I suppose that if I really had to commit the ultimate crime (and get away with it) it would be that:

1.  I roped President Obama into a chair, read him back each and every one of his ludicrous campaign promises, and demanded to know why in the blazes he thought everyone would be stupid enough to believe him!

2.  I roped Rush Limbaugh into the next chair and tortured him with seventeen hours of my best original poetry unless he came up with more credible stuff to use against the Democrats!

3.  I would install a liar detector on the front of the Hall of Congress: every time a liar passed, it would emit an unbelievably obnoxious howl and drive the lying creep away!  (See Rush Limbaugh).

4.  The final and most appalling crime I would commit would be to:

A.  Declare open season on crooked attorneys.

B.  Declare open season on crooked attorneys who swore that they were honest!

C.  Give Barrack Obama an aggravated migraine, and possibly inform the entire gay community that he was coming out of the closet.  Michelle would preside over the festivities.

Oh?  You tell me that it isn't illegal, immoral, or even fattening?

Well, it's nice to think about, anyway.