day and age, consider yourself blessed to have your kids turn out happy and successful.  As far as teens go, they will always try to push the limits and challenge the rules and ideas of the parents.  That is part of the growth and separation process.  Once the adult learns this and accepts this, it is a little easier.  Depending on the age of the teens, there have to be certain limits set that they can't go beyond and you have to be firm, yet lovingly enforcing that.  If someone in the leadership role (good advice for the kids too) can always stay calm, that is a huge advantage.  Really difficult to follow.  It's also somewhat basic.  The more maturity the teen shows, the more leeway they are going to have in getting privileges.  Once a certain age is reached, if they become too rebellious and cause alot of chaos in the family setting, there is always the option for them to move out.  This will immediately change the family dynamics.  The door can be left open, but they must know certain limitations are set if they are to return.  The family situation is a microcosim of the outside world, and a mini government exists within.  Hopefully, it can be a democracy with the added advantage of the personal power of love added to the environment.  I can only suggest that people discuss their values in raising children before they get married so they know they are on the same wave length, or taking courses on family life and child rearing as a plus if you are not experienced.  Trust me, you will need all the help you can get unless the stars are alligned perfectly in your life every day.


Posted 3 months ago ( permalink )
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4 thumbs up

To each his/her own.

Build and present a proposal.  PC is good for this.  PowerPoint works.  Start with, "Here is my recomendation."  Proceed to justify it. Businesses do this.  One recomendation at a time.  Best keep to three the first presentation.  Don't schedule presentions to more than say two a week.  Call it a family committee meeting.  The "here is how it is good for me' part will probably be obvious and even if it is not; remember, you are selling this idea to high ranking executives, your parents. Like - this is how it will benefit you and I won't let you down (then don't).  One simple justification after another.  Best not to run 'em together and confuse.. when an executive gets a little muddled, they think you are pulling something.  Keep emotions out of it.  None of this, "Oh please Mom, please!"  It's childish behavior.  Dress nice, business-like and behave that way.  Always come across like you have studied this issue at great length but don't be a smart ass.        


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Communication and trust! Meeting the child 1/2 way and hearing them out before saying no! Good luck!


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