Ok....this may be long but please hear me out as this is a very important dilemma for me. To best aid you in reaching a conclusion, here is my background: 19 years old, white, upper middle class, well educated (sophomore at a very good 4 year university) relaxed on the surface/hardworking behind the scenes, don't smoke anything but do drink occasionally, liberal, good friend but don't have many close friends...more like lots of "light times" fiends.
I met a girl, we'll call her A, two days after starting college. We hooked up, by which I mean just making out, and then after a week or so started dating. Would sound like a bad idea but, truly, we were in love. We could talk about anything and forever, the trust was there, the attraction was there, the incessant thinking of one another was there and for ten steady months. This wasn't infatuation.
Unfortunately, after a year and a half, I ended the relationship two days ago because while it was wonderful several issues pervaded our dating. Girl A never lied to me, but after our first three months said there were a few things she hadn't mentioned...
Her father was a drug addict and petty criminal who left and divorced the mother two weeks after A was born. Until she was ten A had a relationship with her father, who was lax with child support, never physically harmed her, but often made false promises or was irresponsible (i.e. didn't pick her up after school) After so many disappointments A stopped seeing her father and didn't have a relationship with him. He was killed in a car accident during her junior year in high school. She was crushed.
The effects of this obviously heart wrenching tragedy were apparent and disruptive throughout our relationship, and the ultimate reason I ended it. Three years after her father's death (A is 20 by the way) A randomly cries about two times a month. I want to help more than anything in the world, but she says I can't do anything or pushes me away. A is subsequently also hypersensitive about certain things, namely: any substance abuse, disappointment, sex, and money (she is very poor...but does have a full ride to university). The five times I was drunk at college over the course of sixteen months she yelled, cried and sought me out to lecture me. She sulked all weekend. Many times, opting to hang out with friends was viewed as choosing something over her and she'd pine or guilt me, which I know is dysfunctional. I gave up many friends freshman year. She envies me for being (comparatively) "rich" and often teases me...too much to just be in jest, about not having true blue collar work ethic, calling my summer jobs flimsy or my entrepreneurial efforts "created" work, and saying I'm spoiled. She also, after a year and half, only would have sex with me once because she is deathly afraid of getting pregnant to the point of absurdity. After ten months of dating we had sex. The next day we did again and the condom broke. It was spermicidal, she was on the pill, I didn't finish. Nonetheless she cried for a day, told her mom, and made me split the doctor's appointment cost so she could "ask" what the odds where. Of course, nothing happened.
She has two lawsuits that are ongoing and born out of the father's death which add additional drama to her life and a mother who lives alone. Her mother is nice to me. She never remarried. She is very generous but somewhat dogmatic in her views, which are liberal and moral but also high-horsed with pride and stubbornness. Girl A, for instance, isolated herself from many of her friends freshman year through refusing to admit some people can drink and not be alcoholics, or by calling out some people as "golden" personalities afraid of confrontation and obsessed with pleasing everybody. She herself lives to her standards and is not a hypocrite in that sense, never lying, never drinking or smoking, always caring of others and mindful of economic differences, always giving before receiving and always giving her true opinion, never afraid to laugh off a comment she thinks offensive. Trouble is she expects the same of everyone.
HOW I REACTED:
I love her. I took her to dinner once a week, comforted her, nursed her when she was sick or tired and for a long time turned a blind to these character flaws. During holidays and her birthday I gave her very expensive gifts but am not shallow, and always outweighed these with simple quality time together and cheap easy-point surprises or gestures...many poems.
During the first year my grades dropped severely and I spent too much money. I admitted this after hiding it from her and she was less upset than concerned for me. Her grades had not dropped because, lets face it, I did the planning and running around to surprise her and get her stuff. She made an honest effort to curtail all the time we spent together, but had great trouble letting go of weekly dinners out and all the time I had lavished on her originally. I set a false precedent, who could blame her? Nonetheless, she was supportive and concerned. Unfortunately the father issues, which she recognizes as a problem but also as something, in her own words, there is no solution to, persisted.
She has gotten better and made an effort, but often asks "you don't think I'm crazy do you?" to which I would always say no. I don't think she is, but she's broken. Fixing my grades and pursuing a few other activities in college left me feeling like I shortchanged her and couldn't give full attention to supporting her through her issues and so, to save her disappointment and to save my own grades (which did improve during the first semester we were together this year), I broke it off. She was hysterical. I was too. I really love her but I fear her problems have left her scarred and very emotional for life.
She is the most loyal friend I have ever had, smart, beautiful and hot (big difference) and great at everything in bed but sex, with a healthy appetite. With the money she had she would get me great gifts for holidays and made me tea while I studied. I disappointed her a few times in very big ways and she always found it in her to forgive me. We had lots of fun together, good times and bad, and truly are in love. We even travel and live together well and have put it to the test many times.
Do you think we can work through it, or is this a case of reality and circumstance defeating romance? I am in love with her and fear maybe I thought her influence on my grades now more than it actually was. I feel horrible. Should I leave it be or take it back?
