Why can't I end a very bad relationship?

Hi sadgirl,

    Your story is truly sad indeed.  You need intensive psychotherapy in addition to the medications prescribed to you by your Psychiatrist.  Please think about your kids, you need to be emotionally strong for them.  Stay away from him and move somewhere else where he could not find you.  That is your ultimate decision to change the way your life is heading.  Nobody will do it for you.  This man is dangerous and may kill you eventually, God forbid.

      Please pray to God for more emotional strength.  I hope you're a Christian.  If you are, join a Bible study class and form friendships with some church members who could provide you with the emotional support that you need right now.

     Take care of yourself and your children.  They need you badly.

Believe me, if it is as bad as you make it sound ,you have a lot of serious thinking and decision making to do.Have you talked to anyone trained in dealing with the kind of problems you have and are facing now? If not, run to one and lay all of this on the line, just like you told us. I think a part of you wants to be terrorized and the other part of you sees where it can lead.

At thiss point you need to get as far away as possible and stay away with no comunication what so ever. If not for you, for the innocent children. If things keep on at this rate, you will be jailed and lose your children, or he will kill you and they will lose the only person who can protect them. You said your family is not there for you anymore, so they might have him, but what kind of life is that? Tough truths are sometimes hard to digest, but honey do it while you can still think half way straight. I have always said "God doesn't give us more than we can handle" I believe that. I believe you are smart and intelligent, now prove me right and get out now. Give no warning to him, just run now.

Take the children and get to a women's safe house. 

Everything that DB and A Brown have said is absolutely true.

Sometimes, in life, we have to do what we know is right and ignore what a deeper part of us seems to "need".  That "need" is leading you and your children to a very dangerous place.

Yes, you  need to be seeing a psychotherapist and a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis,medication and on going therapy.  You are dealing with an addiction to this man.  Only you can stop this and secure a future for yourself and your children.  If you cannot think of yourself, think of them.  It is not only you that is in danger.  Many times perpetrators like this will kill a whole family, or they will kill what the victim loves the most.

You are incredibly intelligent and understand your situation.  I believe that if you get out of this relationship, you could truely make a place for yourself in the world.  This can only happen, however, if you get out of this situation now.

Again, leave NOW and go to a safehouse.  Do not tell anyone where you are going. There you will find safety and all of the resources you will need to move ahead with your life.  You have nothing to lose except a dangerous, unfufilling, crazily disfunctional way of living for yourself and your children.

You do need help. And I say this having been an abused klid and an abused husband. Yes, it does happen to men, too. I understand the problem, really. It all comes down to, for some people, it's better to be abused than alone. I've been alone since I walked out of the last relationship I was in that was abusive. And trust me, the loneliness is killing me. But better to be lonely than to be controlled and abused. But your situation goes further than most, since this man was originally a rapist. And he has probably raped other women. Rape isn't just a one time thing, you know. He's no doubt raping other women while you think he's with you. And either will, in the future, or already has, killed women.

My advice to you is run. run like hell. Before he kills you. Before he goes after your daughter. Because I guarantee you, those things will happen.

Excellent answer, bonestructure.

The addict in you is the part that keeps going back to him.  Being stuck in that span of time when all you can feel, hear and think is the extreme anguish of not having him there.. All of this is you inner addict controlling you.

If that psychiatrist cannot help you, seek out another one.  And, you need talk therapy as well... this is very important.  I would also recommend seeking out a local chapter of a relationship/sex/love Anonymous group. There you will get support and a recovery program with others who are dealing with similar situations.

I want you to know that I have the greatest compassion for the difficulty you are dealing with.  I also want you to know that, although it will take time and work on your part, you can move out of this place you are in.  I would tell you that you have things twisted when you say that you are poor functioning when he is not around.  Living in danger, allowing yourself to continue with a relationship based not on Love, but, on degradation for you is extremely low functioning.  Moving away from this is a process.  After a while of being free, you will slowly have the ability and strength to make your life what you want it to be.

I also want to stress again to you how important it is that you make the move to get away from him.  If you go to a Safehouse, you will not be alone.  There will be people who will support you in every way necessary.  While you may not see it this way now, you are not in a relationship now you are alone.  Go to a place where you don't have to be alone anymore.  Go to a place where you can begin to heal.

We are here if you need to talk more.

Elena

You're creating a situation where your children, as they get older will see this type of erratic behavior as normal and they will have similar type relationships when they are adults.  If you have a boy, he will more than likely be abusive to women, you have a daughter she will allow men to treat her just like you are allowing this guy to treat you.  There is really nothing anyone can say to get you out of this cycle.  You need professional help immediately.   If you don't get that help then your children, or the police will find you dead in the very near future.  Just from reading your story, that will be the most likely ending to your extremely sad story.  Maybe you'll do better in your next life.  I will end on this note: What you are doing is totally unfair to your children and your SHAME alone should make you want to do better.  However, individuals with no self-esteem and no self-worth do not have a moral compass, thus, they have no shame.

I don't mean to be so critical, just trying a little TOUGH-LOVE.  Your children love you so try to do right by them.

Put your name (even if it's just your first name) out on the Internet and ask for PRAYER.

In a situation like this you rarely will have the strength to leave this man on your own. You will need help from an outside source to do so. Only be getting away from this man can you begin to get a grip on your life. It is a very destructive relationship. It has warped your better judgement since you have been with him for so long and putting up with his behaviour. It is a condition that is common with battered women. If he does go to jail it will give you time to get over him and that would be good for you and your kids