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Needy husband..

Needy husband.. My husband is very needy and I have recently found out he is posting personals ads to "find someone to talk to". He says there is no intent on cheating. I came upon a few of his responses when I was fixing his computer and he refers to me in each one. This is the 2nd time he has done it in our 6 years of marriage. In 2005 he had a personals ad for a week, before he ?realized that it wasn?t worth losing his wife?. Then in June of this year he had some games on Facebook, do you want me, do you think I am attractive?rate me. I found out and he apologized said he was just doing it to find someone to talk to. I am not a needy person and I don't know how to deal with him. He would be extremely happy if it was just him, the kids and I, if I didn't have my close group of friends. I on the other hand, need to get away, need some time for myself with my friends. I love him but this newest thing has me really worried that he may start cheating. He says he won't, it never crossed his mind, but why does he need female friends who will listen? He has one friend whom I detest because I know she is after him, all the signs are there and I told him I didn't like her or want her around, so he has gone to seeing her behind my back. He says he does the facebook and myspace stuff because he likes the attention. I feel like he expects me to dote over him every second of the day, and it?s just not possible for me. I have a family, work, and school to deal with too. I actually asked him if he is so miserable with me, why does he stay married to me and his response?because I love you more than life itself. If he loves me, why would he do this? I really want to get past this but I was blindsided by all this, I thought we were happily married. What can I do to help him, to help our marriage? I really do love him.


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Equus
822 answers
1256 thumbs up

   " I have my Freedom , but I don't have much time " Wild Horses . The Stones                                                  Protect The Mustang .

                                       

                                                  

                                                              



 
                                                                                                             

I see both sides .  Would have a big problem with my husband lying to me by going behind my back to do anything , let alone seeing a woman who his wife feels is after him .  He's told you he does this for the attention , and while you may feel you spend enough time with him , apparently his needs are not being met , he's told you he is Lonely  .   And it doesn't matter who is right or wrong , it is the way he feels .   You most certainly need to stay in marriage counseling , in my opinion your marriage is in a danger zone .  Your husband is seeking attention from other women because he feels he is not getting enough attention from you .  And that is NEVER good , sometimes things start out as innocent and end in disaster .   As far as him needing to make friends , I think that is wonderful , but not with women only and that is the impression I am getting .  Not that he cannot have female friends , is he also searching for male friends ?   What did your marriage counselor have to say about your husband's internet seekings and your feelings of worry ?  
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justm
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Thanks for the replies.

I have absolutely no problem with him wanting to make friends, NONE, but I do have a problem with the way he did it. I asked him how he would feel if I went to the internet and searched out guys to be friends with. He wasn't happy about it either. He says he would search out guys, but he doesn't think they would respond and may think he was gay or looking for a "partner".  It’s not as easy for guys to find friends as it is for women. He never took time away from us to look either, he did it while he was at work, usually on his lunch hour.

I should also mention that I only go out with girlfriends by myself about once a month at one point it was twice a month. Any other time is usually while he is at school and we all meet up with our kids. If we get together on the weekend, its almost always with the husbands. He is there and occasionally my friends husband come along too, but he works weekends, so not always. I don’t ignore him when they are around for the most part he is right in the conversations with us.

He also gets upset when I am at work and can’t talk to him. He doesn’t understand why I can’t just drop everything and talk. I call him maybe once at work, if he can’t talk, I call back or he calls me back. He doesn’t like me watching TV, ever. He doesn’t like me standing outside and talking to the neighbor either. It’s not just the internet stuff, its lots. He is a needy guy. He needs me to be stuck by his side and I can’t do it. I have my kids, school and work too. He would honestly be happy if I was home, barefoot and pregnant, but it can’t happen. We have looked at me being a stay at home mom and it’s not possible. Honestly this all started up again this year when I started school again. We are both in school, work full time and make time for our kids and each other, but apparently I don’t make enough time. Maybe I will have to stay up till all hours of the night so he feels like I am there for him. Then what? I live a horrible life because I am even more exhausted than I am already? There are not enough hours in the day to make everyone happy and believe I try.

As for dogbreeder, when you are there and have done it, then tell me that is what you will do. Don’t forget to add 4 kids, a job, school as well as studying for a career breaking test, into the mix.  I would have probably said the same thing if I was in your shoes, but perception versus reality are two significantly different things.

I will suggest he come here though that is a great idea.
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DB Lady
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Live simply, love generously and  care deeply.

 

Hi Justm,

     I understood everything you said in your reply.  Our lives are so hectic, so many things to do and not enough time.  But in marriage, we have to take our priorities.  Being married carries with it a lot of responsibilities, that is responsibility to your children and to your husband.  It is not easy at all.  But if both husband and wife concentrate in helping each other, supporting each other in all undertakings, anything will feel lighter.  When you got married, you vowed to honor each other, support each other and to make each other the priority next to God.  Life is full of struggle and is not that easy.

     I will suggest 2 excellent books for you to read.  It is called the PROPER CARING AND FEEDING OF HUSBANDS AND THE PROPER CARING AND FEEDING OF MARRIAGES by Dr Laura Schlessinger.  She is an excellent marriage counselor, a psychologist and a psychotherapist.  She has helped a lot of married couples who were having marital problems.  She has a website called DRLAURA.COM.  She has a radio program on the AM channel and she gives advices over the air, very interesting and smart woman.

    You have to work on your marriage so you can save it regardless of how busy you are. If a man gets the attention in the bedroom and out of the bedroom, I think he ceases to be needy because his needs are fulfilled.

     You said that you have 4 children.  You need to train the children to help you with simple household chores like doing the laundry, cleaning the house, washing dishes,   folding clothes and some simple cooking.  Once you got them trained, you will have less to do at home, you'll have time for school work, and have quality time for your man who you said you love dearly.

    I was not being judgmental when I gave my previous responses.  I did not have the full picture of your family situation.  Please forgive me if I sounded like I was judging you.  I am not here to do that.  I'm here to help others, to learn from other members and to form a network of  nice compassionate friends from all walks of life.  We hope that your husband will be one of us at Yedda, I'm sure he will enjoy this and who knows?  You might be the one complaining that he does not have time for you. I certainly hope that it  will not happen.

As one of the Yeddais closes, she always says PEACE!
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Equus
822 answers
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   " I have my Freedom , but I don't have much time " Wild Horses . The Stones                                                  Protect The Mustang .

                                       

                                                  

                                                              



 
                                                                                                             

Hi Justm,  Please do not think any of us are judging you , we truly are not .         I just see some things in your question that worry me .  Couple things you said and a couple your husbands said .   You said  ...  " I came upon " ,  " I found out "  and  " I thought we were happily married " .    Your husband said  ....        " Find someone to talk to "  and  " I am lonely " .....   I wish you the best and Yes have him join yedda , he will find plenty of friends , just like you have . 
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Skitch
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Surrender.  Surrender.  But don't give yourself away . . . .

   ~ Cheap Trick ~

Justm ~

Realize that the reason you got the answers you got was because we weren't given enough information.  It is one of the problems with this site, in that if you are asking a very complex question, it is vital that you put down as much info as you can.  That can mean almost writing a book!!! But, I have found the questions where the askers are the happiest with the answers they get are the longest, most detailed questions.  You should be allowed to relax outside your home and chat with your neighbor, and if I didn't have the TV to escape to some times, I think I would lose my mind.  That is way over the edge.  Tell him to watch TV with you.  And there is no law that says he can't go outside and join in your conversations with the neighbor.  Both of you need to make concessions during this time when you are obviously overwhelmed with activity.  It is harder for men to make friends.  They don't communicate the way women do, so it can seem very mundane to them ~ sports, politics,  . . . . um . . . sports.  Women allow them to talk about themselves and their feelings.  Anyway, hang in there and don't stay up to howl at the moon!!  You will get run down and sick, and then you will be of no use to yourself or anyone else.
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