Husband addicted to and lying about internet porn

Hi Carolinka ,  First of all I am so very sorry your husband is putting you through this . Secondly YES he is a horrible role model for his daughters . I am aware there are certain addictions , however I am also aware that many people use this as an excuse for bad , dishonest , unloyal behavior . 

 I am sorry to say that I strongly feel your husband is involved in infidelity . Emotional infidelity at best I suspect he is an adultrous .  This is not just  Porn sites , he is also looking for whore houses , strip clubs , affair sites in local areas .  Red flags going up all over the place . There are major problems in your marriage and you husband refuses to seek professional counseling , which tells me he doesn't care about his marriage , his family and sadly yes you his wife . Perhaps he is avoiding counseling knowing the truth will surface . A man that loves a woman would try everything and anything to save his relationship with her . Your Husband chooses to lie to you again and again .  One cannot fix what one will not acknowledge . He is causing you pain and sorrow something your partner in life should never do .  You confronting him and holding him accountable for his willful choice of unacceptable behavior IS NOT A REASON FOR HIM TO COMMITT ADULTERY .  Do not put that on yourself , do not make yourself an excuse for his lack of character , honesty and loyality .  Communication , trust , honestly , fidelity are the very foundations to a good relationship .  Your marriage I feel lacks every one of these .

  I understand you love him however are you willing to live the rest of your life like this ?  How many chances are you willing to take with this man ?  Have you thought about STD perhaps one that could kill you .  I would hire a PI and have him followed , again I strongly feel he is being unfaithful to you and I would personally would kick his butt to the curb in a heart beat .   I am also going to suggest you get in to some counseling to help you cope with this and whatever lays ahead .  You are going to have to put your foot down , tell him no more lies , you want the truth .  Start by asking him if he is still in love with you . Tell him you are scheduling couples counseling and you expect him to go and be truthful .  He's proven to you he's a good liar .  There are consequences for every decision and every one of our behaviors . Tell him his consequence is losing his wife and family .  His actions will speak louder than his words , you are about to find out if this man loves you .  A Man who loves , values and cherishes a woman does not behave this way .  Listen to your inner voice , it rarely leads us wrong, unless we turn a deaf ear to it .  God Bless You .

Equus is right all the signs of a cheating husband. My wife would have my bags at the door waiting for me that goes the other way around to.

Carolinka,  I totally agree with Equus and Wishful.  Kick this guy like a football!  If he won't agree to go to counselling, you go by yourself.  You are being an enabler if you let this nonsense continue, and you need counselling to help you get over this.  You are an enabler by letting him have his cake and eat it too.  You cannot possibly love your husband for the way he is hurting you and your children.  You love the man he used to be.  He is not that same man today.  Again, I say if he won't get the help he needs to become the man he used to be, then you have to stop being an enabler and go to counselling on your own.  I am hoping things turn out good for you.

Anna Sparky's Mom

I may have a different opinion on all of this, Carolinka.  First, you married your husband knowing that watching porn was something he enjoyed.  You accepted him as he was.  You said that you had a wonderful sexlife, but you felt that your husband watching porn was unhealthy somehow for your daughters.  Why?  Did he watch it in front of his children?  Did he leave movies around where they could see them?  How would they even know about this?  The issue was yours.  You didn't want him to do something that he had been doing all his life and enjoyed all his life.  So, you asked him to stop.  Porn may be an addiction for him, or it may be an outlet for his sexual energy.  By telling him to stop, you threw him a curve.  It sounds like he tried to stop.  Unlike the rest of the responders here, I don't believe that looking at something or reading about something or even fantasizing about doing something is the same as doing it.  You have no proof that your husband did anything else but look at those sites when he felt safe to do so when he was away from home.  Just keep that in mind when you think about what everyone has written.

Now, you have a big decision to make.  He refuses counseling, either because he is embarrassed or because he doesn't really feel he is doing anything wrong.  So, if he won't see someone about this issue, the ball is solely in your court.  Was your husband neglecting his girls in order to watch porn?  Was it getting in the way of him socializing with other people or working efffectively at his job?  If it wasn't doing any of those things, I wouldn't call it an addiction.  I would call it something he has enjoyed his entire life and that he doesn't want to give up.  You can either live with him watching a few movies, because, I think that allowing him to be himself again would be healthier for everyone, or you need to decide if this is an issue you are willing to end the marriage over.  You took him for better or worse.  He wasn't hiding this from you until you made it a bad thing.  It really is up to you.  Understand though, you play a part in this issue.  You changed the rules that had been working before.  You are the one that has to decide how bad this situation is for you.  I am sorry that this is hurting you so badly.  I hope that you are able to find a way to keep your family together and everyone happy and healthy.  You all deserve nothing less.

Tell me, how does your husband watching porn hurt you? Is this like having a relationship with another women? Do your girls get damaged if he watches porn in privacy? Are you assuming that a male sex drive is the same like a female's? Let's get this straight: your imposing your view (female) of sexual needs on your husband (male). Yes, I hesitate to generalize but isn't it a fact that the male sex drive is far stronger that the female?

Yes, sexual needs are different, a man's more aggressive, a woman's more caring. You need to make adjustments and recognize this difference. Yes, of course, this does not allow your husband to have affairs but it certainly allows him to view pornography which, whether you like it or not, might be lewd but certainly a distraction that is harmless.

I enjoy porn, though I'm certainly not an addict. If I had a wife I likely wouldn't look at porn as much because, well, I wouldn't need to. If his enjoyment of porn is affecting his life, and yours, then it is an addiction. You seem to feel your marriage is worth working to save, but he has to admit that he has a problem. It does seem that if he's looking at brothels and such, if he's not already cheating, he's at least thinking about it. I don't really have any good solutions for you. I've never been addicted to anything except maybe cigarettes, so I really don't understand how someone can be addicted to porn. But I know you do have to communicate your concerns to him, and he needs to communicate honestly with you. It may be time for a marriage counselor. You need to get rid of your attitude about porn being bad and objectifying women and so on before you'll be able to deal with this. ALL men objectify women. This will never change. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't mistake me. We love women, we honor women. We respect women. Well, some of us. We are able to treat women as equals. But women control the sex, and quite often are selfish and behave badly about it, and so we also objectify women. But that one small quirk should not affect anyone's life to the extent it seems to have yours and his. We also have intelligence and common sense and we don't have to act on any fantasies or desires we have. He obviously wants something he doesn't feel he's getting from you. But he should  communicate that to you. I've often been surprised by what women are willing to share sexually if you're just honest in telling them what you want. Within reason, of course. Porn itself isn't harmful, I don't believe. But his addiction to it is causing harm. That needs to be resolved.

Perhaps your husband has decided that "he" is not happy and would like to live out his porn fantasy.  Have you thought about that?  If he has decided that he wants "more," there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it no matter how much you love him.  The more you try to make him feel guilty about his sexual desires, the closer he gets to porn.  If you really do love him, don't you want him to be happy and fulfilled too?

Blessings,

~ nmpb ~

One of the most pervasive challenges in dealing with pornography addiction is denial. During the past number of years and particularly since the introduction of the Internet the world has become so desensitized to the issues surrounding sexuality that we no longer know where to look for what is normal behavior. What is pornography or sexual addiction? There are numerous definitions of addiction but they all seem to have a few things in common. A return to unwanted behaviors that are associated with negative consequences after one has made a personal commitment to stop them. These behaviors are induced by unwanted strong and persistent cravings. 

It is important to understand at the outset that pornography is extremely addictive by its very nature. Pornographers understand this very well and know how easy it is to manipulate people by their material. Pornographers are making millions of dollars off the natural vulnerabilities of people. What they offer destroys meaningful relationships quicker than anything else I’ve seen in my clinical practice. It trumps depression, anxiety and even drug addiction in its ability to destroy trust and peace of mind. Pornographers would have you believe that their material is harmless. Nothing could be further from the truth. Listen in part to an email I received recently. “My fiancé has a serious addiction to pornography. I’m slowly falling out of love with him because of this… I have no clue of what to do. This has broken my heart into a billion pieces. I don’t know if I will ever feel good enough again or if I want to even marry him”.

Sexuality can be a strong and binding force between two people when based on trust, commitment and fidelity. It is a very personal and private part of any relationship. Those who make this private part of their lives public lose a part of themselves in the process. Those who view the private sexual lives of others through pornography also have something drawn out of them. Clients have described it this way to me, 

“When I’m viewing pornography I feel like my positive energy is being sucked out of me and then replaced by this negative energy that leaves me feeling heavy, dark, depressed and ugly.”

Facing the truth about oneself can cause emotional pain. The very nature of the addicted brain is to avoid pain at all cost. The addicted brain has learned to interpret pain as a threat to survival and therefore employs the very powerful force of denial. In order for one to get better and to grow emotionally, one must learn to face and accept the truth about themselves. There are really only two ways to deal with this dilemma. One either makes a decision to face hard personal questions about themselves, or one becomes more hardened and self-justified. If one becomes more hardened they will use one of four psychological principles to continue in the behavior. Social psychologist Albert Bandura posed the question, “How can otherwise moral individuals act behaviorally in ways that appear so clearly at odds with their espoused values”? Through years of research he came up with the following answers.

• Moral Justification “It’s my right I am an adult”, “No one can tell my what to do.” “How is this hurting anyone?”
• Dehumanization “There just pictures, I’m not having a relationship with them” “It’s just fantasy it’s not real”
• Minimizing “It is no big deal” “What I am doing is my business and it doesn’t affect anyone else.” “Quit making such a big deal about it.” “It’s just a little porn, everybody does it.”
• Displacing Responsibility “It’s not my fault” “If you were in my circumstances you would do the same thing.” “I can’t help looking at pornography if it’s everywhere.”

Because your husband is starting to view external sources, shows a serious addiction. All you can do is love him and encourage him but you have to think of your children. Sometimes people will only change when a negative consequence occurs as you will read in the story about

.