Frank Minirth, M.D.
My husband & I visited my sister and her husband several states away from our home for the weekend a couple of months ago. My younger sister joined us on the trip. There would be 5 of us staying with my sister friday night, saturday night, sunday night, leaving monday. The first full day together (Saturday) was planned as follows: Prepare a picnic lunch, travel to a local zoo, have the picnic, walk around the zoo. Return home, prepare a light supper, lots of relatives of my brother-in-law - all ages - mostly teens) stopping by (bringing everything needed to have an outdoor supper barbeque and shoot off fireworks in the yard after the sun went down.
This is how that Saturday unfolded. My brother in law walked into the kitchen area, where he stated to my sister, who already looked overtired, that the picnic foods needed to be ready by 9:30 a.m. as they needed to head out to pick up other people and get to the zoo by a certain time. He then said that he was very uncomfortable having a barbeque on his property on Sabbath because it wasn't honoring God in his mind the way He should be. (His son was bringing everything needed, including the barbeque, and is not a practicing Christian) Also, these arrangement had been made prior to that morning with his son. When my younger sister and I questioned the logic of cooking on a stove or a grill - he said he just knew it was wrong and didn't care who else did it.
My other sister, his wife, is struggling to get all the foods ready to leave on time, my husband, myself and my younger sister are helping her. My sister's husband sat on the sofa the whole time, talking on the telephone with a friend of his, asking questions from the Bible, without offering to be of any assistance in the preparations. When their trash can became to an overflowing state I made a snide comment, "we could use help with the trash". He jumped off the sofa stating, "Yes, I know, I'm useless, I'm no good, I'm lazy". Then said, "What difference does it make if my trash is overflowing? I said, It makes it hard to keep working when we don't know what to do with the waste. He was suddenly very down and depressed acting. I apologized for the way I mentioned the need of trash removal indirectly and sarcastically instead of kinding asking him for help.
Now it was time to leave for the picnic: We also brought a 5 month old puppy with us (to be crated when we left). We told my sister we would join the picnic in about 1/2 hour behind them, because we didn't want to be gone from home more that 5-6 hours, to ensure the puppy is not in any discomfort. I did not ride with my Brother-in-law, but my younger sister did and she said he complained the whole way of how picky we are with our dog, we should never have made plans for anything. We should have just stayed home so that I could be with my puppy. That was very hurtful.
The entire day at the zoo was tense, he remained in a pouting state the entire afternoon. When we returned home to prepare a little food for the barbeque, he said he was hungry and asked for one of the sandwiches left over from the picnic. My sister said she had just eaten it as she was hungry. He said in a very unkind voice, why did you do that - I wanted it!
When the guests arrived, there were probably 12 or more teens. They played well in the yard, just sitting around talking and playing guessing games to amuse themselves while waiting for the food to cook. Then they decided to play a game called "red rover" I think. Two teams, one person from a team runs across the yard and tries to break through the arms of the other team holding hands. Before long there was a lot of laughing and hilarity. My brother-in-law along with his adult son, both of which are big guys - the son is heavy also, decided to in their words "set up" the oldest boy of the teenagers and grab him as he tried to break through my brother-in-law & son's arms and wrestle him to the ground and pin him there. Why? Suddenly, in the middle of a fun game, with the older guests sitting around in lawn chairs talking and absentmindly watching this game. Why they would do this, no one knows. A struggle ensued. The teenager was embarrassed because he couldn't free himself, he wasn't strong enough, he looked like he was being hurt physically also because both men were wrestling hard. The teen's younger brother, saw what was going on and ran to his rescue, screaming for them to stop. My brother-in-law really yelled at him, grabbed him and pushed him and told him to get away, it was none of his business. This was now humiliating for the younger brother, remember there are teen girls around also. It was a mess. It was unwarrented and unprevoked behavior. I was so upset, I grabbed my puppies leash and took off for a walk. I have been so upset with myself ever since that I did not walk right up to this situation tell them to stop. This unkind and abusive behavior outweighted the potential worldliness of a "barbeque" so much more in my mind that I was beside myself. The next morning, my brother in law walked into his kitchen, stood behind the counter and told me, he had only done it to protect the younger brother. He said, if the younger brother had intervened, his son would have hurt him. He was just trying to save him. Even though he was yelling and grabbed him and did not show any signs of mercy or love toward his grandson.
He said, "this is just the way the men in my family are". I did not respond verbally to his speech that morning. I was quietly crying as he spoke - he could see the tears running down my face, though I tried to hide them, because I felt if I opened my mouth he would get upset. I didn't know how to respond.
My brother-in-law has quite a history with our family. He has always been one to lay around the house, he orders my sister around (she says he's fine - she has no issues) He has done some serious things to her and her daughters in the past, but a couple of years ago, he confessed everything to his church pastor, he was re-baptized, he was re-married to my sister and he was selected as a church elder. He feels he has done all the steps to full redemption necessary. I too, felt he was on the road to recovery. I praised God for His healing. The behavior that weekend was so suprising to us, as we haven't seen him act out like this for a couple of years. I told my sister, and I wrote a letter to my brother-in law directly, that I feel our families (husbands and wives) should meet with a pastor or counselor so that we can learn from this shocking incident. I do not feel comfortable in their home because you never know when he is going to plummet into depression, critisize my sister, insult my other sister, or do something harmful to children that visit. I do not want to loose the close relationship with my sister. I need advise. It is difficult to tell you all the heartache that has been caused for all the years of their marriage. He says he is unwilling to meet with a professional because if he makes a mistake again in the future, we will still hold him responsible. He wants us to talk to him directly, but he has not given any inkling that he did anything wrong from that weekend. He had good cause to conduct himself that way. What would you recommend?
