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Disappointed long time valentine

i am in a long term relationship.  we are both middle aged.  he was going thru an expensive and nasty divorce when we started dating.  The relationship is 4+ years.  People describe our relationship as never having seen two people more in love and commitment to each other.  Sounds perfect? No.  He has said that he never wants to remarry.  In the beginning i thought it was the divorce and it probably was.  About six months ago we were at several different functions when he was asked if i was his wife, he smiled at me and said "she might as well be, but no not yet."  He lets people think that i am his wife if they just assume it.   He knows that I want to get married.  He bought a house and we have successfully lived togeher.  He is sending mixed message with these comments.  Other times especially recently as valentines day approached, and people got engaged or married how dumb they were to do that.  So when valentines day came and nothing produced, I became very dissappoint because i thought it might.  Any suggestions how to approacch him without pressuring him.  He knows that I am not myself and I cant hide my dissappoint so I know it will surface soon.  How do I let hin know how i feel without controversy arising. Help!!!


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OronD
5730 answers
8522 thumbs up

Love is the battery of life....

Hi,


It's a delicate situation and has to be handled accordingly......  If you have (as you described) such a close loving relations why can't you discuss it with him ?.  Choose the setting (you know what he likes) prepare what and how you are going to say and tell him someting like: You know how I feel about you and how important our relations are to me (and you sure know I want them to flourish) still there is that something that bothers me.....  now go to details (exactly as you wrote in the question you posted)....  don't hide the fact that you were dissapointed..... tell him you don't like vague (or double meaning) situations and you'll appreciate if he makes it more clear to you.   He might be frightened from another ugly divorce so calm him down and promise him that first you are sure you'll never reach that situation but even if you do you promise (and it can be ligally settled) that it won't be ugly (and not money consuming).
I wish you the best of luck (from your note I can sense that you are a lovely charming lady)
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brosen
1143 answers
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Obviously he is in a very comfortable position and you are not. In such a situation any way you approach him might be construed as pressuring. By not bringing up this issue and getting him to make a decision you allow this relationship to fester, meaning that you will remain just a comfortable companion. One way or another you must force him to decide. Hopefully if he will see that you are adamant he will ask you to marry him. If not, then you will have to decide where to go from there. We hope that you will be convincing.

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Thefiremommy
21 answers
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Thank you for your input.  You are right we should be able to talk about anything on our mind as we share just about everything and i can just bring it up at a comfortable time.  I just don't know if i can do that without sounding like i am pressuring him.  If we were both younger and had not already had children (we have 11 between us)  it would be easier to approach the issue.  One could use the old "biological clock" argument, but that is not the case.  I guess this is a classic case of having your cake and eating it to! I want him to come up with the idea and want  it, but i also want more progress at this point.  Just as recent as this weekend while dining out after bumping into a recent wed friend, who married after only 1 year, i made a comment that was a little scarcastic, like ""i guess she has something we all don't she got a proposal in less than 1 year."  HE WAS SPEECHLESS AND DIDNT SAY ANYTHING, HE THEN QUICKLY CHANGED THE SUBJECT.  So like you said it is a delicate situation, however i have to either give it more time and say nothing or be direct and take my chances.  Thanks for your lovely comments, i do invest a lot of time caring for him and nothing i do for him is a chore for me.  I also thought about your suggestion regarding legally protecting his assets, and i dont have a problem with that as the last thing i care about is money, however i feel for me to bring that up feels as though i am cheapening our relationship, at this point he should know me when it comes to money.  I pay one half the expenses and he is a generous man. I understand his feelings that a divorce is emotionally draining and that isnt bad enough then turn around and have to pay 80k just in legal fees alone not to mention dividing assets,  to put an end to it. On the other hand we have been together long enough for him to start losing those inhibitions and fears. Thanks again for your help!!! Please feel free to offer anything you can think of to help me feel more confident  "i guess i am more disappointed that i didn't get the traditional "surprise" of inpromptu formal proposal. I guess in my mind, i put off the "talk" it still might happen!! Thanks again
Posted 10 months ago ( permalink )
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Thefiremommy
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Thank you for your advice.  I am trying to decide whether i be very direct and discuss it or just wait.  Like you said, the problem with waiting is that, that will be exactly what i will be doing "waiting" and "waiting".  So I have to decide is it worth waiting and seeing if he catches on or just get the "talk" over with. Decisions decisions!!! Thank you for the male point of view, i guess that is what i am seeking.  I would like to know how many men were in this position and how it was resolved.  I am sure there are plenty out there as this is more of a common problem in relationships!! thanx

 
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Thefiremommy
21 answers
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more on disppointed valentine, Thank you for the suggestions, I appreciate it.....i received two answers i am interested in ...whether there are more points of view..................how about hearing from more men on this issue............I am sure it is not an uncommon problem
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