I'm feeling really confused and strung out at the moment, and would greatly appreciate any information any experts might have on this topic. I feel like I don't know who I am at the moment.
I guess since early adoloescence I was aroused by guys. I attributed this to hormones and the fact that I had had some sex play experiences with another male friend back when we were kids (we used to rub our penises together and put them in each others mouth). That lasted over a year, but I stopped it around the time we entered the preteen phase cos I didn't feel comfortable with it anymore. Then the attractions to guys started in my teenage years and I guess I always thought it was just a product of those experiences.
I was also aroused by girls during adolescence, just less strongly and less often than with guys. Whenever I was masturbating it was always an effort to include girls in my fantasies. Having said that, when I did succeed in that I was aroused. The same applied to when I viewed porn.
As I got older, the attractions to girls got less and less, I thought of them less and less when I masturbated and I viewed gay porn more and more. I never had any experiences with girls (or guys, until my late teens).
I stopped thinking of myself as bi and started thinking of myself as gay, but when I came out as gay to a friend, I suddenly realised I wasn't happy with that label. I have no doubt that there are people who are born innately gay and that they deserve equal respect to straight people... I'm just not sure if I'm one of them.
All of a sudden, I can't help but feel like my current orientation is some stupid accident; a product of my childhood and adolescent experiences (the friend I had sex play with is now also into guys). So I'm not a proper gay guy, but I'm not straight and I don't in any way feel bi so I'm basically just a mess. I can't feel any pride for who I am at the moment.
If any of you have expertise about any of these areas it would really help me a lot: how common are childhood experiences like the ones I've described? Can these experiences influence adult sexual orientation? In these cases is it possible to change sexual orientation (I feel terrible asking that question, but I really feel like I need to know)? Is it normal for teenagers to be attracted to both genders during adolescence and then slip into being either gay or straight?
Thanks so much for reading this
