Hello Terri;
I certainly don't envy the position that this must put you in during some 'family discussions.' With your daughter - and your husband - saying the same thing; that's just the way it is and that's that, I can imagine all types of untennable situations that must arise. Ms. Wechsler hit the nail on the head when she said there are ways to react, and to Not react. This sounds like a very complex issue within the dynamics of your family and by far the best way to deal with it is through family and, perhaps most importantly, individual therapy or counselling. The fact that neither is willing to follow Dr.'s advice, as far as medication is concerned, may prove an indication of their willingness toward family counselling. I think that what will prove most beneficial, to all involved, is to go to individual counselling to learn all you can about the disorder, and to get a firm grasp on what types of behaviours may be caused or affected by O.C.D., and which types have little - if anything - to do with the disorder. The way you have explained it, it sounds like the daughter is getting a free pass on personal responsibility, with her father's blessing no-less.
I say, learn as much as you can about the disorder, and start putting up your own walls - as to what types of teenage angst can be blamed on the disorder, and what types can't be. Also, if the disorder is something that she feels she needs no help in dealing with , then she should be making the necessary adjustments, so she will learn to deal with it in a way that is as non-intrusive to others as she can.
Time to put your foot down Mom, just learn as much as you can so that you have the knowledge to back your decisions.
"Neither through age or status is wisdom achieved, but only through experience."
I hope I have been of some assisstance, One thousand blessings to you and yours Terri -Jamie