WOW!! Sportem you need to quit obsessing about everything you eat and your unhealthy obsession with excersize. You are obviously suffering from OCD and you need indepth therapy to overcome these obsessive behaviors. Your obsessions are merely a symtomatic manifestation of the underlying problem or problems. You need to get to bottom of what is really eating away at your psyche. For some reason only you know, you have tremendous feelings of inadequacies and obvious insecurities.
Victoria has given you some very sound advice on how to excersize, and eating healthy foods, but that is'nt what you need, because your obsession won't allow you to listen to reason. Your obsessive nature will overpower your ability to listen to common sense as is apparent in your orginal statement. You are aware of what you are doing, and know it is not in any way healthy, physically or psychologically. If you thought what you are doing or feeling was normal you would not be asking questions or looking for approval for your actions. And yes, you are desperately seeking approval, you're hoping someone out there will give you the okay to continue on down the self-destructive course you are presently on. If this has been going on since you were 12, and you were in therapy then, are you not seeing anyone now? If you feel you are slipping back into your old destructive habits, you should run, not walk to the nearest therapist proficient in dealing with this type of mental ilness, before it destroys your life.
Life is full of daily stresses and if you can't deal with it now, you are never going to make over the long haul. You have to get control of your life and find out why you have such an addictive behavior. And, yes it is a very serious addiction. It's every bit as destructive as drug or alcohol addiction. And with any addiction it is only the symptom of a deep seated, unresolved problem, that needs to be adressed before you can begin to deal with your eating disorder and your compulsion to excersize fervently. I have personally delt with this disorder in several people. And the one common denominator in each case (whether male or female) was a severe lack of self-esteem. Each one of these individuals, felt very inadequate and had absolutely no confidence in dealing with every day stresses that plague our daily lives. Some felt their parents didn't love them enough or at all. They always feel second best, regardless of their intelligence, their looks or their accomplishments. They feel nothing they ever do is good enough. When in fact they have a distorted self image of what they imagine others see. They could be straight A students, graduate summa cum laude, be outstanding in their chosen field or career and yet feel they're not good enough, they're not smart enough, or pretty enough. So they turn to external vices in hopes of achieving an unattainable goal. You have to learn to be happy with who and what you are, and stop trying to live up to this image of perfection that is nonexistent.
Please, get the help you need before things spiral completely out of control. Learn to like yourself, volunteer your time or services to those less fortunate than your- self (and believe me, their are many) take some of that self-absorbtion you rely on so heavily and turn it into something positive by helping others, and in turn you will help yourself. There is no better feeling at the end of the day, than knowing you lightened someone else's load (if only a little) or you made someone else's day a little brighter or happier for just being there. Take the emphasis off of YOU, and try transfering it to others, and you won't feel the need to starve or excerize yourself into oblivion. You'll be to busy thinking of more important things to do with your life, than the numerous ways you've chosen to destroy it. Why spend your life trying to attain a level of perfection that does not exist in this world?
Life is so short, and I realize at your age, the consquences of your actions have not yet begun to make their presence known. But they will, if you survive. And if you continue down this path You'll likely not survive for the damage you're doing to your body will certainly not reward you favorably. Eating healthy foods, and excerizing daily in moderation is a must for good health! But everything in moderation. Follow Victoria's advice, it works, I know, I've been doing it all my life, and so is she. Binging, purging, starvation, and obsessive excersizing is not the way to go. It's not healthy and it CAN kill you.
Please talk to someone right away and get back into therapy. And then make a placard and place it on your mirror so you see it everytime you look in it, with these words written on it: I eat to live, not live to eat, and I excerize to live, but I don't live to excersize.
I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a much better New Year!
