I have a way to help Obama bin Laden quit smoking. He and the Attorney Colonel (demoted from General) must sign a waiver before I help Obama quit smoking. I will admit that my method does not comply with the Geneva Convention.
Of course, I never signed the Geneva Convention.
We need not go through all twelve steps that AA uses to sober up alcoholics. My program is much simpler, more direct, and dear God much more personally gratifying!
1. Set up a safe place for the quitting smoker to smoke until we achieve complete cessation. That area requires the victim (I mean smoking cessation patient -- no, I was right the first time!) to run the MCRD San Diego Drill Instructor Obstacle Course for each and every cigarette. After three cigarettes/day, the Obstacle Course is replaced with the Infiltration Course at nearby Marine OCS, Quantico.
2. If that fails, we then give him a pack of his favorite brand, very minimally slightly altered just a teeny-weensy-microscopic little bit: the cigarettes have a red ink mark an inch from the tip, which grants Obama three safe puffs, then anything can happen. First, just a prankster's cigarette load. Plip! Nothing to it.
Then lady-finger firecrackers. "Pop." Then full size firecrackers. "Bang." Then blasting caps. "Ker-Pow!" Then a dubious faint outline of the "DuPont" logo, marked with "RDX." "Ker-whomp!" Then something I did to my High School Physics teacher who then put in for an anual nervous breakdown when I threatened to help him quit smoking. "Mushroom cloud."
That usually gets quitting smokers to stop smoking, or take out life insurance. No Insurance Agent will write it when they find out about the next tactical escalation: horse hair. Then if Obama is particularly stubborn, things that smell as bad as newlyweds' cooking.
It is rare that such abuse fails to get the resultswe desire. But if so, we can escalate to the unthinkable: during smoke breaks, he gets to listen to accordion recitals of, "Yoda," by Weird Al Yankovic, and the Spencer Davis group's only major gold record, "I'm a Man," artfully done by Pee Wee Herman.
If that fails (not likely) then I will think of something disgusting.
What do you think?