Son's Girlfriend Doesn't like Our Family

She has the right to not like you. Sounds to me she has a strong spirited and independent nature. She will likely end up as an exectutive in her future rather a waitress that TAKES ORDERS WELL. Don't assume your strong "family closeness" is correct. God loves us all. She is not wrong. Just independant. Appreciate that. She is likely gonna be an achiever. Your job as Mother is to help them build THEIR relationship. not YOURS!. It's time to step aside, let go and believe you have taught him of love. He knows it when he feels it. If you don't support them and you can't be close anymore. It's THEIR thing now. You want and expect her to be perfect. Maybe she is and it's just your phobic cause she don't like you. Their relationship has nothing to do with you. Step aside and here's why... I have been married to my only wife for over 30 years. The span of our love is over 35 years. We met when she was 16 and I was 18. Her family and Dad always made me feel welcome. My Mother in law never did. She had plans for her Daughter including marying a guy from a rich household. My mother in law wanted me to kiss her ass like the rest of her family. I was raised independantly. My parents didn't expect me to do their every wish. Well despite her effort to keep us apart when we were young, our love for each other grew into marriage. My Wife was chaised by her Mom for not kissing her ass with frequent visits and additional motherly desires. MY WIFE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF 35 YEARS OF HER MOTHERS NEEDS, not ours. Well, I shed my leather jacket some years back and became a Vice President / Director of a business. I have provided EVERYTHING she could want including 2 lovely homes ( 1 on a lake, not a cabin, a 3 bedroom home) new cars, jewlrey, everything she wants (not needs). My Mother taught me to respect those that earn it. Cause if you don't, she's gonna hate you until your dead. Your Son will bear the weight of your bullshit of not caring for her. She wont care, ever. You don't have to love her, but she wants your approval. Your way is not her way. Support their love. It may last a long, long, long time. 

Hi,

     Your son is old enough to have his own life apart from his original family, your family.  If his girfriend does not like you, so be it.  You cannot force someone to like you, maybe she sensed that you don't like her too.  No matter what it is, don't be in the middle of your son's relationship with her.  Leave them alone, they are old enough and she is your son's choice.  You don't have to like her too.  The most important thing is you need to be polite and be civil when you are around her.

     This is not the first case wherein daughter-in-laws and mother-in-laws don't get along.  I think it stems from jealousy and the fact that the mother still thinks that her son is still the young boy that she had before and also the mother thinks that the new girlfriend or wife is taking their son away from them.  Please change your attitude toward  her.  Make her feel welcome to your family and make her comfortable.  Treat her as if she was your new daughter, not your son's girlfriend.  Then possibly you'll have a better relationship with her and your son will be happy too because he does not have to take any sides.  But in the end, if he married her, he probably  will side with her.  Also, when they will have children in the future, you may want to see your grandkids.  So it's good to patch up your differences with her.  As long as she loves your son and does not cheat on him, let this issue go.

My advice:  Be NICE to her.

Take care.

If you push your son to break up with this girl, you will effectively do just the opposite. I'd suggest backing off. Let your son figure out on his own that she is not right for him; continue to be polite and courteous to his girlfriend if she comes over, but don't worry about it too much. If your son was raised correctly, (which guessing from your message, he was), he will wake up one day and realize she's not right for him and that this is just a phase he's going through as a result of his brother's murder. It's likely that he feels he can talk to her about his feelings toward his brother's murder and cannot comfortably with you and the rest of the members of your family. Maybe he's able to express feelings that you've told him he should let go? (Like anger or the feeling of being cheated?) Have you suggested to him to seek out counseling? Maybe he just needs someone who will listen to him without judging, someone who is not a member of the family? If he hasn't sought out counseling, that might be something you could suggest to him.

Your love for your son has to be the greater than anyone else or anything. And to love your son is to respect his choices even if you dont agree. That is the greatest love you can give anyone is to be free from judgement other wise you have no love for him. sometime in your life you have made the wrong choice. And Im sure someone still loved you. And he will love you greater because you let him make his own choice.

Wow, I was reading through some of the answers and advice the other people gave you and it felt a little like they were ripping on you.  I am a young mother, but I am also mature enough to understand where you are coming from.  I think your fear is that this new girlfriend will keep you from having the things that you expect to have with your son in his adult life.  Big Holiday meals with the in-laws and grandchildren, shopping days with your daughter-n-law.  Your fears are understandable, however meaningless.  Your son needs your support more now than ever.  He most likely feels the gap being drawn between the two of you and he is looking for you to either support the change or fight it.  What you need to do is continue to love and support your son which is what it seems like you are already doing.  Try and keep your opinions about his girlfriend to yourself but do express your concern about the sudden change in his family involvement.  Make sure he knows that you do recongnize that he is an adult and you respect that but you would also like to see him and even her around.  Do not ever exclude her because right now she is also his family.  She may be battleing feelings of inferiority b/c she may be aware of your relationship with the ex girlfriend.  Maybe one day it would even be nice for you to invite her to brunch or something and actually confront the situation in a very public and nuetral environment.  Let her know that you are unaware of why she feels the way she does towards you but you would like to change it.  You can't change who your son dates but you can help keep the relationship between you and his girlfriend friendly and civil.  Over time if you remain honest but polite you will see her walls begin to break down and you might end up really loving each other.  Always be the bigger person and treat her how you would prefer her to treat you.