Hi I am new here and hope my question isn't too long. I just need to know if I'm out of line here. My husband teaches at a university and is around many young thinking minds... he is an intellect and very inspiring... and helpful... and kind. There is a student (more precisely a "student-worker") who i feel he is too close with. I've read emails and SMSs and it is a bit too friendly for my liking. There is no "sexual" talk, just more of the encouragement stuff,like you're the best of the best, you just know so much, etc. or more of an emotional and academic support. He bought her a little book awhile ago but didn't tell me... i found the receipt. He has erased an SMS message.... he told me that he knew I would be upset about it, luckily i read it before he erased it... it said something like "I couldn't wait to tell you until tomorrow, but we won the cup". She says exactly the right words to him, pumps his ego up a lot, thanks him for this and that, it's like she's gone on the internet and done a search on how to "catch" the man you want!!! He really enjoys being with her... he's told me that it is a pleasure. And yes, i've talked to him about it, a few times now...a few of our discussions turned to horrible fights. First told him it was "too friendly" and she should be talking to her girlfriends like that. Then another blowup conversation where i told him he was hurting me. He denies it and tells me I have a jealousy issue, etc. etc. so i said if you don't think you are crossing the line let me see your emails (he used to quickly close his emails when i came around), so now i have his email login info...the emails continue even on weekends... it's like they can't wait to talk about "intellectual" stuff until the work week. It's been going on for about 5 months...and it's really hurting me. He still shows me affection and is wonderful with the our girls, but I feel like he's not all there and she's on his mind a lot. What to do????
Wow Samya you have a right to be mad or upset. Why is it that men think its ok and think nothing of it...but if a women does it its not ok. So I would suggust a couple of things hows that. (1) try and talk to him again about it and let him know how bothered you are by this with out hime saying a thing untill you finish but in a calm voice. (2) if that dosent work and gets you nowhere then I would spy on home and see if he is cheating on you or having an affair. I dont think age would matter here so I hope you are not going to say that he is to old for her or she is to young...you have seen the new and sometimes they age thing doesnt matter which I find that to be disgussing. Dont let him know you are spying on him borrow a friend car. Again this only a suggestion. Or take up a class with only men in it and see if he likes that...Lol Good luck.
Oliana
Be honest and be true to yourself.
Hi Samya,
It must be very difficult for you to feel this way and to deal with your husband. I suggest marriage counseling. You need to save the marriage because you have kids and you love him.
If after marriage counseling,he does not change his behavior, ask him if he prefers to be with her and if he will be happier if he left
you and the children. I don't believe in platonic relationships, somehow most of the time it turns out to be a love relationship.
In the meantime, continue to be the loving, caring wife like you are and pay more particular attention to how you look, lose some weight, take some hobbies, take some dance lessons with female friends. Try not to dwell on this. Don't show that you are overly worried about him hooking up with that student. He probably will wonder why you act
differently and will pay more attention to you.
Take care.
Hey, Samya
Listen, I went threw the same thing. I learned that letting the thoughts of infidelity eat me up, worring and questioning him made the actual situation WORSE. It seems normal to be concerned but in the end if all he hears is about how you are super uncomfortable with her, you will become "Annoying" to him, which will make it more appealing to him to read her e-mails or talk with her at school. I dont mean to be negitive but heres my theory. Think about it, if he becomes unhappy talking to you about things, or finds that you are unhappy with his new female friend, he will as men do, try to play the "Insecurity card" or the "Jealousy" tip. as women we are territorial, and what we have worked had for to keep alive and strong should be ours!, but they (men) dont understand that, they will believe that we are trying to knock there pride. and in the end of the long ongoing emotional dissagreement she will become the "breath of fresh air" because she will be the one complimenting him, and agreeing with every little thing he blinks at..... So FIRST DO THIS, put her behinde you, act as though she doent exist, dont speak of her for a while and if he should speak of her, just listen as if she were an elderly old lady with great advice and wisdom.....sounds funny but it works. also try complimenting him on little things, like they way he smells, or praise his ideas, and read into his thoughts, what he shares is important...ALL OF IT, so although it seems a little rediculas, try it out, do it subtly but discreatly enough where he might actually notice. THEN try this, invite her for lunch, make it less personal by having a barbeque where there is a mix of company, rather than having her inside the house. Now i dont remember if you had said he was a coach or teacher, but If hes a coach make it a "team thing" have him invite them over for a casual cookout after a game. and if hes a teacher, then visit him at his class with things for a picknick, but do it for the whole class. Then see how she reacts to your presents, and how he reacts while the three of you are all in the same space together. It will allow you to be spontanious, ans mingle with his work, youll learn a few things also, which will give you better insite to what he does all day, and it will open up the realm of conversation at home. doing it unexpectedly will DEFINATELY open the door to some pretty interesting questions when he arrives home, so just tell him you were feeling spontaineious, (even bring the children) that will make him more surprized. and keep his mind off of the million other questions he may have. NOW REMEMBER dont get too posessive, let him mingle, and you mingle too, ask the students simple questions, like "Is he funny" " has he done anything that made them laugh", " is he messy" "Does he talk alot?" "has he told the class any dumb jokes" and let them in on funny things about him, it will give you the oppertunity to praise him and make him feel like a million dollars, especially if your girls are there talk about what a great father he is, and then what a supportive husband he is if its a team thing, bragg about him a little, do the same things but make sure you know he can here you boasting........ TRUST ME HE'LL LOVE IT!!!! Then later on after the backyard barbeque, or school house picnic, turn the evening down with something sexy and sensual, (I dont mean to get too personal) but this will focus the mood of intamacy, after a great day. Thats what I did, and trust me, if its something hes trying to hide, then he'll be extreemly uncomfortable and youll see her "friendliness" hush to a dull roar while your there.... I believe this will work it did for me, i just had to do something more than complain to make him realize all he needed to make him happy and to feel invicible was for me to tell him every so often, (even if i knew his head would swell up a little)......
Hi and thank you all for your responses.
Your responses made me think a little more, reflect on the thing as a whole.
I think I need to show him that I am not thinking of it, I need to keep our home life a good one... which is really tough to do but I will make an effort...for awhile there it was horrible because i dwelled on it so much, and I did feel the more I brought it up, or showed him I was concerned, the worse it got.
Pinklove, I think I like the idea of inviting her over... I'll have to think of how to get her here... My husband is a teacher and a program coordinator for a university. She is more or less his assistant which he really "relies" on and "trusts"....these words are continually used in their dialogue! I have unexpectedly gone by to visit him with my 2 year old....i thought it would be fun for her to see daddy at work and it would be a good reason for me to check things out.... this was during a holiday (I am a teacher as well but i was off, he was working on admin stuff). I called him from the car and asked him if we can come in for a little visit. He told me that it would feel a bit awkward. So we never ended up going in... thinking about it now i kind of wish i pushed it.
Anyway, I'll keep thinking of creative ways to get myself in her presence, break the ice and share how great of a dad he is... etc. etc. I like that idea... pinklove, is your hubby still in contact with "her", how long did it last? This student in particular will be in the picture for quite some time, at least another year... she graduates in 09... but my husband is putting together this huge program which i know he wants her to be involved in developing it...I feel he's putting this together so he can spend the next few years with her... it sounds crazy, huh? anyway, i shouldn't cross that bridge until we come to it.... for now I'll just cross my present bridges.
In the meantime, I'll keep myself looking good, feeling confident and being a good mom, and of course a good wife. We are going on a 6 day trip next week, so it will be family bonding time.We'll be visiting my family which will give me a lot of support and a strong sense of being. I can't wait. And our anniversary is coming up in May. So much to look forward to.
Thank-you all. I'll keep you posted.
PS Just a thought... Do you think I should start deleting any emails and sms messages that come in from her? Deep down I know that this is wrong, but a part of me believes it will diminish the connection? What do you think?
HI, you start deleting all emails and sms messages coming in from her so that she can not communicate with him. Good Luck
Thanks for taking the time to read my (extreemly) long answer.
to answer your question on if my hubby still talks to her now, the answer is not nearly as much as he use to, She does not call his phone, and there are no more text messages. but as for the e-mail, i am unsure if they are as frequent, i wont lie i sometimes get butterflies when i see him reach for the laptop. but usually ill go and grab a pillow off the couch ans snuggle up next to him acting as if i have no interest in what hes doing on the laptop....its usually ebay, but i figure if hes up to no good he'll get tense and ask me to wait or make a quick move on "X" ing out his email, but i havent seen any e-mails from or to her when i peek over his shoulder. Honestly, i am not the kind of woman to wander threw his things, or violate his privacy, although married, its still good to have things that are your own, and privacy should be one of them. ALSO if you do decided to check his messages, or e-mails, and you do decide to delete them, he is sure to find out especially if they work closely because of their profession....and it will surely lead to an open disscussion at home, or worsly an arguement... Think of it this way, if you and I were on here now and i sent you a message, and you said you never recived it, youd question anyone whom you may know who might have access to or know your PERSONAL password, or info to get email or sms??? and the first person you might ask would be your spouse or significant other, ESPECIALLY if you know he dislikes the other person.... (see where im commign from?).. I dont believe its such a good idea, just stick to yor guns, contiune on with your life as all the wonderful things you are that made him fall for you, after all you are HIS WIFE!!, no matter how great of a conversation he may have with her, you will always have not only his last name and chlidren, but also his heart....So dont worry if hes loving the confidence boost right now, it will pass. no matter how flattered he seems. She'll graduate soon, and if she decides to be part of his new teacher thingy?? dont sweat it, she might not even be interested... so try not to stress over it now, like you said, that bridge hasent been built yet... Im glad i could help. So kiss him before bed, wish him sweet dreams, snuggle up with him,and rest easy tonight!
PINKLOVE
i forgot to add, congratualtions on your anniversary, and have fun when you visit your family, tell him how greatful you are that hes joining you to visit them. (h could have had admin stuff) you know how men suddenly pop-up with "important" bussiness stuff, when ever in-laws are brought up..lol.. and make sure theres lots of laughing. MOST IMPORTANTLT DO NOT, i repeat DO NOT bring her up to anyone, and if you already have, then make them promise to keep it to thmselves, if its brought up on vacation, hes sure to blow up... a vacation, or anything awayfrom the home land for more than 48 hrs is considered a vaca, or trip... and just like you, your probably looking forward to "getting away from it all" and so is he!!! so leave it behinde!!!!!!!! you dont want negitive energy away from home too... i believe youll do just fine, enjoy yourselves*
Hi Pinklove et al, thanks so much for your support. We will be leaving in a couple of hours for the airport for our 6 day trip and i'm really hoping i can get him back. Right now we are just not as close as we should be and honestly, I have a lot of anger towards him and I know he does with me too (I can just feel it). He said to me tonight that it is home that is stressful, and i looked at him and said work isn't? So now the message i'm getting is that he doesn't enjoy being at home (but work)... I am so close to blowing up on him and calling him every name in the book. What does he think? He can just come home, ignore the girls, send emails, and do some R&R? ok, I know we all need that, but scrafices were made when we decided to have our two girls... I think the reason why they are acting up is cause things aren't that great at home and they can definitely feel the energy. And probably because they miss our good energy, the fun we used to have... yes, just a few months ago we had tons of fun laughing, playing, reading, etc. in the evenings, until this whole little "emotional fling" my husband is involved in. And to tell you the truth I'm fed up with it... I still believe he is crossing the line and I want him to just stop and look at what he's doing. He's got a beautiful family at home and he's going to dismantle it for what? Work? Statisfying a 19 year old intellectually, emotionally? That really angers me. And this 19 year old is clever. She really knows how to pull him in saying things like "I'm sorry for showing you disrespect. I really didn't mean that"...In one email she told him to have a good trip and see you in a week. Now it would have been nice if she said something like have a good trip with your family.
Anyway, pinklove, yes I like what you say about looking at her like a little old lady. I will and I will look good, laugh a lot and I mean a lot! With that comes good food and drink and of course good company. I CANT wait to be with family. i'm going to get him back... I've got six days to do so... I'll admit, it didn't start off well tonight... if this doesn't work, i think I will have to move back home to where my parents live(we live and work abroad) because i'm not going to let him think that what he's doing is ok, cause it's not... and truthfully he hasn't been that fun to be around. Hope something brings the spark back to our life...
Wish me luck.
Ok, so we are back. Our trip was not as great as i wanted it to be. I did not follow through on "leaving it behind"... and I am so upset with myself for not doing so. I was under stress, first for trying to keep our two young ones happy and comfortable throughout the trip and then trying to keep my husband happy (we were with my family, not my parents but with my aunt and cousins) and at the same trying to keep myself looking good... I did get some really nice comments too which boosted my self esteem a bit, good to hear. We had some good days, but we had two huge fights... yes I got out of control, and in front of the children. I can not do this again... it is not healthy for us. Anyway, i was upset because of "her". They emailed each other every day, of course about work, but little tidbits about our trip were shared, where we were, how long we were staying, etc. Our last day was nice though, spent at a hotel, out for lunch on the boardwalk...more like a real vacation which was nice. We both agreed. So, that was our trip.
I blew up again 2 days ago... gosh I know he must be sick of me, but what triggered it was when I woke up in the morning to find him (and for most of the night) sleeping at the edge of the bed, literally with half his pillow on his nighttable, how do you think that made me feel... horrible. So i was miserable all day when we finally got into another huge arguement... he actually snapped at me first... I told him about the pillow thing... i told him that as you know I am highly sensitive these days so anything will set me off, I also told him that in a couple of months I'll look back at this and say how silly it all is, continued to tell him about why "she" has to email every day... All his emails thank her for everything she does, "thanks", "thanks yet again", etc. etc. and I told him so, and I told him I never hear a thanks from you... am I not more important... he said it is not only her .... it gives an encouragement to students, I said, well don't you think I need an encouragement??? Blah, blah blah....I have to leave it alone now. We've talked enough about it or maybe too much. A fresh start is needed. This is Day 2 of not mentioning her, and being happy me.... cause really I am a very happy energetic person....
Pinklove, I'm thinking of having a little party for his "teachers" in June, and have him invite everyone, including her. I know he'll say no, but I want to do this and I'll try and convince him.... What do you think? Anybody? Thanks again.
Got an answer for Samya? Would you like to comment on the posted answers, or vote for the one which you think is the best?
Sign up for a free account, or sign in (if you're already a member).
Other people asked questions on similar topics, check out the answers they received:
Other people asked questions on various topics, and are still waiting for answer. Would be great if you can take a sec and answer them
