My children have been gone for 4 1/2 years and ...

If you have joint custody, then why haven't you seen them? If there was a court order, then your ex wife is violating it! You should go down to the courthouse and file a complaint against her. She has no right to withold visitation from you. Are you paying child support? There are so many details you have left out.

If you and your ex wife simply had a verbal agreament to share custody, then you may have more difficulty in straightening this thing out. Still, she is not within her rights to move far away from you, or out of the state you live in. If she has, same story, file a complaint.

My guess is, she has poisoned their minds against you. They are probably hurt and confused about the gay issue. Your son at least, is an adult. You can contact him without her permission or approval. I would reach out to him, and not give up until you have a face to face meeting with him, and then continue to meet with him.Start with a heartfelt letter, if you have an address. If you don't, track him down. You can do it. I know I wouldn't stop looking, if it were my child.

You sound like a nice man. I'm sure in time, your children will grow to love you again. They want to NOW, but if you haven't made an effort to see them in 4.5 years, they simply don't think you care. Keep in mind, they are children.

It is up to you. Good luck.

If you are a loving good dad, I say yes your children will come back to you. It is not their job to contact you! You are the parent, be one!

If I were you, I would just go there, and see them in person. That way, the wife can not intercept. You have exactly the same rights as she does, you need to exercise them!

In no uncertain terms, you should see that she is held accountable for accepting your child support, then moving far away while there is a joint custody order. That is SO WRONG! What a horrible woman! I would not let her get away with this one minute longer. She has already done untold damage to your relationship with your children....end it now.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm sure with time, you will win them back. They are probably already aware that their Mother has questionable character, you will probably look like a saint when held up next to her. Just stay honorable, don't resort to her tactics.....your reward will come in the end.

I've read the above advice but don't see anyone saying what you can do to help you "rebuild" your relationship with your children, should you get the chance. Your children were merely victims caught in the crosshairs of an adult relationship gone bad with no way to cope with the death of what was supposed to be their "safe" place in the world, their"family". So...

Bad News: There is no quick "fix" for this situation.

Good News: There are some things you can do should you get the opportunity:

1) Start by being honest with your kids...If you did everything you could see them, tell them what you did; if not, tell them how much you regret not fighting harder...say you hope that, in time, they will be able to forgive you. 

2) Did you send cards, letters, etc. but they were returned? If so, I hope you kept them so you have proof that you were thinking of them and wanting to be with them.

As for now:

1) Keep in mind that this will be about building, or rebuilding, a relationship with your children. You don't know what they have been told about you or what they have "suffered" without you...the "burden of proof" is on you! Let them know that you understand that they may have lots of questions about the past 4 1/2 years and that you will answer them honestly. FACT: While love is usually given unconditionally by children ("You're my dad and I love you, no matter what."), this is about trust, which must be earned ("I hate how you leaving and never hearing from you made me feel."). No matter how unfair it seems, it's up to you to show them that you are a person of integrity who is worthy of their trust. You can do this by demonstrating these 4 qualities: Accountability (accepting 100% of the responsibity for every thing you said/say and did/do); Dependability (your "yes" is "yes" and your "no" is "no"; you are where you say you will be and you do what you say you will do); Good Judgement (they see that you are learning from your mistakes: good judgement comes from mistakes we learn from, mistakes come from bad judgement/ignorance); and Honesty (this is what "binds" everthing else in a relationship together). If this seems too hard or discouraging, keep in mind that this will be a process and processes take time. Over time, you will need to establish a "pattern" of these 4 qualities, which means they begin to see them in you. (This is called a "pattern of certainty": the human brain is only convinced that something is true when it experiences it consistently over time.)

5) Be prepared to not take it personally if your children are angry with you. Console yourself with this fact: deep down children love and miss each parent , no matter how bad they were or are supposed to have been. This is a normal response to real or "perceived" feelings of injustice, abandonment and/or neglect. It can also be due to the fact that children see their parents as being "all powerful" which in turn, creates a "You could have fixed this if you really wanted" f,airy-tale mentality. What can you say to them? You could tell them that it's okay to be angry with you. In fact, if you were them, you would probably be very angry too. (This doesn't mean that you don't require respect for your own feelings, opinions, etc.) Children must know that a parent can withstand their anger before they can learn to manage their own and, to respect the parent and their boundaries and the boundaries of others. Why? Well, when children, of any age, sense that a parent has a strong, respectful boundary, it acutally makes them feel safer, solidifies their own boundaries and creates respect that parent. (Maybe not at first, but eventually they will come around.)

6) Let your children know that there was nothing they could have done or said that would have stopped mom and dad from divorcing, This is because they are still age-appropriately self-centered, consequently, they think that they are more influential (powerful) than they really are and believe there must have been something they could have done, or done differently, that would have prevented this. Fact: Childhood is technically birth to 18 years, but the male brain does not mature until age 29 and the female 24-26 and that's if they have had a "healthy" childhood. Because of this, and the trauma that divorce always causes, it's safe to say that your children still have this "mindset" in the way they view the divorce. Every chance that comes up, say something like, "This was in no way your fault", "This was about me and your mom and our relationship", "There was nothing you could have done or said that would have changed this" or simply "This was not about you in any way". 

7) Never say anything bad about the other parent, no matter how true it might be. Why not, especially when it's probably been done to you? Well, because children who are torn between parents will only become more angry, causing them to shut down or act out...everyone loses!

These are just some ideas...the most important thing is your dedication, motivation and attitude. Children know when they are being "manipulated"...they just don't know what to do about it!

If you would like some good articles about how vital dads are to every aspect of their children's development, both boys and girls, let me know. I teach parenting/life-skills classes for dads and would be glad to share what info I have put together for the groups. Dads parent differently from moms for a reason and it's my goal to let dads know that they are vital to their child's physical, mental and emotional development and on-going sense of well-being; that they are not disposable, dispensable or replaceable; and to inspire them to "claim" their children no matter what the resistance. A dad who fights to be a part of his child's life and who makes every effort to be "available to them", gives them an anchor for their developing self-image and self-esteem and helps the to develop a positive self-worth and self-confidence. "Moms tell a child that they "are" and that they "belong"; dads tell a child "you belong" and "You can!". P.Basler 2009

Depends on what lines your ex wife has said about you as you are most probley a victim of what is commenley called braine washing by your EX and possably Husband or Boyfriend lets not forget her family as what has been said to them. And god only knows what has gone on behind your back as at the age of 18 they are adults free to make up there own minds as to if they want any thing to do with you.