I have problems with myself... I'll start with my history of psychological trouble. I'm trying to be as accurate as possible, but well... I'm biased;]
As a kid, I was the only child for years - cooed over, always overprotected. I didn't have to do anything around the house and was selfish little brat convinced she's perhaps the smartest and greatest kid in the world.
When I was 16, I had to change my high school due to my family moving to another city. I was very shy, didn't know how to talk to these big city kids - ultimately, I ended up as one of the freaks and loners in my class. I dressed differently, I listened to different music, I read. I didn't pay all my attention to my looks like they did... As time went by, I felt more and more estranged. My sister was a baby, my parents were couldn't understand. I wanted some help from my mother - how to dress or do my make up, but she saw everything as being fine and didn't see any need for helping me change. Unlike her, I could see the difference between me and others. I thought - perhaps she thinks that with me being unattractive, thin, pale girl with strong semitic features (I've always hated my big nose) no clothes or makeup would help me anyway.
I gave up. I spent more and more time alone, with just books and my computer, didn't go out, didn't have any friends. I felt that my own life didn't matter anymore - I cared much more for characters from my books. I lived my life in fiction, in my head, feeling that my own life isn't worth living. I stopped taking care of myself, and while in fiction-world I felt great, in reality I started feeling worse and worse. I hated myself. I saw myself as someone disfigured. I was afraid of people's opinions so much I hardly left the house. I was even unable i.e. to order a pizza on the phone. I was always afraid of some terrible diseases (cancer, multiple sclerosis...). I asked my parents to take me to a psychologist - I found one on the internet, known as one of the best in the country, but very expensive - 80 euros per session. They agreed.
The man seemed ignorant of all my problems - he said that nothing's wrong, that I'm smart, not all that ugly and I shouldn't worry. That was it. He told me to come next week, he would do some personality and IQ test he needs for further therapy - but it would cost extra money. A LOT of money - too much for my parents. I gave up the therapy.
Started writing some poems and stuff... Slowly, I improved. In the last grade I was taking care of myself properly, I even did my makeup and styled my hair - something I never did before. I was still deeply imbedded in fiction, but less and less. I started a friendship with another 'freak'. Somehow I learned to live with myself.
In the summer after I finished my high school, I started relationship with a schoolmate - an ambitious, smart, handsome boy. We seemed to think similarly, he was also quite shy, had same interests. We both managed to get to the colleges we planned, both very good... And on opposite ends of the country. So, in the autumn of our first year, we went our separate ways - but didn't end the relationship. We still had the internet, phones... And we both visited our hometown as often as we could. I was totally in love, I haven't felt that way since I was 14 and in love with a boy even more shy than me (which is why we never were dating)...
The first year of my university studies was full of hard work - it kept me busy. I met new people - this time I managed to make some friends. In the time being, my relationship started to deteriorate. He was having mood swings - one day all affectionate, next cold and distant.
Our relationship went like one step forward, two steps back. He had an idea of having a baby on the first year so after the graduation we'd have a five year old kid and wouldn't have to spoil any other future plans with planning a kid. I didn't like the idea, to say the least - for me, life has finally begun, after all those years of being an outcast. He was an only child, with a very possesive mother. Ever since she saw me, she decided I wasn't the right choice - I knew it from his mother's friend who worked with my mum. I wore too short skirts. I wasn't religious (I'm an agnostic and open with that). I was an obstacle, I stopped her son from focusing only on his university studies. Our relationship became erratic. We almost stopped meeting in person, because he'd never be in our hometown anymore. I didn't want to be too brash, make demands. I didn't want him to think I'd beg for his feelings or attention. I felt too proud - I felt it should've been him to do the first step. He didn't. His method of breakup was to become extremely nasty and vicious all of a sudden and then - silence. I understood and never contacted him again.
The next months went uneventfully, possible for the exception of my short summer relationship. It was one-month romance. I wasn't in love. It was just a game - I wanted to feel attractive and adored... And I did. Neither was he serious. It started and ended. A few months later, on a friend's birthday party, I met my actual partner. It started quite quickly, a little more than a month later we were almost an inseparable couple. The first few months, I was in a dream, in love, feeling that I've found the man I've been looking for...
Then, I started to hear some rumours. I heard them before, but this time it was a more reliable source. I heard about his many previous girlfriends and the many girls he was friends with. I accidentally met one of the ex'es - she was rude and vulgar... Later she called him saying how unattractive girlfriend he found. He broke all ties with her.
Then I heard about the very previous girlfriend, my predecessor. They had a very sudden, passionate relationship (he met her when she was with someone else). She was older than him, very ambitious, very beautiful (I saw her - she's extremely attractive and exactly his type). They broke up after six months because of her behavior (exact opposite of my character). I heard rumours of their 'crazy romance', 'great love', always underlining how big and important this thing was. Ever since I saw her (she's a friend of a friend of a friend, I met her accidentally), I started comparing myself to her.
Obviously, I could never win... My only asset was being nice, having a good sense of humour and... God knows what. A few months ago, I registered on a social networking website. There - by accident - I found her. Ever since then, I started more and more obsessively check her profile, and watch her photos, always comparing. He doesn't know that. I do that few times a day, waiting for some new photos to compare. I hate it. I'm afraid that the love he has for me will never be as strong, as passionate as the one he felt for her (though he claims he never really loved her, just thought he did because he didn't know what love was, grew up in a broken family etc.). What I know is and what he admits is that with me he was more careful, because he didn't want to make mistake again.
What I think is that she was his ideal, romantic princess whereas I am just a partner perfect for 'mature relationship'. She was ethereal. I am funny. She was poetry. I am prose. I hate that...
I hate the compulsion to 'spy' on her on the internet. I hate the fear of being constantly compared to her (like, she hated his fave movies and I love them etc.). I fear that she'll be his perfect woman for ever, regardless of everything. I fear that for him, ideal beauty will always mean her (he denies this, then again - I know he lies in situations like this, out of fear, it's a fact). I can't stand being second best. Then again, I know I am - I'm not pretty, I'm not that ambiotious, I could go on forever.
Please - what can I do to stop these feelings? I am so tired of this obsession...
Hollie
