My problem is regarding my first childbirth. I got myself admitted to the Maternity Ward on 13th March’2008 at 7.00a.m because my waters broke. I was starving at that time since I hadn’t eaten anything since last night. The doctors and nurses instructed me not to eat anything. I had to wait for about 7 hours in the Ward since the Labour Room was full and I had to wait till a bed was free. All my clothes were drenched with sticky substance. When I was taken to the Labour Room(at about 2.00p.m.), it was like a slaughterhouse. There were about ten women in the Labour Room. All were half naked(nothing worn from down their waits) The women inside were screaming at the top of their voices with labor pains. The lady next to my bed was screaming and wriggling with pain. I got frightened to death since it was my first child birth and I wasn’t aware that child birth is a extremely painful process. The midwife ordered me to get on the bed. With much fear I got onto the bed. I was given some medicine through saline to induce labour pains but I didn’t get any pains. I was fully conscious and witnessed everything that happened in the Labour Room(how babies delivered and how the sutures are put to the torn vaginal area while the mother is fully conscious). I was in the Labour Room for about 8 hours(fully conscious). Since there was no progress, the doctors decided to deliver my baby via a cesarean section and I was taken to the Operating theatre and took the baby out. It was a lovely baby girl. unabsorbable sutures(nylon) were used to sew the surgical incision as my baby was quite big. Her weight was almost 8lbs. After that I was sent back to the Ward. I was shivering very badly. When the anesthesia waned (after about 15 minutes I was sent to the ward) and when the sensation returned, I started getting unbearable intense pain. It hurt like hell. I started screaming with pain. It was extremely excruciating. The nurses scolded me since I was screaming. I was given some saline but not any pain relief. I was so thirsty and hungry since I hadn’t eaten the whole day. I couldn’t even move in the bed. Every attempt to move was very painful. The pain was unbearable. Every inch of my body felt sore. I had to stay with the raw wound for about twelve hours. When a midwife tried to lift to a side to change the sanitary pads I again screamed with pain. After that a nurse came and said the rectal pain relief given to the patients who had cesarean sections were not available and told my husband to buy from outside. I had to wait till my husband went to the pharmacy and brought the pain relief medicine. I was in lots of pain. Nothing can describe the torment I went through while I was in the hospital.
Now I am having psychological problems. No matter how hard I try to forget this horrible traumatic incident I cannot do it. It keeps replaying in my mind (the pain I went through and screams of naked wome in the labour room is echoing in my mind). It’s a nightmare that keeps reverting to my mind. It has instilled in my mind. Whatever I do, it tags along with my thoughts. I have become extremely forgetful and disorganized. There were times I hadn’t flushed the toilet after me. I have lost interest in everything. I have forgotten to smile from that day. I don’t dress nicely now, I have spoiled my relationship with my husband. We are having arguments everyday. I can’t stick him. I get irritated very easily. My family life is going to fall apart. I feel like committing suicide. My husband wants a second child. I can’t even bear the thought of having another child and going through the same traumatic experience again. It dreads me to the death. When I think that my daughter too will one day go through this experience I feel faintish and feel like I am going to die. Every day I cry deep within. I have become tearful and moody. Everyday I am suffering from bad headaches. I am utterly depressed. I am living life just for the sake of living. I feel I am worthless. I have the strongest idea of ending my life. But what about my husband and innocent daughter? They need me. I feel very sorry for my husband. He is suffering because of me. Please help me. Please let me know what I should do. Now I can’t stand the sight of pregnant women( I get scared when I see them). I try to avoid pregnant women. Recently we went to a private hospital to consult a pediatrician for my baby. When I entered the hospital, I got frightened and felt faintish.
The most heart breaking thing is “my daughter going through the same ordeal”
This incident still eats at me to this day, it's just not something I can forget or get over. It affects my quality of life and I really wish I could move on. I know this is so far in the past but how do I get over and move on from something like this? It's impossible to do so.
Why only women have to go through such painful process? Isn’t there a pain free way to have a baby?
I have to deal with this problem by myself. All my family members and my husband are in the opinion that I should not dwell in the past and try to forget that incident and move on. They even scold me at times. When I told my husband about my feelings, he gets angry. Everyday we are having arguments over trivial things. My fault. But he doesn’t understand the trauma I am going through. I have nobody to share my feelings.