dear flora,
been there... except i wasn't afraid of god cause i don't believe in him...
find someone and talk to them about this issue... not online.. 1-you need a face to face conversation... 2-you need to cry your heart out... and finally 3-you need to get this negative energy out...
you might want to consider visiting a psychologist... but a trusted friend/family member has to be there before the psychologist because even though he/she might not be able to help you, they'll be there for you.
don't be scared, it'll all go away, trust me.. i really do know how you feel when you cross the road and hope a car hits you cause you're too chicken to actually kill yourself...
i wrote a short story as well, it helped me get the anger out.. (it was about a homosexually necrophiliac sadistic serial killer..) try it :-D
and if you need anything else don't hesitate to ask...
take care