Life after divorce?

Hi,

Nothing can bring down our feelings of self-worth faster than an emotionally disasterous marriage and divorce.  It is natural that you would feel very off center.

 After such an experience, it is time to do some soul searching, some self discovery and some self-nurturing.  It is not time to find a new love interest.  Often, if we do not find ourselves first, and get a good handle on knowing what it is we desire in life and what we do not desire in life, then we will find ourselves in the same types of relationships over and over again, wondering why.

The reason many have a long line of disappointing relationships is that they do not take the time to find themselves first on their own.  It is a good thing to know that you are with a person because you want to be and not because you need to be.  It gives you a much stronger base of operations and a better chance of not losing confidence and purpose.

I would suggest you find out what passions you have in life that do not involve dating, and really nurture those for a while.  Even if you find Mr Right and Forever, you will want to have your own interests and creative outlets so that you are not lost in someone elses life.

If you spend time nurturing your own growth, you will find that people you resonate with will gravitate toward you naturally.  Telling them about your life will be a lot easier. 

I was in the same boat.  Got married on my 18th birthday, had quit school etc.  None of that needs to hold you back.  Focus a bit on what steps you need to take for you.  Do some deep breathing each day to clear your head a bit.  And look in the mirror and tell yourself you are going to love yourself a lot and not let yourself down. 

Remember though, you need to ask yourself what it is YOU really want to do.  Not what does the world around you think you should do.  When we follow someone elses dream, we can't make our own come true, you know?

I suggest,if I may, you travel as much as you can and meet new people. I think this helps not only discover new places but yourself too. Meeting people with different perspectives of life can enlighten your own and unveil information about who you are and what you want from life. Remember that the worst is behind and now you are on the right path by getting your degree as a nurse and this should prove to yourself that you are like a trooper and have nothing to prove to anyone as you have proven to yourself that you are a tough cookie:o) The right man will see this and cherish you as the great person you are.

First and foremost, you have already passed the hardest part of your situation. You have legally detached yourself from a crummy husband; now it's time to emotionally detach yourself. While it is fun to go out, dance, drink and kiss other guys, you need to start taking care of yourself and treating yourself right. Worry less about what other guys are thinking and worry more about how you feel about yourself. You may benefit from speaking with a licensed counselor, to work through some of your feelings and distrust of others, specifically men. Continue to study hard for your GED and remember that you are the only one who can better your future and by successfully completing your GED, you will be one step closer to becoming the nurse that you'd like to be.

If you choose to continue dating, I don't recommend mentioning anything about a previous marriage to your dates, at least not at first. It is important to be honest in the beginning of all relationships, but it's also important that you allow yourself to move on and not let your past haunt you and hold you back from enjoying your future. Don't allow unfortunate decisions you made in the past destroy your hope for a better future. I'm not saying to lie; what I am saying is that you do not have to mention the previous marriage or the miscarriages until you feel comfortable with and around the man. (This could takes weeks, months or as much as a year.) If he is mature and responsible, he may be a little shocked, but after the shock subsides, there will be an opporunity for your relationship to grow. If he is immature, he will walk out at the first opportunity. And in this case, you are better off without him. Just remember that when you do tell the guy about your past, do not allow yourself to walk into a "self-pity/I hate my life" circle where you are looking to be taken care of. You are not looking for a guy who will take care of you. You are looking for someone who will love you first, and as a result, will take care of you. You need to be able to differentiate between these two.

Feel free to contact me at relationshipguru@gmail.com if you would like to speak in more depth. I would love to help in any way I can.

I know what it is like to be in your shoes, when my husband left, I felt like every morning I woke up, there was a weight like someone was standing on my chest.  The grief at times felt unbearable.  Divorce is like anything else, you wake up, you breathe, you take one step after the other and in time the world don't feel as heavy as it used to. 

You've been through so much for such a young age, and I'm not going to lie to you, it's going to be difficult...... but not impossible.  Your going to be way more mature then most people you date, because of your life experience.  I would suggest dating people a bit older to compensate for the gap in maturity. 

The biggest mistake you could make now would be to "settle", settle for a mediocre date, man, job, studies, or worse a life.  You deserve the best, so what ever you do, don't get desperate.  Know your own value, and to hell with whoever can't accept your past, they will just weigh you down or stand in your way.  A true friend or love will support you, respect you for where you have been and where you are going in life.

Take this time to learn your worth, make some goals and write them down.  Manifest your desires into reality by looking at your goals daily, and focusing on what you want and need in your life. 

When on a date, don't tell until asked or until there is that nagging feeling in your stomach to let them know something about your past.  Also, there is no turn off more strong than a sob story about an ex, show your strength by keeping it short and conveying your prowess with the "been there, done that, so over it" attitude. 

Trust will come very slowly, but it will come, more so though for the people who earn it from you.  Just don't bust their balls too hard, remember everyone is different.

As for love, it will come too, and when it does you will know it with every ounce of your being.  Don't over analyze, just go with your feelings, it's ok to be apprehensive just don't let it consume you.  Trust until you have a reason not to.

I wish you oodles and oodles of luck, and don't forget to smile, it's your best accessory!!!!