Since I can remember, but most especially in the past year, I've been struggling with anxiety, heightening self-esteem/self-worth issues, depression that comes in waves, as well as occassional minor OCD tendencies that spring up (ie. compulsively checking and double checking that I locked my car, that I filled out my bank checks completely and correctly, and checking to make sure I have all the contents in my purse that I need). I have never had any sort of constant stream of negative feedback. I always felt loved by my parents, always had friends, and even been generally thought of as pretty. I feel like I am worthless, that I have nothing to offer, and my boyfriend deserves better than me. My boyfriend tells me I'm pretty, but I internally question whether he is just saying it because he thinks he should. Casually, he occassionally mentions when he thinks another girl is pretty. He doesn't mean to compare me to her, but that is how I always take it, though I've never told him. This past October, my dad died after a terminal diagnosis he was given 4 years ago. At the time that he was diagnosed, my mom decided to tell me that my dad and I are not biologically related. I don't know if these two events are tied -- but it seems likely because all my problems began sometime around my dad's diagnosis. I don't feel good enough. Often my self-doubts and anxiety render me incapable of anything. I get huge knots in my stomach when I know I need to perform the simplest of tasks. I'm a perfectionist and an extreme type-a personality, and I beat myself up inside every day. I can't turn off my nervousness. Deep breathing doesn't work. I don't know what to do, or if all my problems are related.
My self diagnosis is generalized anxiety disorder. Not sure if this is accurate. If any one has any suggestions as to how to deal with these problems, please let me know. I am also generally opposed to drugs.
