Hey. I'm a common 18 year old girl that has been plunged into the depths of lovesickness! I'm in desperate need of love advice - so please help me if you can! Here's my question... Ever since I was 7, I've really REALLY liked this guy that was 4 years older than me (i.e. at the time he was 11, now he's 22). But the thing is, even at just the very young, immature age of 7, my crush towards the 11 year old boy (called Matthew) was not a normal attraction, but more an intense bond which left me feeling insecure and uncertain around him - at the age of 7. Unlike most crushes, I wanted to avoid him, due to the insecurity my love brought on. This made me feel abnormal - if I liked him really this much, surely I would be just desperate to see him all the time? Anyhow, it didn?t really matter what I thought. As both my family and his family were Christians at the time and attended the same Church, our parents were very good friends and met frequently (almost every week or more so). Henceforth, due to the strong bond between our parents, I had to see him every week. I had to go out with him (in the prescence of his family andmy family) and experience extreme uncertaincy. I can't quite explain how I felt. It was almost like a sense of fear - that if I revealed my love to Matthew, the perfect fantasy I possessed of us being together would be destroyed. Quite frankly I was also petrified of being rejected, and could never adapt to the idea that Matthew was too old for me, and not a perfect match at all. But I knew differently. I knew he was the one for me. I would think about him all day ? every day, and eventually became so obsessed (after a few years of the crush ? now aged 10) that I made silly links between me and him. For example, as my name is Stephanie and his name is Matthew, I?d made silly connections like M&S (Marks and Spencers ? Matthew and Stephanie). I knew what I was doing was pathetic. But I couldn?t stop. I eventually confided in my mother after many years of discomfort - who told me I was being immature, and should focus/concentrate my love on somebody of my own age and interests. But it was no use. No matter how much I tried I couldn't destroy the intensity of my emotions to Matthew - nor gain the courage to confide in him. And it only got worse? One day my family and I had been invited to Matthew?s house for a normal social event ? a usual Sunday tea. Once again I was beside myself ? half happy that I would be able to see Matthew again, but half anxious of what would become. I remember that day ? sweating in the car, and thinking up plans of how I could pretend to faint, in order to get myself out of any of the possible awkward, embarrassing situations involving Matthew and my ?secret? crush. After a long and very clammy car journey my family finally arrived at Matthew?s house. Up to this point, Matthew had shown a normal friendly attitude towards me, but by no means a return of the love I had showed him? or hidden from him. But today was different. It seemed Matthew had caught up with my stride, and was starting to show me some love. Of course, you may think this is the perfect happy ending to the story ?and me and Matthew will be together, ending my insecurity, and ending the tale. This is were you are wrong. Very wrong indeed. The excitement all began when Matthew asked me up to his bedroom. With long, blonde, straight hair ? Matthew is a great fan of hair straighteners; and so forth offered to straighten my hair for me. Of course, I was half exhilarated (my one and only crush had just offered to fiddle with my hair) but for some unfathomable, annoying reason? embarrassed. I said yes, of course. But shyly. And from this point onwards, my unsual funny, bubbly personality died down to a quiet, mousy voice. I would always say yes, but in a quiet, uninterested way. Almost as though I was actually uninterested in Matthew ? which is perhaps what led him astray. The wierdest thing is I was interested. I was madly interested ? madly in love at such a young age. But I couldn?t help myself ? I simmered down to the size of a mouse and could never relax in his prescence no matter how gentle Matthew tried to be. He?d speak to me softly and play with my hair ? but I?d either not retailiate, say/do something stupid or push him away. He once tried to kiss me, he would brush past me and try to touch my skin at any possible moment. He always brought me into his room away from everyone else and looked deep into my eyes. He would make sexual contact too, and push me onto his lap ? but he was no pervert. He?d always be gentle. He?d always hug. I longed to hug him back. I loved his cuddles ? but I hated them too. I loved and hated his smell, his prescence, his touch. I can?t describe how I felt. All I know is that it was very awkward/embarrassing ? and that I made myself look like a plonker. Everytime I went round I would do something so stupid! I would even reject him. Perhaps it was embarrassement that led me to make such a fool out of myself ? but I regret every second of it. If I could turn back the clock ? I would. Not only did I act like an idiot, pretend I couldn?t hug and generally embody a fool ? I also rejected him a couple of times for reasons I still cannot understand now. Once, out of sweetnesss, Matthew played the classic song ?You Raise Me Up? on the piano to me and sang along with it (he?s got a heavenly voice) and then asked me to sing back to him. Guess what I said? ?Sorry, Matt. I?ve got a cold!?. How pathetic! Now I would long for him to sing such a romantic song to me, and to return the favour would be a once in a lifetime chance. Why the hell was I so stupid? I don?t know. The worst of these experiences was when Matthew had arranged for a family member to ask me out on a date. Ever since I was a child I had been longing for this moment ? but the response I gave was pathetic. It happened to be New Year?s Eve ? and my family and I had been invited around Matthew?s house for a party. Both Matthew and I love Indian food (we have much in common, as we both discovered during this period) ? so the family had prepared a cultured buffet. Just as Matthew had planned it ? his father got talking to me about Indian food and restaurants, as Matthew left the room (pretending to get a drink). Just as I had desired, his father said ?You should go on a date with Matt ? go get a curry. What do you say? Matt would love it?. There was an awkward silence. The poor boy must have been shivering outside, hiding from view, trying to act cool. And I should of understood ? as I know how it feels. But no. Guess what I said. I had to go and break the poor boy?s heart. ?NO! NO! NO! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!?. And he walked back in, straight away, to avoid embarrassement. I felt so sorry for him. I just wanted to run straight up to him, and put my arms around his neck and hold on for ever and ever and ever and ever. But I knew I?d broken Matthew?s heart. He?d tried. He?d tried to help me out of my insecurity. But I?d rejected him ? and I knew he wouldn?t want anything to do with me ever again. And I was right. Ever since then, Matthew has approached me with a strange approach. Nothing like before. Sometimes he doesn?t seem interestered at all ? and seems to enjoy and intensify my discomfort when we meet. Perhaps that?s just because he thinks I?m boring? My personality shrinks around him so maybe I?m just not good enough in terms of personality. Perhaps it?s because I broke his heart. But until I get some help I?ll probably never find out. I?m still obsessed with him at the age of 18. Pretty sad really, after all of that. But I can?t help it ? I know these feelings are real. I know I?m in love with him ? and no matter how much I try to conceal my emotions, and bury myself in my work (I?m a barrister in a London high court ? result of me burying myself in my schoolwork to try and hide away from Matthew and my obsessions) ? I just can?t escape. And my feelings are growing stronger by the minute. I still see Matthew ? and struggle to find my tounge at all around him. He appears to have a girlfriend, and everytime I meet him I want to burst into tears. But I just sit there arms folded ? depressed. Soon something bad is going to happen. My self-esteem is lowered completely and I badly need help. If you care at all: please answer the following questions, in relation to your gender. QUESTIONS: If you are a girl?? Can you understand what I have done? Would you have done the same? ? Do you think Matt still has feelings towards me? ? Is what I felt love or just a crush? ? What should I do now? If you are a guy?? What would you have done in Matthew?s situation? ? What would you be feeling, as a guy, if you were Matt? ? What would you be doing now, if you were Matt? ? Would you still like me now, if you were Matt? ? What should I do now? Thanks. I appreciate your help. xxx
