Love vs Lust. Can i forgive my husbands affair?

Jackie, ultimately this is a question that only you can answer.

In reading what you have written, it sounds to me as though you are asking for permission to feel the way in which you do.

And I suspect the bottom line is, you're done with the whole mess.

Hon, if that is truly the way you feel then please acknowledge that to yourself. I know you think you should be leaping for joy at your husband's declarations, but emotions are not always logical.

I think you need to take a look at yourself and figure out which path you wish to follow. If you decide that you want to stay married but you are unable to get past your husband's betrayal, then you might seek individual counseling to see if that will help you get a handle on things.

If you decide you'd rather not put any more effort into it, then please allow yourself to move forward without guilt or regrets.

You deserve to be happy but what you have typed in this question says to me that you aren't.

Jackie ,  I agree with JK that you are not happy in your marriage .  Your husband had a Mistress , he committed adultery , the Ultimate Betrayal .  Him loving you and being in love with you are two different things . When a man is in love with a woman and adores her he does have lust for her . 

A couple things you said bother me . To quote you  " I KNOW he loves and ADOREs me. I know this, because most men would not put up with all the drama i have done to him in the past two years. "  end of quote .  He created the drama , he brought the drama and hurt in to your marriage by committing adultery .  Most women I know would have kicked his butt to the curb , I know I would have , so please do not take the credit for the hurt and betrayal HE AS CAUSED and is still causing . As JK said it is as if you are asking permission . 

 The other is"  I found out two years ago my husband was having an affair on me. When I found out he ended it right away, did all the right things. "  I suspect you wonder, If you had not found out about his Mistress would he still be committing adultery ???  Along with will he do it again .  Is he sorry for his adultery or just sorry he got caught ?  Will he cover his tracks better the next time ?  Did he admit to adultery or try to lie ?  He's broken the bond of trust .  His Mistress meant enough to him that he put you at risk for a STD perhaps one that could kill you . He put you and your marriage on the line for her .  I would have a problem believing that this man loves and adores me .  Apparently he DID NOT and IS NOT doing all the right things .  You still feel he's changed in his intimacy with you .  His actions are making you feel guility and has you questioning yourself as a woman .  Yes he is still with you ... physically , but in your heart he is not with you as a man who loves a woman should be .  Therefore he is failing in his efforts to save his marriage .  Again he is the adultrous here not you , you have the right to feel betrayed , this is something that you will never forget .  Apparently there were /are problems in your marriage , not saying this is your fault .  One never corrects problems in a relationship by going outside of the relationship . He should have come to you , he choose instead to betray you .

Having said all this , if you decide to continue in this marriage then get back in to marriage counseling , find out why he continues to act as he does , there is a reason . I would also get back in to single counseling to help rebuild your self respect and confidence .  Stop blaming yourself for feeling what you feel . They are your feelings and one can't help what they feel .  You have also used the term " All Men " . Jackie all men do not act as your husband has , that is a bunch of horse manure .  The world is full of good , honest loving men who are faithful .  If the two of you can't work through this then it is time for you to move on with your life .  And if you decide to do this , do it knowing you did not cause the end of your marriage . Life is to short for you to live with a man whom you are not happy with .  He should be your best friend and make you feel in and out of the bedroom that you are the most beautiful , sexy woman in the world to him . Actions speak louder than words , he's not getting his job as a Man done . You no longer feel safe in his arms and I wouldn't either .  Take care of yourself , you deserve to be happy , not wondering and questioning yourself .  Again you are not the adultrous , he is .  Or as Dr Phil says " He ran this off in the ditch it is up to him to fix it " . I wish you the best Jackie .

i agree with the other answers.i am so sorry you have to deal with this.yes,men lust after other women,but the security is when they dont act on it.everybody is different,and while you may give him credit for conforming,you cant help or undo the damage that has been done.please keep seeking advice and comfort,you will find it where its right.a person can do wrong and be trully sorry,may never do it again,but the time machine has not yet been invented and the reprecussions can be long lasting or permanent.only you will know with time.dont blame yourself for his weakness,you dont have to blame him either,i know you want to forgive him.but dont blame yourself if you cant.keep searching.

Yes, I understand your feelings. "He lusted for that other woman." But "lust" is a sexual feeling that craves expression. Admittedly, men are more lustful than women. In spite of the research by Masters and Johnson - sex research in the seventies and eighties - it is today generally accepted that the male sex drive is far stronger than a womans. This is not to excuse your husband. But sometimes a relationship, expecially when there are children involved, takes precedence over a lustful excapade.

That your feelings for him have been damaged is a natural response to his seeking another woman. But if he will not go astray again, your response will change and the old relationship can be restored. Give it a try. 

Is having his love enough, and always knowing that he lusted for someone else? No to me it seemes your makeing an excuse for him just to save your marriage is that what you really want???????. Let me ask you this whose marriage is it yours our your childrens yes he is there father but you must look at it this way who is mostly satified you or your children?????. Do you think that being the sex kitten but you feel like a joke is an answer to it or is it your children are estastic that we are trying to make our marriage work, but they dont know what happens in the bedroom this is not your answer. As you also say I think of what they must have texted and emailed each other about wanting to be together this should be your answer. Like all men you have that wrong my dear not all men can agree with that fact he has told me she MEANT nothing to him. Clearly he is with me, but still i feel like I am the nice, loving comfortable wife is this what you want only a comfortable wife. First of all you must have TRUST 100% to make a marriage work. You  KNOW he loves and ADOREs you are you sure of the facts?????. Trust me he is telling you what you want to hear not the truth. How much longer are you gowing to live with your head in the clouds?????. Now if he has done it once what makes you think he will not do it again????? now ask your self that question and think on it long and hard.

Ok this affair ended 2 years ago and you still haven't chosen to forgive. It is you that is still stirring with the turmoil inside. You must choose to make yourself happy. You can't continue to carry this burdon. It isn't him anymore its you.Yes it was origionally his fault but you have got to take some blame here for continueing to live unhappily.

You must make a choice. Do you want to stay  and Forgive or do you want to leave.

If you choose to Stay and Forgive him STOP dwelling on what they done together. You don't need the details of his sex kitten. THEY HAD SEX. Details only add fuel to your fire of jelousy. I know the feeling of wanting to know and wanting to be better and greater and superior to what she was. The ideal here is that she is different , You aren't her stop trying to be her be yourself. YOU must find away to rebuild your self esteem. He took that from you (if it was there) but only yOu can put it back.

You can't even enjoy sex with him because YOU think of her  not your own personal enjoyment. There is physical enjoyment in sex even when you are emotionaly frustranted. BUT  #1 don't go in there and start a fight about HOW or What THEY did . Block it out of your head you don't need to know.  Go GET what you want. When those thought cross your mind remind yourself i'm getting what I want and she can't stop that.  Stop cuttting him off as punishment   you are only punishing your self...  (if you lack the desire for physical sex you may be driving him into the bed of another woman) My point to all this is that even if it begins as jsut being physical the sex will begin to strenthen your connection. Do it every day for 7 days.  but DONT CAUSE A FIGHT. expecially in the bed room. It kills the mood you just allow her back into your bed and you invite her.

After you have worked out some of this frustration through sex do you feel better?Can you start to forgive him and start rebuilding TRUST.   If you say no then do yourself a favor  and leave.  you will always be miserable and unhappy living with him.

Your husband was unfaithful and it is a horrible feeling. If he is truely sorry then look at it this way  MEN are NOT perfect (NIETHER ARE WOMEN). You choose to love someone dispite the imperfections. DO YOU STILL LOVE HIM? If YES GO TO THE BEDROOM. IF NO LEaVE. 

ONE MORE thing ADMITT that SOMETHING Was wrong in the marriage to tempt him into another woman. Don't try to think  that you want things the way they were befor...    before  something was wrong   ... You want to make your marriage stronger and better than it was before.  ADMITT Your faults don't go pointing out his.   LET it go if you want to save your marriage.

DON"T GROW to be a bitter and cold hearted woman who got cheated on. Live Laugh and Love. 

Ok i'm sorry if all this seems a bit harsh but you need it. It has been 2 years! Make yourself happy. You chose to stay for a reason 2 years ago. Don't continue to make yourself miserable if he has give you true reasons to continue not to trust him then leave. But remember that no one is perfect and I'm telling you dating and starting over isn't easy. You could and can leave and May find a wonderful new person who would never hurt you  and live happily ever after but you may already have that man in front of you. If you feel he is truely remorseful then let it go..

God bless you and Good luck  

Smile and be happy