Help me save my marriage, please!

Hi,

I agree with Oron that you need to seek out counseling, if not for you both, than at least for yourself. That is the first step in trying to save your marrige. But you must also take into consideration that since your husband is in the military (is he on active duty?) that circumstances may constrict what his schedule is. If you don't mind my asking, what are you two generally arguing about?

OK, rather than wonder whether you should have gotten married and should have had a child let's look at the current situation: you *are* married and you *do* have a child.  With your husband having been gone for the first part of your marriage, there is always the issue of establishing new routines once he has returned,  Alll military families have these problems.  In addition, you are, functionally, in the first year of your marriage, a time of adjustments to one another complicated by the presence of a baby that has its own needs.  I also assume that if he is in the military, you may not be living near your family which would proide some support.  All of those factors combined with your age MAKES things look very difficult at this point.  It is possible to get a start on counseling by scheduling an appointment with a chaplain.  He/she will listen and give you some direction in terms of finding help.  He/she may provide it him/herself or may have other ideas as to where you can turn.  Your marriage is not doomed; you just need someone to help you get your bearings and to figure out what kind of help you need.

Dr. Rona Michelson, marriage and family therapist

First, you having your baby with him is not the reason these problems are prevalent. Just being young and being away- especially within the first years of marriage is going to be trying for anyone! Those years are going to be filled with arguements and tears! If you love him and he loves you (and make sure you both feel the same) then it is possible to make it through this.

Secondly, you have to ask yourself and he needs to think also about whether you both are the kind of people who can make a long distance love strong? I am not that person. Sometimes being honest with yourself is important. If you can and if he can then you both need to focus and try harder. If you feel ignored by him or that he wont listen to your concerns then maybe he doesnt love you to the same degree at which you do.

Marriage is sacrifice and if one is willing to go to counceling and the other isnt, then its not meant to be. Thats tough! no one wants to "give up". But my momma always told me, "Girl, you have to learn how to pick your battles, fold your cards, and swallow that lump of pride thats sitting at the top of your throat."

Good luck! 

Your marriage has an extremely slim chance of survival.  An open discussion is important.  I would suggest having it with another couple rather than at a counselor.  Be patient and loving.  No yelling!  No manipulation!  No guilt trips!