Hello and thanks for your response. You asked how I went through my marriage not knowing something was wrong. The truth is, I DID know. But in the beginning (shortly after we married) the signs were infrequent. He would do stupid things on the spur of the moment, then blame someone else.... it's never them, is it? As I look back, he did many things in the first, say, ten years of our marriage that seemed quirky, but since he wasn't like that in the two years we dated, I thought he would "settle down". That was my first mistake.
The next mistake I made was not telling anyone how strange his behavior was or how awful he was treating me. I'm not a complainer and he knew that and took advantage of my nice demeanor. He talked behind EVERYONE'S back. Family, friends, neighbors, etc. no one escaped him! I was covering for him by keeping quiet! He would run everyone down behind their back, then turn around and be their best friend to their face - sometimes within a span of five minutes. He hated my parents but they thought he was wonderful. They didn't know the real him. He hated his own parents because they saw the real person he was, only they didn't make it known to anyone either. It got to the point where I had no friends and very little family contact because of him. He acted like a jealous bully. He didn't want me to talk to anyone. That's what abusers do, they isolate you from everyone.
Here's another important trait of a personality disordered person, they hold grudges. He had it in for people 20-30 years later for dumb things. He hated my grandmother and when she died, he announced he was not going to her funeral. Why? Because when he was 18, she told him his hair was too long! He was 38 when she died. I told him if he didn't go, our marriage was over. He went. Our marriage ended six years later, anyway. Small man, big idiot.
Like I said, do not stay married to someone when they treat you horribly. If he's saying terrible things to your face early into the relationship, that's a sign things will get worse and worse - not better. Tell everyone, including family the first time thing's go wrong. Build a support group. Don't end up like me and after you file for divorce have people say, "Well, he's such a nice guy, why are you divorcing such a good man?" Run for your life!
