I am a 25 year old female struggling with intrusive fantasies of being violently tortured molested, raped, assaulted, murdered, and abused. I remember having less violent fantasies in middle school when I would put on a dress and make up and arouse myself with stuffed animals or phallic objects. I wasn?t even sure what I was arousing but I remember trying to recreate a feeling. I remember telling my best friend in 8th grade that I wanted to die by being hung from a tree and tortured. I never told him about the fantasies but then I didnt really notice it. I did have a desire to be raped or molested which lead to my getting into cars with strange men and has advanced in adulthood to going to bars alone, getting drunk and letting men take me home. As a child though, I have no idea where I got it from because I was never sexually active until I was 17 years old. There was no pleasure involved, he had to force me to do it. I hated sex for years but became promiscous over the past 3 years. I've never been abused. I have been forced to have sex, but nothing that I would consider rape except by my ex. I started seeing him 2 years ago and he became extremely violent when I tried to resist sex (he'd previously came inside of me against my will and I genuinely wanted nothing to do with him). After that incident, he became a violent sex hound. I didnt connect my constantly allowing him to come back to these desires for the abuse until he couldnt come back anymore. He's in jail now for 3 armed robberies. I have been celibate for the past 8 months because I am afraid of being sexually involved with someone, but the fantasies have been more disruptive than ever and so intense that I find myself wrenching my hands around my own neck to simulate being choked. For the last 2 weeks, I can't seem to think about anything else and I am often late for work for staying up all night and lying in the bed all morning with these thoughts. I dont want to be around people like this. It's sick. Rationally, the thought of rape and abuse disgusts me. I get sick to my stomach when discussing it and I cant watch scenes like that on television not because I am aroused but I am generally terrified for the victim. That's why I cant understand why the thoughts manifested in my head evoke pleasure. I have also had episodes of sleep paralysis again. It'll start with a strange nightmare followed by lucid dreaming of a dark male figure entering my room and hovering over my bed, strangling me, placing a sack over my head or straddling me. The scariest part is that I feel awake but I cannot move or speak and I feel an overwhelming evil presence around me. When I wake, my throat is sore from trying to speak, I have tears running down my face and my heart is racing. I feel like I am a wreck. I wasn?t diagnosed with depression until February after attempting suicide but I have been described as the saddest child people have ever seen so I guess whatever?s wrong has been going on for a while. I don?t know if this is at all related, but I have had unexplained urinary burning and vaginal pain since I was a child. Doctors, OB/GYN and Urologists?.never find anything wrong. Please help me. I dont know whats wrong with me.
