Overly sensitive daughter

Hi,

Please, please, please seek some professional help for your daughter. It could be talking to her school counselor, your primary care physician or a psychologist.  It is important that you help her through these troubling times. I do not mean to be rude but to keep asking the questions here is not solving the issue. She needs professional help. Please see that  she gets it.

Your Child's Psychological Checklist

1. Has your child had a persistent sad or melancholy mood?
2. Has your child been nervous, anxious, fearful or phobic for a few months?
3. Has your child experienced serious chronic sleeping or eating problems?
4. Has your child's behavior worsened substantially?
5. Has your child's academic performance continually deteriorated?
6. Has your child withdrawn from friends and/or family and become a loner?
7. Is she saying that she has no friends and that no one likes her?
8. Has your child complained of persistent headaches or stomachaches?
9. Has your child talked of wishing she were dead, not wanting to be alive or how she is going to die?

If the answer to any of these questions is yes, and if your child's condition does not improve within a few weeks, seek professional help. If the answer to question 9 is yes, seek help immediately.

http://life.familyeducation.com/mental-health/clinical-assessment/36205.html

The Highly Sensitive Child: Parenting Strategies

It is all too easy to get drawn into reacting in certain ways that, unfortunately, only dig the hole deeper for you and your child. It's very easy for parents of sensitive children to swing from one extreme to the other. They may be quite empathetic, but not very disciplined about setting limits or giving their children structure. When this fails, they become rigid and strict, but not very empathetic. This pattern is understandable, of course. A parent may assume that if he or she were a "better" parent - more nurturing, more understanding, more patient, more responsive - then the child would be easier to live with. And so, the parent begins to indulge and overprotect the child. A mother may try desperately to calm her angry, crying seven-month-old with hugs and offers of juice and toys. Both parents may carry her around constantly, afraid to put her down for fear she will burst into tears again. They play with her continually and won't leave her with a babysitter for fear she will get upset. The parents of a sensitive three-year-old may find themselves spending hours trying to get her to go to bed - reading to her, playing with her, singing to her, rubbing her back. The parents of an eight-year-old who is upset at being rejected by a friend may respond by arranging play dates with other children, and offering a constant stream of unsought-after advice. When an eleven-year-old complains over the amount of homework he has, his parents may step in and do part of the homework and then call the teacher up to complain about the volume of schoolwork.

Unfortunately, such actions may only teach a child to be more helpless and dependent. As a result, he or she may respond with even more whiny, demanding behavior. When that occurs, after the poor parents have exhausted themselves with trying to "fix" things for their child, the parents' indulgent, protective attitude begins to fade, to be replaced with anger and impatience. After all, they had assumed that indulging their child would make their child "better." But, after all their work and worry, she isn't better! They may begin to yell at the child constantly and perhaps even spank her, and react with irritation to anything she says and does for a time. Some parents withdraw instead of getting angry. They relate less to their child, play less with her, in an attempt to stay emotionally distant from her. But the effect is the same. Then the cycle begins all over again. The parents revert to trying to protect and indulge the child before their anger kicks back in again. Depending on the parents and the family, these moods can occur over a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, or a few weeks.

Sometimes parents unknowingly split up the roles. One parent, often the mother, will be indulgent, while the father is angry and overbearing, thinking he can shout his troublesome child into submission. While the father yells, the mother may feel sorry for what now seems like her vulnerable little baby. Sometimes the mother is the one who gets angry and frustrated, while the father is the protective one. While each parent's approach may be consistent, the child is aware of the vacillation between the parents' approaches. When parents are divorced or separated, the vacillation may be even more intense. One parent may feel guilty about the divorce and become even more indulgent, while the other parent responds to the "spoiling" with anger at the child. Sometimes parents in this frame of mind will behave in a punitive manner; for example, in addition to yelling at the child, they may handle the child in a physically intrusive way. They may grab her, restrain her more firmly than needed, or order the child around ("You come here right now, or else!"). A thicker-skinned child would be affected by such behavior, but be able to minimize the effects. But to the sensitive child, a loud voice, a rough grab, may feel like a major calamity.

Vacillations between anger and overprotectiveness only worsen the situation. The child feels anxious and unsafe as she tries to cope with her parents' unpredictability. It's yet another way she gets confused by her world. At one moment, she is being fussed over and treated with kid gloves, and the next minute she is being harshly scolded or ignored. She may withdraw or rebel further.

Parents, for their part, feel responsible for their child's behavior, and therefore incompetent and inadequate when they can't "fix" their child. Because they can't stand hearing that constant inner voice telling them they are incompetent, and the guilt it invokes, they may respond with anger or by withdrawing from the child. Some parents may also feel disappointed and sad that the child isn't the easy-going sweetheart they had expected. Rather than acknowledging the disappointment to themselves, they may cover it up by blaming the child. They begin to see the child's behavior as one big manipulation. "She's just trying to get attention" is a comment I hear frequently from parents of overly sensitive children.

Parents may respond to these inner feelings by getting very rigid. "That's the only cereal you're going to get," an exasperated mother may snap at the child complaining about the Cheerios. "So eat them. You don't get anything else until lunch!"

Or they may attribute malevolent intentions to their child. "My child wants to break up our marriage," I have heard parents say. Or, "He's just doing that to make me feel bad." Or, "I think my child is evil. He's out to get me!" In the extreme, parents can even become physically abusive.

Some parents fall into what I call an "escape pattern" with a child who clings constantly. The child stays wrapped around the parent so much that the parent feels suffocated and perhaps even angry by her presence. "I can't get a moment to myself," a mother or father says in despair. So the parents "escape" every chance they get: they talk on the phone, read a magazine, busy themselves with chores - anything to give themselves a moment's peace. But this "escape pattern" only confirms the child's worst fears - that the parent is trying to run away from her. So she may get even more vigilant, hanging on even more, causing her parents to feel even more suffocated and angry and increasing their desire to want to run away even more. And so the cycle continues.

How Parents Can Help the Sensitive Child
The goal for the parent of a sensitive child is to work around the child's sensitivities in order to provide the basic psychological experiences that she needs for emotional development. But it takes a special kind of parenting to cope successfully with a child who is drowning in a sea of sensations. Even though she may be a gifted, brilliant child, her sensory system isn't quite under her control.

Parents of such a child need to work together as a team. They need to create a parenting atmosphere that has four basic elements: (1) empathy, (2) structure and limits, (3) encouragement of initiative, and (4) self-observation.

Empathy: An extra-sensitive child needs more empathy, compassion, and flexibility than most kids. At the same time, she requires more firmness and structure than many other children. In other words, I am suggesting here that you use more of both the carrot and the stick.

http://life.familyeducation.com/behavioral-problems/shyness/40424.html

Depression can be a temporary response to many situations and stresses. In adolescents, depressed mood is common because of the normal maturation process, the stress associated with it, the influence of sex hormones, and independence conflicts with parents.

It may also be a reaction to a disturbing event, such as the death of a friend or relative, a breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend, or failure at school. Adolescents who have low self-esteem, are highly self-critical, and who feel little sense of control over negative events are particularly at risk to become depressed when they experience stressful events.

True depression in teens is often difficult to diagnose because normal adolescent behavior is marked by both up and down moods. These moods may alternate over a period of hours or days.

Persistent depressed mood, faltering school performance, failing relations with family and friends, substance abuse, and other negative behaviors may indicate a serious depressive episode. These symptoms may be easy to recognize, but depression in adolescents often starts very differently than these classic symptoms.

Excessive sleeping, change in eating habits, even criminal behavior (like shoplifting) may be signs of depression. Another common symptom of adolescent depression is an obsession with death, which may take the form either of suicidal thoughts or of fears about death and dying.

Adolescent girls are twice as likely as boys to experience depression.

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/001518.htm

Please, please, please seek some professional help for your daughter. It could be talking to her school counselor, your primary care physician or a psychologist.  It is important that you help her through these troubling times. I do not mean to be rude but to keep asking the questions here is not solving the issue. She needs professional help. Please see that  she gets it.

Good luck and best wishes. 

I think if you'd ask my mother, she'd say I was her overly-sensitive daughter. I found it helpful when I'd get upset about something that at the time felt huge (but was really minor), my mother would remind me about the more important things in my life, like how important my family is. I used to come home crying from school about how no one liked me when someone I thought was a friend said something mean to me (even people who I knew deep down cared about me). Those times, my mom would sit with me and we'd talk about how much bad stuff goes on in the world and what kinds of things we could do to help the world become a better place. (I remember tying a yellow ribbon on my backpack during the Gulf War and although I didn't agree with the war, I felt that I could be more supportive of the troops and their families who had to deal with their family members being away.) I remember that is what sparked my interest in helping soliders who had just come back from war re-adjust to being back home.

My son was diagnosed with hyper-sensitivity disorder. He used to cry at most any arguement or comment made to him. He's 11yrs. old now but has been like this since about 4-5 yrs. old. It's somewhat common with ADD kids. He take an antidpressant and is functioning much better. Take her for a screening w/ a psychologist.

Hi,  I was overly sensitive as well when I was young. It's not an easy way to be. I did learn later in life that a lot of it depended on how I "viewed" things. I had to change the way I saw or recieved things in order to not be so affected by things people said. I now do not take myself so seriously and I try to put myself in the other persons position to understand why they say what they do. I will ask them what they meant by that so I don't misunderstand.

I rely on the bible a lot as well for the direction I need. You'd be surprised that it handles this kind of situations. I do however agree to seeking a professional for added help. This is a very serious problem and to take it head on now will give this child more peace later on in life. I wish you the best my friend.

Wow, I took your question so much differently than the others here.  My immediate take was that your daughter doesn't take criticism well, gets mad and pushes her friends away... and I would say the best way to deal with that kind of sensitivity is to back her.  Quit thinking she is doing something wrong or making poor decisions, or "over-reacting", because you don't know the whole story...support her in every way you can, set her up to succeed, encourage her talents, reach farther toward an impossible dream; the long term thinking makes petty stuff petty and not overwhelming.  Help her see her strengths, help her define her values, and let her know that you support her (keep her off drugs and that means don't give them to her, or force her to take them- I mean really, people), take the extra time to love her, and believe in her to choose her friends and to push away people who aren't supportive, but just keep things light, laugh more, and teach her to laugh more, eat right, drink a glass of water when you get upset, offer one to her when she does... or geez, opt for a lobotomy, whatever

I agree that professional screening is necessary to determine if she has a disorder or if she is just going through a phase.  It is better to be safe than sorry.  Good Luck

I was that overly sensitive child, and now i am a sensitive adult.  Dont worry too much about it, all your daughter is learning is the way she doesnt want to be treated so that when she is older she will repect and treat people very well, to the point where people will come to her for advice or a shoulder to cry on - her friendships will be made with the proper people and although people like us get hurt early on especially by relationships the friendships she will make will come in time.  I found writing poetry and in journals helped when I was younger, I also played sports...  Perhaps either of these avenues would work?   They worked for me, although every onhce and a while i am over sensitive to a comment, that comment usually comes from someone I wouldnt want in my life and is disregarded...  Good Luck