Hi Mom J, at this point, I have the same questions as Linda. You appear to believe her father paying for her therapy in some way diminishes what you did as a mother for her as she was growing up, or somehow puts the value of your efforts in question. This is an assumption and may have no bearing on the reasons your daughter is seeking therapy and allowing her father to pay for it. Even if her father did suggest it, she is 31 and we can assume she would not agree to it were she not feeling the need to explore issues...issues which may have to do with a continuum of subjects. These subjects probably do include the fact her parents divorced, however, it would be easy for you to feel the primary issue is to undermine your competency as a parent. This is a common feeling among mothers, who used to be thought the target of children seeking therapy. This is not a reality, merely a lack of understanding. Your daughter could just as well be upset with the absence of her father and he has offered to pay for assistance in addressing any injuries in their relationships. In any event, children should not be put in the position of choosing between parents, no matter who had custodial responsibility and who shows up after the hard part is over. Your daughter wanting a relationship with her father is not a betrayal to you, but a normal wish of most people to want to knowtheir biological parents. If you and your daughter have been close, tell her directly what your feelings and concerns are. She may or may not want to discuss what is a personal subject for most people, and you must honor this. If the therapy does have aspects related to you, you can be sure her therapist will encourage her to address these with you when your daughter is clearer and ready to address them with you. I am a therapist and this is a certainty. Also, when children come of a certain age, it is necessary and normal for them to have conflicts with their children. This is an emotional growth period, challenging the child/youth to move into developing a stronger sense of separation from dependency, and a growing sense of self and compentency. Sometimes saying "I love you" is expressed in limiting setting, such as "do your homework," "clean up your room," "no, you cannot go to see the movies on a school night..." If there was no period of some degree of intense conflict between you and your daughter, you are the exception, and not the rule of many parents who have "close and loving" relationships with their children. Were you afraid to have conflict with your daughter, and what was the necessity of saying "I love you" to one another everyday. Often needy people need to hear and/or say "I love you" when they feel uncertainty in their roles or relationships. Without meaning to, parents under the burden of a broken marriage and single parenthood, often feel entitled to the child's undivided loyalty, view adult relationships with the absent parent as a betrayal, especially when the absent parent is able to pay for therapy which your 31 yr old daughter in fact feels she needs. This is an issue you may need much more education on as suggested by the few statements you made and the sweeping, though unspoken, generalizations you made in your post. Single parenthood is a very difficult role to play, and resentment toward the irresponsible parent not contributing emotionally and financially to childrearing are difficult to understand, forgive, and not resent with a vengeance. In the end, I believe you and your unmarried daughter may be able to help one another in talking about the feelings you had as she was growing up, spoken or unspoken. Even if you never spoke of your feelings about your abandoning exhusband, children soak up parents feelings and behaviors and it does impact their abilities to experience intimacy in a relationship as an adult because their model has been one of the danger of trusting a mate through the underlying messages and resentments they grew up with, like the white elephant in the middle of the room. Do not interpret this as a criticism of you...these are possibilities. The real facts will eventually be shared with you when your daughter is comfortable in doing so. You may be surprised that your assumptions were off base, or in need of being filled in with lots of facts. If you are obsessing about this, therapy may be a consideration for you as you have not gotten over your resentments of being abandoned to raise a child, only to have your adult daughter develop relationships with your wealthy, resented ex-husband AND the woman he stayed married to. It is important not to feel entitled to your daughter's unshared loyalties and to address your own unresolved feelings about the relationship between you and your ex-husband. Good luck to you. VS
