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Asked about “Ask the Dolans: Dolans.com”

Another episode of husband-wife-financial mess

MHM4P3y husband handles all the bill paying and finances. The problem is for me in that I am the major bread winner in the family, I work more hours and am home less than he is, he works a couple of part time jobs.  He keeps me in the dark about everything. I know we are in debt and I have repeatedly asked to be included but to no avail as he takes care of bill paying when I am  at work and he picks up the mail daily, apparently the power he has in being the "keeper of the keys" is too great to negotiate.  We have a very dysfunctional financial infidelity. Is this common for couples where the wife makes more money and benefits than the husband and how are some ways these problems can be tackled? 

 


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THAT WHICH DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER.

Bull. Reality is, it will usually hurt like hell and leave you with a permanent limp.

Open a personal checking account and get yourself a personal mailbox:  one part of the problem is solved - he can no longer use your earnings or see any mail addressed to you without your permission.  Refuse to give him the money until  you see the bills.  Any bill in both y'alls names, you can call or write and get the information sent to your mailbox also:  any bill in just your name, you can have sent only to you and block him from receiving.   Be prepared for him to blow-up. 
Posted 2009-07-19T15:24:26Z
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No this is not typical in anything but a dysfunctional relationship.  The last posted answer in re, the mailbox, is a great solution.  Your husband will blow up...but, think how you are going to feel if you find out he is squandering your hard earned money???  Get on top of this...and if he doesn't like it kick him out or go to counseling.  Good luck!
Posted 2009-07-19T16:56:28Z
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Instant Person-Just add coffee.

It's always a cause for suspicion when one person insists on handling the money.  What is he hiding?  Does he have accounts you don't know about, does he gamble? You need to be aware where your money is going, and what's being paid out of it.  I agree with the above post, get your own checking account, and have your bills go to a PO Box that he does not have access to.  A friend in your position recently died, and within 6 months, her husband was boasting how many "investments" he had made without her knowledge.  Don't let that happen to you! You work hard for your money--know where it's going. Good luck.

 
Posted 2009-07-26T18:23:11Z
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B:

     I think that you have received some great suggestions. Basically, if I were in the situation, I would be concerned that something was being hidden from me...and you are the major breadwinner...but you would be entitled to know where the money is going even if you weren't. You may want to consider, if you can't get any cooperation as far as making the finances a joint task, or at least something that you are involved in...maybe opening online accounts for all of your credit cards and bank accounts. You may find that through monitoring your spending...or your partner's spending, that there is something being hidden. Your partner may be upset for you doing this, but he really has no grounds to be upset given he is hiding YOUR finances from YOU. Anyway, if you have any further issues, I would be happy to dig a little further.

Wishing You the Best,

Gabriel

Posted 2009-07-27T00:38:28Z
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