I can't help if I'm not frank so I will say that it seems to me you and your husband have continued an overprotective attitude toward your daughter that should have been quickly cut back when she hit thirteen.  Now she is either afraid she will hurt you or afraid you will smother her.  Some choice.  She is floundering badly and has no one to turn to.  Sit down with her and change YOUR attitude.  Tell her you want to discuss her goals if any and suggest that all of you react less emotionally and cloyingly with each other.  Tell her the limits of your help and stick to them but don't get her an apartment and decorate it for her, this sort of thing is too much and could be at the heart of your problems and hers.  She may need therapy, she's at a very difficult age for all people and may fear having to decide her whole life by picking a major!