Young woman...broken heart for me!!

I read my last question after I posted it and it did not read right!!  Here it goes.  I am 28 years old.  I have a 4 year old and a 9 month old both from different mothers.  The most recent I have been with for over 3 years and we became engaged at the end of 2006.  I loved her so much but there were some things that I put up with through it all due to her immaturity.  Even before the baby was born we had some conflict with my current daughter.  She took a stance of she is not my responsibility.  I tried to explain to her that I was a package deal and she did not care.  She looked at my daughter as an annoyance instead of a joy...dont get me wrong kids are hard but if you get involved with someone who has children they are then your responsibility too.  After our baby girl was born we had problems agreeing on what to do...schedules, letting her cry..etc...she told me that she was going to do whatever she wanted to and wouldnt listen to anybody as her FRIEND told her that everyone will tell you what to do but your the mom.  Arent I the dad??  I dont feel I should be put in the category of everyone when we are engaged to be married.  Anyhow the love started to get lost.  No passion..rear sexual contact.  I found myself begging for her attention.  We had no alone time...and her communication skills are very lacking.  I could tell she was not happy but when i asked her she was always fine.  Just recently we she finally listened and started putting her in the crib ( for the first time in 9 months) and a window opened up for us to have some alone time.  Two weekends in a row she went out.  The first weekend she went out and did not come home until 4 in the morning...ignored all my phone calls... and she is still breastfeeding (not on a bottle yet) drunk.  Big problem.  She appologized as she knew it was wrong but she was not done yet.  The very next weekend she had plans to help one of our friends cook for a bbq the next day.  I was once again home alone with the kids.  She told me that she would not be home until 1am.  I thought this was funny.  What can you cook until 1am.  She claimed they had a lot of things to do.  I told her like I had a million time that I feel distant and miss her.  "I really miss you and want to spend some time with you."  She could tell I was down in the dumps reaching out for her touch, her love, her kiss...she left anyway.  Come to find out she was not where she said she was going to be.  She ignored my calls again and lied to me about where she was.  I could not take it anymore.  By the time she got home I had all of her clothes bagged up.  She moved back in with her mom the next day.  I feel horrible now. Alone with that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.  She tells me that she didnt do anything wrong and I am in the wrong for kicking her out.  I try to tell her how I feel and why but it seems as if she doesnt care.  Almost looking for a way out and I gave it to her.  Did I do anything wrong?  Do I approach her?  Do I wait for her to realize what she had?  Help me out with some good insight!


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DB Lady
3001 answers
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Live simply, love generously and  care deeply.

 

You both need to sit down and communicate everything that you need to tell her and she the same way.   You need to tell her that you love her very much and want to have a good close relationship with her and that includes sexual intimacy. She seems immature leaving the child with you until 1 am and then not coming home.  Hopefully she was not with another man when she did come home late and then did not come home one night.  Ask her what her priorities are and how she feels about your relationship.  The one that suffers the most are the kids.  That's not fair for them, they are innocent.

    Whatever she says, if she still wants to be with you, I think you should give her a chance to prove to you that she is going to change for the better and be more attentive to your kids ' and your needs.  I surely hope that that you guys are not going to break up.  You need to try to keep your relationship intact for the children's well-being.  Take care and please try to do the right thing.
Posted 5 months ago ( permalink )
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OronD
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Love is the battery of life....

Hi,
My friend Dogbreeder gave you, as usual, an excellent answer (gave her 2 thumbs up).  I would like to add several comments / suggestions: 
Sit with yourself and decide: Do you really love her ? Do you really want her back ? Do you really think there is hope for this relation ? - If the answers (to all) is YES than you have to be strong and brave and talk to her.  Best will be face-2 face (not on the phone and not e-mail).  Tell her exactly how you feel and what you want.  Ask her if she loves you and if she wants to return home and try to bring your relations back to track.  If the answers (to all) is YES than sit down and work out (together with her) an agreement (what to do and what not to do).  Be as specific as you (both) can.  Sign down an agreement.  A bit too official but it might help.  If you can't do it by yourself better get a marriage counseling.  A matured experienced person might help you (both) very much to overcome your problems. 
Best regards,

Posted 4 months ago ( permalink )
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The break up has already taken place.  It was me teeling her to move out.  I could on and on about the things that she has done from the beggining of the realtionship.  i have been so forgiving.  The problem is that I do all the talking and it seems as if now it is to little to late.  We were texting last night and I asked her if we could sit down and talk about things since she is bringing over our daughter this evening.  She said that she was not trying to be mean but we have nothing to talk about and she wants to just move on.  She then made a comment that she is having a really hard time and cant FORGIVE me for kicking her out of the house.  That blew me away. She cant forgive me for what I thought was standing up for myself.  Im sick of being a doormat and I thought that her moving home would help her realize what she had??  Maybe it was rash and inpulsive.  I do know that I love her.  I think that she has love for me but she is not in love with me anymore.  I have asked her many times to open and talk to me.  I will address my feelings and ask for a response.  She always has nothing to say.  I have gone as far as asking her to write things down if she is afraid.  I have written her letters hoping for a repsonse.  I feel as if I am walking down a one way street chasing after someone that is young, naive, and has no real drive to work together.  I paid all the bills except for her cell phone which her mom paid for.  I bought her a new car after the child was born since her old car was only a 2 door.  The burden I had financially was immense and I didnt complain.  SHe staid home all day and slept.  Slept all the time.  no dinner when I came home.  House wasnt clean.  I didnt complain.  All I wanted was some attention.  SHOW ME YOU LOVE ME.  Then once we have a chance for some alone time....she chose to go out without me.  Be somewhere that I wasnt.  I understand a need to get out of house and having friends is good....but when you and your MATE have not spent alone time together...and I would to go out with her...she doesnt ask me to go with her....she has other plans..plans that dont include me when that is all I want to do???  I have a hole inside that wont go away.
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gee
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peace to your soul sir. since she left, do you wonder if she is doing anything now, that she lives with her mother? she seems like a cold person. and women should not be cold. if she is cold then she is not the one for you . i have left women just because they were not headed in the same direction that i  was going in. i just said this is not for me.a house with a bad woman in it, is a bad house for a good man.  i relate to you. my girlfriend has a son who calls me dad but his mother will seperatye me and him when she is mad at me.just to have him tell me later he is sorry for how  his mother treats me. i still do my part as a parent because god asks this of me. he makes a womans' stuggle hard, for her, because with out gods image in the home ,the women is alone and unprotected.this is naturally the demise of woman who do not understand there position and purpose of herself  according to god.god made adam in his image. who hates gods image? of course the devil. so when women act devilish, do not fret he will replace her with another  woman that your kids will see as a mother, as i am created in the image of the father of man, a child will see a good man as a father even if he is not the biological parent.if you are not concerned if she is doing  wrong a way from you 24/7 then you have answered your own question.it is too many women on earth for you to concern over one. do not cheat, be patient until everything is clear. and put in your mind that you are going to look for yourself,in a woman. man has to follow god,and woman has to follow man, and the woman should teach the kids this order. or you could, if you have agreat mother like i have,look for someone like our mothers,this will be a harder way to find a good woman, and it lets you know why we are in the situatuion we are in.
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you need to stop finding women to fit in with your plans, maybe you need to take on a woman with kids of her own and practice what you preach then maybe you will be able to comprehend the underlying problems without even having to discuss them and find the answers within you.
Posted 4 months ago ( permalink )