Divorced friend...unreasonable?

My best friend, Kim has divorced Sean. Between dating and being married they have been together for over 7 years. During that time I have gotten to be good friends with Sean. In addition, my husband is good friends with Sean. Kim filed in May and they went to court in September. She started seeing someone new in July. Both Kim and Sean were in my wedding last year. Kim is ok with my husband staying friends and seeing Sean, but she is not ok with me doing this. I’ve tried to tell her that Sean was in our wedding party because he was our friend not because he was her husband, but she doesn’t understand why I want to remain friends with him. He did nothing wrong for me not to like them. They just grew apart. She is now so angry at me that I was meeting up with Sean and my husband for drinks that she isn’t talking to me until I can apologize for being insensitive to her. She is willing to throw our 15 year friendship away because I won’t apologize because I don’t think I did anything wrong. I told her before that I intended to stay friends with him but she thinks it’s too soon. But she has already moved on to a new guy...am i wrong!?


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HappyYoga
126 answers
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Not only are you not wrong, but you are very right.  When a couple breaks up, one should not be expected to take sides nor to give up friendships that have been developed over time. 

 
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Rachel Inbar
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Fertility Stories - infertility experiences of people like you.

Being a divorcee myself, I definitely agree with you. If Sean had done terrible things (e.g., been violent against her; kidnapped the kids) then I would see it differently...

I lost most of my friends in the early stages of my first marriage because my husband was abusive. The people I was allowed to continue to be in contact with were all his friends and they stayed with him after the divorce - most are not in touch with me at all, none can I call friends today. One of these was my close friend for nearly 15 years, who I called daily when she was suicidal and afraid to talk to anyone else about it (including her husband) I even convinced her to get treatment... (She's gone on to completely get her life back together, including having 2 more children.)

Your friend must be worried about you choosing sides. I would just assure her that you're not a part of their divorce and that you can be a good friend both to him and to her...

Good luck!
Rachel
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No, I don't think you're wrong but maybe you just shouldn't tell her when you see Sean for a little while--until she's fully moved past it. Sort of a "What she doesn't know won't hurt her" type of thing.
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mae
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She's being very manipulative and I guess she has to feel that she can control both your friendship and some segment of her former husband still.

It's a tough call, but I hate blackmail, and emotional blackmail even more. Don't leave her high and dry, but be very assertive about your boundaries, and make sure she understands you won't put up with everything.  
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