I am a 38 year old gay male, single and with 2 kids. Not biological, just a strange twist of fate in which I was available and their mother was not only unprepared, but deeply troubled. John was 5 and Steve was an infant. I have always been involved my relationship with their mother predates their births. John was born into a life in which his mother was still trying to grow up. They lived in a government housing project and the house was always full of people, so much so that early on John really was uncertain to which of the women there were his mother. A story where John climbs on her lap one night to tell her how she was his best friend, out of everyone else, reflects this disassociation. John had felt rejected early on by her, another incident where John, used to seeing his mother showering men with affection, climbed up on her lap and she shunned him. Her boyfriend complained that it was time for bed, so she grabbed and locked him into his poorly kept, unlit bedroom and drowned out his cries by turning up the radio. It was at this time when John was two that we really began to bond. Shelly was very timid and lacked self esteem, the communal life as a ‘deadhead’ appealed to her and she began to gain more assurance. John’s father is unknown, a deadhead she was with on the road when John was conceived and after she found out she split. Steve’s father, Henry, wasn’t in the picture yet.
After Shelly met Henry and Steve was born, she decided to start working, and her life really began to change. Shelly never was well kempt, she dressed very dumpy and never combed her hair and threw herself on any man that would take an interest. Around the time Steve was born she started to feel better about herself. She lost weight, changed her hair and really became proud of her appearance. Men at work were paying a lot more attention to her and as a result her time after work was spent at the bar among these new admirers.
Henry, Steve’s father, would wait up each night for her to return and then a fight would ensue, usually ending in a sort of erotic frustrated sexual encounter, many of which John witnessed. Shelly then started to masquerade these late nights, by saying she was out with me, which is how became truly involved. Henry wasn’t the most refined of individuals, in fact he out rightly emulated the stereo-type of white trash. We never got along, mostly because of my relationship with John, which he was now trying to cultivate. His efforts were half-hearted and he gave up easily using me as the excuse for them not bonding. John was five and since the age of two, I had always been like an uncle or godparent, taking him to the local zoo, the park, etc. He had an unusual interest in animals which I tried to encourage, so I planned a trip to take him to the San Diego Zoo and Sea world. During the period of me saving up for this holiday and unbeknownst to me did the poisoning start.
John was I guess told frequently when he would express his excitement about the trip that he really wasn’t going to go, that I was a faggot and fags are flaky people who lie to kids to get them to take a bath and what not. So naturally I was a little bewildered in San Diego when I drew a bath for John and he expressed resistance to bathing before the zoo the next day. It wasn’t until a little while later that I began to pick up on this. It became clear one night while I was visiting, a period that had always become a dual visit between me Shelly and then me and John. When John looked at me and said in a soothing, comforting way that was so unlike the actions of a five year old, that it was ok, he knew about me, and he didn’t care, he still loved me. I was of course upset, having never been ‘in the closet’ I took great offense at the notion that Henry was portraying me and other gays like something I should be ashamed of. I immediatly assured John that I was not only proud and unashamed of who I was, but that he should not think that there is anything wrong with people like me. I confronted Henry and was given a insincere apology along with a promise to curb his mouth while speaking in front of John like that. I tried to explain the devastating impact that tearing someone he cares about down, could have upon a child. He agreed and that was that.
Weeks later I recorded a cd which was just now becoming a possibility at the time and not many were aware of the technology. Anyway I recorded some rare tracks of a new sensation at the time, Eminem. I let Henry hear it one day and he loved it so much that he asked me if he could borrow it. I let him and for weeks I would call and hear nothing but that cd in the background. It was after hearing that John told his cousin that he would slit her throat, that I realized the impact the lyrics were having upon John, so I requested the cd back. At first Henry was like, I’ll buy it from you, or make me a copy. I declined telling him my reasons. His response was less than reasonable. He started ranting on about how he was an ‘original gangster’ and that he grew up down the street from Easy E, blah blah, so I told him again, I needed my cd back and would be coming over the next night to get it. He told me that I could over his dead body.
I arranged with Shelly for her to take the kids to her sisters, while I went to reclaim the cd. She of course tried to persuade Henry to give it back. But he refused. The next day with the kids gone to their aunt’s house, I was made aware that John found out about the planned confrontation and that he was afraid for me. He had witnessed Henry assault a man who cut them off in traffic, Henry had followed the man home and relentlessy beat him up while John was in the back seat. When I called him there was fear in his voice, I told him that everything was going to be okay, that I was in the right and that God always ensured that the right would prevail. He then told me that Henry had gathered up a few of his friends to come over to quote ‘watch him kick some faggot’s ass ‘. I wasn’t keen on being put into a situation where I may have to defend myself from multiple people. I told John that I did not want to set an example either, that fighting was the answer, and asked him what he thinks I should do. He told me not to go. I thought about it a moment, and told him, if he did not want me to, that I wouldn’t. He affirmed his wishes and then after a few moments of silence he said: ‘That’s what Henry said would happen’ I asked what he meant and he told me that Henry had told him that I would ‘punk out’ and go crying to the girls about it(meaning Shelly and her sister). Well of course I felt more certain than ever that I needed to go.
I brought my mother along in case I was jumped by a group of guys and she needed to call the police. She waited in the car as I went to the door to demand him return my cd. He belligerently started to spew hateful words, none of which were relevant and would never address my request. He got in my face and his spittle was showering me with every ignorant thing he said. Not wanting to back down or throw the initializing punch, but having had enough spit in my face, I finally spit back and he reacted by spitting back on me! Having had enough I turned to walk away when he sucker punched me. The fight ensued and his friends watched as I clearly taught him that although I am gay I am still a man. I retrieved my CD which was written on both sides ‘Brandon is a Faggot’ and left with my head held high, mostly untouched and a newfound reverence from a couple of his friends that came for the show, one of whom I am still in contact with today.
The next day Henry called to apologize and invited me over for breakfast. I accepted the apology but declined the invitation.
A couple weeks went by and Henry, frustrated by the never present Shelly, tried to test Shelly’s fidelity by asking her if she would like to participate in a threesome involving one of his co-workers. Having met him and thinking he was attractive I guess, she accepted and Henry went ballistic, they split up and Henry moved back to his hometown.
It was about this time when Shelly became involved with Don, a meth addict who somehow enchanted Shelly and became the only thing important in her life. John’s grades began to reflect this and my involvement became almost daily. Henry threatened to come and take the kids after he learned about Don and the situation. Wanting to have them here where I could ensure their safety, I took them to my house, so that Henry couldn’t find them. A little while passed and i met with Henry so he could see the boys, he wanted them to visit him for the weekend, i was weary, so i said i'll bring them down but i'll stay at a hotel in townm and drive them back. maily because i knew what company Henry kept, and i diod not want the kids to hear derogatory statements about their mother. After arriving, i took the adults out back and told them how wrong it would be to talk ill of their mother, they all agreed not to. I drove them back after the weekend. Don meanwhile was draining every resource from Shelly and the kids were becoming severely neglected. My fear for them was a minute by minute experience and after three months of this I could no longer handle it.
I went by to confront Don and found John outside, locked out crying, for what seemed like hours. I asked where his mother and brother were and he told me that his brother was at his aunties but that his mother just ran out an hour or so ago got in the car and sped off, without a word. I took him home and later learned that she had tried to kill Don by driving her car at full speed across a busy intersection with the intention of running him down, he eluded her but she crashed into a wall. Trying to help pick up the pieces, I got a chilly response from Shelly. She told me that she had all the help she could need with her sister. So the next week, with dwindling resources, she was evicted and moved the boys and herself to her sister Bess’s home.
A couple of weeks passed when I got a phone call from shelly asking if they could stay with me. She told me her sister threw them out and she had nowhere to go. I of course went and got them and brought them to my tiny one person flat. We began to talk about the years that have passed from when we would talk about how it would be to raise John and the things that we would ensure he was provided with, and how those days of hippie idealism seemed so long ago. She asked if I would like to get an apartment with her and the boys. We discussed at great length the plan of changing their environment and providing them a safe home. Idealistic, Worried and thrilled at the concept of being more directly involved, I agreed and then we moved into an apartment together.
At first it was wonderful, everything was working, Johns grades were improving, Steve now three was coming out of his shell. Steve only said one word ‘Car’ and that word came to mean anything. Shelly got a promotion and as a result she had to work graveyard. To resolve the issue I quit my job to be there for the kids, while she earned the bread and butter. This went smoothly for a little over a year. Then I too began to become irritated with her after work exploits. I was a full time stay at home caregiver. She would get off at around 6am, but wouldn’t come home until well after 2 pm. I realized I was being taken advantage of, but to tell the truth, the kids were my life and other than having no time for myself, I didn’t mind. But I did mind the relationship or lack thereof between the children and her. She agreed to start participating and for awhile she did, but then it eventually turned into her bringing her exploits home instead.
On two separate occasions I would wake up to find her giving head to some stranger in the living room during the early morning hours. I told her what if the kids wandered in, why couldn’t she at least do that in her bedroom. Which became the norm after that. But even in the bedroom I felt that it started to become inappropriate. She agreed again and laid back for awhile. That next Christmas, she began to see someone on a regular basis, he was quickly becoming part of our lives, Ken, who seemed decent and had good intentions. After a few months his presence was becoming routine and the three of us decided to get a house together. Now I know this sounds like a strange arrangement, but it worked really well for almost three years. John was now 8 and Steve was almost 4. John was doing well in school getting accepted into Honors programs, but Steve was still not speaking like a child of his age should. So I took him to a specialist and it was discovered that his right ear was almost constantly filled with water, surgery was planned to remove the adenoids and tonsils. Where we live there is no pre-school program, so I feared for his entrance into school because he was developmentally behind. I got in touch with various institutes and was able to get him enrolled into a special program that would concentrate on getting him prepared for Kindergarten.
Meanwhile John was excelling and I looked into getting him into an AP program or Magnet school. I was delivered five letters on my birthday the next year and we all opened them together. Two of the five schools approved his application and he could therefore choose which one he wanted to go to. He chose an international bacculaurate academy. Things were going smashingly. Without any warning the kids began calling me dad.
Now things between Ken and Shelly were pretty much routine. They would return hours after they got off from work, drunk and largely uninvolved. I began to question John on these things and how they made him feel. He responded by saying that it did not matter, because she really doesn’t ask about him and so he does not really want to talk to her. I was disturbed by this and told him he needed to tell her, when she got home, I arranged for him and her to discuss it. And was beside myself when she responded with …’So’.
Things began to deteriorate, first problems with Ken and her began, mostly because Ken was in love with her and she was almost beginning to hate the way he breathed. One night she told me that she would break up with him but was afraid financially of the repercussions. I assured her that she should do what she feels is best for her (although I liked Ken and thought he was good for her). I assured her that I would just go back to work, with both kids in school now that we could manage. Optimism is always my attitude, but reality always teaches me better. This reverted into more of the same routine that took place when we first moved in together. Always drunk and even more uninvolved and the financial problems were mounting. We took on a house when Kens income was factored in. But my income wasn’t a third of Kens and eventually the money situation became the prime issue, Shelly would become upset that I made so little and I felt that I was not only contributing all of my money but all the parental obligations as well. Then I found out that we weren’t hurting financially as bad as she would have me think. Money was being used frivolously on her after work exploits, and as a result we were scraping together dinner at home. She withdrew further and it was common for us not to even see her.
Then she was able to get a morning shift, and her new hours changed the dynamic at home. She would come home after work and participate and for awhile things were really starting to look up. But you must understand that it has been almost 5 years now, and the sobriety she was now enjoying began to point out certain deficiencies. She began to covet the relationship I had developed with the children. John especially, who was very needy would not even consider sharing something with her. He began to dress like me and admired me more than most children of that age admire an adult. Jealously grew and she would often do things to spite my influence over them. Like telling John that if he had wanted to eat something at the store and as long as he finished it before he left the store, he wouldn’t have to pay for it. This would happen after I would say make a speech about how good people don’t steal.
These undermining efforts didn’t seem to affect the kids, but it did get to me and one night after I got home to find that she destroyed a painting of mine, one I painted and had framed, my television and various other items, broken spitefully. That’s when I told her that I wanted her to move out. Of course my fear for the children was utmost in my mind, but I could no longer bear the way things were going, her reaction made me realize how much I did not know her anymore.
The next day without any plan she moved her and the children into her mothers. Leaving me alone with a house payment due the next week and no possible way to pay it. I found a place and tried to call the children, but was told that I was no longer able to speak to them. I went nuts and for weeks tried to get through to her. A few months of trying to ascertain what kind of rights I might have, which were none, I became depressed and felt helpless. I was so beside myself that I decided to retreat to my mothers out of state. Before I did I went to pick up John from school. I was listed on the records as his guardian and was able to spend five minutes with him before I left to tell him I’m sorry and that I love him. He was fearful, and I could understand, I followed his bus home and right before his stop, he gave me a hug and got on the bus so that no one would know.
While with my mother up north, I managed to reconcile with Shelly enough to speak to the kids on a regular basis. As difficult as it was, hearing John being told snotily in the background by his grandpa that I was not his father and to quit calling me that, but I was happy just to be able to talk to them. I knew that she must of painted some horrible picture of me to her parents to justify the situation.
I was happy anyway knowing that they were in at least a stable environment. Later that year I was able to convince Shelly to let me fly the kids up for the summer. Which was wonderful, we had such a great time. I returned with them and helped her move into an apartment, she was told by her parents she had to get a place by a certain date, and so she did although she had not saved up for it, instead spent that money on other things. So she was struggling.
Meanwhile Henry, Steve’s real dad had settled down with a nice lady and started to help out with child support. Henry was literally introduced to his son Steve at this time, and steve now about 6 was able to develop a relationship with him. Something I was in favor of, knowing how important that it was for Steve.
Henry sent his new girlfriend back to their hometown, which I came to find out later was because he, never having fell out of love with Shelly, thought they were on the way to reconciling. Shelly having slept with him while he was with his new girlfriend, helped foster that desire even though Shelly had no intention of reconciliation. Once he realized that he returned to his hometown and rekindled things with his girlfriend who was already bearing his child.
For the most part I was able to maintain a decent relationship with Shelly and believed that a reasonable relationship could be had with me not far and weekend dad here I come. This is the way it went for a long time. My involvement regular and when Johns grades were failing, I set up study arrangements. Take Steve to football practice, etc. But Shelly’s jealousy never receded. Making any kind of plans nearly impossible.
Until recently that is, now things have changed. The years do that and now John 13 and Steve is 9. John calls me two or three times a week and we talk for hours. Steve will come and spend the night once about every month.
I was asked to baby sit while Shelly went to California, and at which time I discovered some disturbing items on John’s computer. I confronted him and was told that he was curious and that he was looking for something that I find out later to be a complete lie. But at the time I accepted his explanation. What I had found were internet searches for keywords like – incest, child porn, rape and a number of pages from a site called cruel family. He explained that the incest was out of curiosity because of a recent story he had heard about someone who was raped by his father. I knew the story and so bought that, the child porn was because he said that the other porn sites were of older people and him being a child himself, he wanted to find people his age. Which is plausible, I asked why these were the only sites he searched for, that it was normal for him to want to see pictures of the opposite sex naked, but that the internet has graphic pictures he wouldn’t understand and that if he wanted, I would buy him a subscription to playboy, knowing that at least he wouldn’t be imagining some of the crap people get off on on the internet.
Although he explained that it was experimental, there were no other sites that were sought. I would have left it at that, but then he went as far to say he also explored some gay sites as well. And when I asked him what he saw, he told me something that only a child of his age could imagine. Knowing he did not view these sites I probed further and asked why he was all over like that, he said that he felt that he might be gay. So I asked him why? He told me of an attraction he had to his best friend. I tried to be supportive, but upon reflection I started to realize that this didn’t make any sense. I decided I wasn’t going to push it any further, and didn’t mention it again to anyone.
Two years later, which bring us to now, Shelly calls me out of the blue, asking me about John and if I think he needs counseling. I speak to john more than she does even though I live across town, and she knows that john tells me practically everything. So I said yes. I do think that he has some issues. She started to cry and I asked what happened. She was barely able to say that she was worried about him. I pressed on, but she refused to tell me. So I started to ask if he had violated one of our little agreements which were: drinking smoking drugs and sex before 18. When I got to sex, her voice faltered ever so slightly.
I asked if it was something she had found, but she again refused to tell me. Knowing she would not relinquish the details, I decided to tell her about my find a couple years back. And she starts wailing harder. I told her that the one that worried me the most was the incest and the cruel family. And she sharply demanded me tell her if he was hurting Steve. I said no, that’s not happening, I said I think he wants to have sex with you. She began to cry again, and again I asked what had happened, and this time she told me.
A week or so ago she was awoken to find her panties taken down to her ankles and felt strange about it, but did not jump to any conclusions, until last night when she was woke up to find John kneeling beside her bed and trying to pull off her panties, while masturbating. I talked with him and explained how that this will make it hard for his mother to show him any kind of affection afraid that he would take it wrong. We got him into counseling, and Shelly thanked me for not only this but for the first time she expressed genuine gratitude for helping Steve with his ear.
Since this time my relationship with them has been fine, John still calls me, we have drifted and understandably, he is 16 and that’s just what happens. Isn’t it? He avoids contact with me, he stirs up imagined conflicts with his mom towards me as an excuse. His values have reversed and although he calls me all the time and I know loves me, I can’t help but wonder why he goes to such extremes to keep me at arms length . And in my heart, I know that he is torn between his mother and m, but lately he lies to me, he tells me things unnecessarily. He seems bent on hurting my feelings. It has gotten so bad lately that I almost don’t want to hear from him.
Why has he become so against me and my values? His mother in jealousy purposely took any stand she could to oppose what I would have taken a stand on, like letting the kids play grand theft auto, watch tv while doing homework, stealing, lying, sleeping a full 8 hours a night. Even the diet that I tried to institute she has changed. Has this all accumulated into them embracing her views so much so that I am a villain? nbsp;John was always berated for trying to emulate me, and now even though he does not anymore, it seems that he receives no flak at all, even though it is apparent that he has fully started to emulate his mother, instead.
I don’t want this division, or for either of them to feel they have to choose sides. But I feel mistreated by this and as a result I am now trying to distance myself from the whole thing. The problem is I feel guilty. My father committed suicide when I was 6 and I have always felt a sense of abandonment. I think part of my need to be there for them is to make up for them the feeling that I had of not having a father. But now I can’t help but feel that this is my fault, that I somehow caused this to happen or let it happen. So I also fear if I distance my self I will only solidify there perceptions. I feel trapped, I know I cannot just walk away from them, but I also feel that my life has been neglected for too long and that I will just be more miserable trying to do what is right. Help me, if you read this whole thing, please tell me what I should do. Right now I am avoiding them, but is that right?
