Sammie, I just ran across this question as well.
Look, we've already discussed this. You are doing your best to handle things and that is all you can do.
You are not required to do this in any way except the one which works for you. Each person in this world is different, Sammie. And each one handles stress in his or her own way.
It seems that you do not handle it well. You experience extreme anxiety and you turn to smoking and drinking to help you handle it.
Okay, so you have now taken one step to help yourself by beginning A.A. That's great, Sammie. Keep handling your life and your stress one piece at a time. That is all anyone can ask of you.
And Sammie, it's okay to be afraid. Being afraid is normal and healthy. It is only when you allow it to be the sole focus of your life that it can cause you trouble.
Sammie, I think you should ask your A.A. sponsor for suggestions on how you might address your fear without turning to drinking again.
I know you're afraid to think about it because you think you might get colon cancer, but I'm afraid that's a fear you'll have to live with until you have the test and find out otherwise. Stress can contribute to illness, but I truly don't believe you will get colon cancer simply because you're deathly afraid you might.
One step at a time, Sammie. One step at a time.
