My daughter pretended to go to college classes and didn't

I think your husbands words with her were a little harsh, and beside that she is 20 yo, shes not a child. Reading between the lines I think there probably aren't more caring parents than you and your husband. My children are 22, 20, and 18 and I am still very involved in there lives, sometimes too much. Maybe you need to find out what she wants to do. She may not be ready for college. Dont let your imagination get away from you. A little faith goes a long way in helping our children do the right thing. My suggestion is to continue to support her in whatever she does within reasonable expectations, of course.But I think she needs to feel a little more sense of freedom of choice. Just trying to help.

Hi mom23,

First of all, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry to hear that your daughter is struggling and that it has you worried.

One big issue here is honesty -- your daughter didn't let you find out about how awful her situation was until after you had bought her furniture and moved her into a new apartment. I hate to say this mom, but it looks like your daughter is using you.

Here's how I would handle it: first, I would tell your daughter that, since she is working, you expect her to send you a weekly check towards paying back a portion of the furniture/book money that you gave her under false pretenses. If you're concerned that your daughter is using drugs, one way to keep an eye on that is to track the flow of money. I have no idea what kind of drugs she's involved with but, as Robin Williams said, "Cocaine is god's way of telling you you're making too much money." I agree that respecting privacy is important but as long as she's hitting you up for money, you have a right to some level of accountability. A lot of kids -- including many I know -- want to have it both ways: total freedom from parental influence and a weekly check.

You also need to find out what went wrong last year -- earning 0 credits is pretty bad. Was she depressed? Talk to her about the issues that have gotten her life off track and, if you find an opening, suggest in the warmest way possible that she might benefit from seeing a therapist. If you're concerned that she's having drug problems, ask her about it in a non-judgmental way.

As for dad's threat that "You'll be living back home if you don't turn it around," make sure he means it! Otherwise don't say it.

Finally, do whatever you can to help your daughter but do nothing to enable her. Let her know you love her and are concerned but that you will only help her do the right thing, nothing more.

That's my opinion. Take care and try to focus on your own life because that's the only thing you can control.

Best always, 

Zac
 

The first two thoughts that came into my mind was depression and/or drugs.  Consider calling the college's mental health services/student services and talk to a counselor.  Drive to the college and bring your daughter to see the counselor.  Tell your daughter that if she can not tell you want is going on, she needs to talk to someone.  Because of your daughter age, you can not do too much to help her.  You can, however, lead her to "water."

My kid did the same ,then i found out he was failing,

She has something strong on her mind,and its not going to class ,

I can't help if I'm not frank so I will say that it seems to me you and your husband have continued an overprotective attitude toward your daughter that should have been quickly cut back when she hit thirteen.  Now she is either afraid she will hurt you or afraid you will smother her.  Some choice.  She is floundering badly and has no one to turn to.  Sit down with her and change YOUR attitude.  Tell her you want to discuss her goals if any and suggest that all of you react less emotionally and cloyingly with each other.  Tell her the limits of your help and stick to them but don't get her an apartment and decorate it for her, this sort of thing is too much and could be at the heart of your problems and hers.  She may need therapy, she's at a very difficult age for all people and may fear having to decide her whole life by picking a major!