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justm
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Needy husband..

Needy husband.. My husband is very needy and I have recently found out he is posting personals ads to "find someone to talk to". He says there is no intent on cheating. I came upon a few of his responses when I was fixing his computer and he refers to me in each one. This is the 2nd time he has done it in our 6 years of marriage. In 2005 he had a personals ad for a week, before he ?realized that it wasn?t worth losing his wife?. Then in June of this year he had some games on Facebook, do you want me, do you think I am attractive?rate me. I found out and he apologized said he was just doing it to find someone to talk to. I am not a needy person and I don't know how to deal with him. He would be extremely happy if it was just him, the kids and I, if I didn't have my close group of friends. I on the other hand, need to get away, need some time for myself with my friends. I love him but this newest thing has me really worried that he may start cheating. He says he won't, it never crossed his mind, but why does he need female friends who will listen? He has one friend whom I detest because I know she is after him, all the signs are there and I told him I didn't like her or want her around, so he has gone to seeing her behind my back. He says he does the facebook and myspace stuff because he likes the attention. I feel like he expects me to dote over him every second of the day, and it?s just not possible for me. I have a family, work, and school to deal with too. I actually asked him if he is so miserable with me, why does he stay married to me and his response?because I love you more than life itself. If he loves me, why would he do this? I really want to get past this but I was blindsided by all this, I thought we were happily married. What can I do to help him, to help our marriage? I really do love him.


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Equus
593 answers
708 thumbs up

   " I have my Freedom , but I don't have much time " Wild Horses . The Stones                                                  Protect The Mustang .

                                       

                                                  

                                                              



 
                                                                                                             

I see both sides .  Would have a big problem with my husband lying to me by going behind my back to do anything , let alone seeing a woman who his wife feels is after him .  He's told you he does this for the attention , and while you may feel you spend enough time with him , apparently his needs are not being met , he's told you he is Lonely  .   And it doesn't matter who is right or wrong , it is the way he feels .   You most certainly need to stay in marriage counseling , in my opinion your marriage is in a danger zone .  Your husband is seeking attention from other women because he feels he is not getting enough attention from you .  And that is NEVER good , sometimes things start out as innocent and end in disaster .   As far as him needing to make friends , I think that is wonderful , but not with women only and that is the impression I am getting .  Not that he cannot have female friends , is he also searching for male friends ?   What did your marriage counselor have to say about your husband's internet seekings and your feelings of worry ?  
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DB Lady
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Live simply, love generously and  care deeply.

 

Hi,

    You said you really love him but you don't have enough time with him that's why he resorts to the internet and the other woman friend.  You spend time with your friends too.  Why don't you spend the time with your husband instead of your friends?  I am a woman and I believe if I did this to my significant other, he would do the same thing.  I think that if you want to save your marriage, you need to set your priorities in the right place.  Both of you need to make each other the priority instead of other friends. 

    You need to consult a marriage counselor and I bet you that he/she will tell you the same thing I just said.  I hope you will be able to patch up this rather distant relationship for your children's sake.
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justm
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But I do, I spend tons of time with him. We do something every week just the two of us and lots of things as a family.We are even involved in some running clubs together as well as charitable orginizations. He tells me he doesn't have any friends to talk to like I do, so he gets lonely. He was on the phone and i read your response to him. He agrees that he needs to make friends, but says that its not easy for a guy to make them. He says its much easier for women to make friend then it is for guys. We are seeing a counselor and she says its good to have some time to yourself or with someone else, just as long as its not our first priority. Which it is not. My husband and family are first, then my job, then my friends. He wasn't posting stuff life hey lets hook up, it was more like. Hi, how are you. I see you are graduate of xxx, I am going there and will graduate in 2009. Maybe we can start a xxx network and see how everyone is doing.  Or hi, I see you race horses. My son loves horses. How long have you been racing? Do you like country music? Do you ever go to cowboys? If so maybe we will run into each other there as my wife and I like to go  cowboys too about once a month or when we can find a sitter....etc. Not once was there a hey lets hook up, or how about we meet or anything like that. I read the responses and the posts.  

 
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Skitch
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Surrender.  Surrender.  But don't give yourself away . . . .

   ~ Cheap Trick ~

So, if it is all innocent, why are you so upset?  I have always found it easier to talk to members of th opposite sex.  Also, so much of married life is talking about the yucky (for lack of a better word) stuff ~ money, jobs, the kids.  We forget that we actually had interests before we melded and brought the children into our lives.  Your husband needs to talk about himself to people he doesn't know, to feel like himself and not just a parent or a husband.  He likes to hear new opinions and he probably likes to know that other people are interested in what he is saying.  If he isn't being unfaithful, and it is making him happier and more relaxed, then I don't see a problem.  You could ask him if he could try to find men to talk to instead of women, but he may be the kind of guy that can't make or sustain male friendships.  He is doing this because he needs to.  You have your friends, he has his computer friends.  I think they are both healthier than being friendless and lonely.
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DB Lady
2671 answers
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Live simply, love generously and  care deeply.

 

So after all, your husband is not needy.  He's just trying to make friends with people.  As long as he does not cross the line of cheating , then you don't have a problem after all.  You understand him after all.  That's great!
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