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Grayson76
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Asked about “Love & Sex on AOL Coaches”

Infedility and Forgiveness

I can have a hard time w/ trusting people. I met a girl in class and we kind of hit it off, but I knew she had a boyfriend. We became closer but things never got to the point of crossing any friendship boundaries. After witnessing a fight between her and her boyfriend over the phone I tried to cheer her up. We wound up hanging out a couple times and things became intimate; and I had assumed that her prior relationship was over. I was wrong.

She called me crying and apologizing one night after her and her boyfriend/fiance got in a fight, saying that she was sorry if she screwed with me and that she was probably never going to talk to her boyfriend/fiance again, that he needed to get his "life right". Later on she started becoming more forward about going out on dates...but I really didn't feel very comfortable with the situation anymore.

I was initially crazy about this girl, but this experience kind of sobered me up. Was I right to question her relational maturity and her feelings toward me (i.e was I just a fling, in the right place at the wrong time)? Or should I have sucked it up and dated her.

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Best Answer

 
Ashley.Hartkin
315 answers
503 thumbs up

Love your life as you only get one. 

It sounds like you were really the straw that broke the camel's back. You were able to open her eyes to see that her relationship wasn't good, and when she realized there was better, she went out and sought it (ie, you). But you cannot fake "liking/loving someone" and if you weren't feeling it with her, you weren't feeling it. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just what it is. I personally think you did the right thing by not dating her (especially since your relationship probably would have turned out to be a rebound relationship and not have lasted very long anyway).
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MondoBread
56 answers
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I think that really you just need to have a serious conversation, with her, to find out exactly where she is in her other relationship, whether she is available, and what she's looking for. It sounds to me like she was having a really hard time in her other relationship and that maybe it would be better timing and a good thing to try from the beginning with her.  I wouldn't be so harsh as to say that she is immature in relationships.  I think that maybe you just need to see what she says and give it another try.  Good luck.
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ElleJ
40 answers
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She could be that girl that jumps from one relationship to the next. I have to admit, guys usually do size up the situation correctly the first time. I really don't like that she hung up on him and picked up with you so soon after the fight. I would let things cool a couple of months and maintain a friendship with her. If the relationship is really dead with her ex, then proceed with caution but if she starts getting wishy washy run away fast. Also, let her know that you are interested in dating her but you want her to make sure things have cooled with the other guy before you get involved with her. Reassure her that you really are interested and will definitely take her out anytime.
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Grayson76
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Thanks for the advice, during our "interim" of things cooling down....(this episode occurred several months ago)...she wound up getting involved w/ someone else and I was beating myself up for not making any stronger moves, for thinking with my "mind" and not my "heart" so to speak. Your answers helped me to know that I don't have to be stupid and sell myself short to get into a meaningful relationship.

 
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Glyttch
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{Insert Catchy Phrase HERE}

I have to agree with Ashley, sometimes it takes an outside source to show someone that a relationship isnt working and maybe you were that person for her.  If she was serious about letting this loser go and spending time with you, I'd personally have gone for it, but like Ashley said, if your feelings for her had changed by watching her interactions with her other boyfriend then your relationship with her would have been doomed from the start.
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