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I'm also an adult child of alcoholics. It's damned hard to be me. First of all read up on this problem. This causes a lot of mental and emotional problems, serious problems. Secondly, as long as this man continues to drink, he won't get any better. He has a hereditary disposition to alcoholism. He needs to recognize and accept that and stop drinking. Nothing will change until he does so.
Posted 2009-10-14T15:34:15Z
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I Think counsoling for the both of you together. That 's if you both feel doing this together. GOOD LUCK.
Posted 2009-10-14T17:56:21Z
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Heck NO!! In my experience--they talk the talk and NEVER walk the walk! Very similar to drug addicts-they will say what you want to hear BUT they don't mean a thing--just words! Some can do the counseling thing while others are scared to death of it and lie when they get there to save face. If this was my relationship I would walk away and not look back. #1 to drive while drinking!! He could run head on into you and your children or a strangers whole family--what a VERY stupid thing to do! I would not see him anymore!
Posted 2009-10-15T04:04:41Z
ankh was
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Hi, I think Bonestructure, Joann, and Ankh have given you very great responses to your question. You seem to care about this man. You also appear as if you are feeling guilty about your decision. That you have abandoned him in some way. You say that you knew him for nine months before you left him a month ago! Did you find out how his previous relationships ended? You say he has children, that means that he had another person(s) in his life prior to you. What went on in those relationships? Maybe he has always been like this in all of his relationships.
He has a lot of work to do for himself if he chooses to. You can't do it for him, neither can you convince him to change. He has to find a big reason enough to cause him to want to change for himself and for his loved ones. He may be wanting you back because you were providing him with something, or supporting his habbit without knowing it. Be strong! The best thing you can do for yourself is staying focused and staying strong! You have children to take care of. I have a feeling that you won't have trouble finding a loving and "caring" person to be in your life (if you choose to). Apparently this man doesn't love himself enough, and does not seem to care about how his behavior is affecting you.
Posted 2009-10-16T17:42:53Z
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I was in similar situation. I think it is worth another chance because it sounds like everything else works for you two. He must accept that he is an alcoholic and cannot cut down on his drinking, he must never ever drink again. I told my guy I was leaving unless he changed and gave him a few weeks' deadline, and then I didn't mention it again. We continued our relationship but of course I never put myself in harm's way, I declined to go to favorite places if they had drinking, if he had drunk before seeing me, I just told him to go home, I suggested new things to do in venues w/o liquor - in short, I continued loving him but did not accept his bad behavior, I just absented myself from it. Before the deadline he asked me to go to AA meeting with him, which I did. I let him know I'd go anytime he wanted me to, but I didn't praise him - why praise him for doing what he should do? He hasn't had a drink in over 32 years. I still never mention his drinking but when unsettling things arise I do tell him that I know he can handle it because he is a very strong person who has overcome many tough things in his life. I would suggest you have casual dating w/o serious talk until your deadline date. If he doesn't do anything serious to change, you must end it. Please let me know how it goes.
Posted 2009-10-17T20:25:04Z
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NOTICE: By the time you have noticed this notice, you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing.
I respectfully disagree with the above. I don't think that you should see him again; not until/unless he gets sober, preferably through AA. But, you cannot make him go to the meetings; he will have to want to sober up before it will do him any good. You are probably enabling him to keep drinking; the best way to stop doing so is to remove yourself from the situation. I would wait at least a year after he sobers up before seeing him again (IF you still want to see him, that is)--that's because, if he does decide to sober up, he's going to need that year to devote himself exclusively to the program, and he shouldn't try to divide his attention between you and it. But, again, you can't make him sober up; he has to want it for himself. Until and unless he does, don't mess with him. (BTW, being a child of an alcoholic makes him much more likely to "catch" alcoholism himself.)
Posted 2009-10-20T04:49:44Z
Dr. Dave was
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DO NOT STAY INVOLVED WITH HIM.
I've been sober 23 years; after drinking for35 years. Dealt with similar issues many times with many people. Go to a Professional Counselor with experience in alchoholism and/or any form of addiction BEFORE YOU MAKE ANY COMMITTEMENT OR LIVE TOGETHER; and take the counselors advice--a wise investment in your future
He must stay sober for at least one year---best to let him go until then. He will actually stand a better chance to find sobriety without you--you will be helping him. He will stand a better chance to make the right choice; that is "Life is better without alchohol"
Posted 2009-10-22T15:35:53Z
Ed Chombeau was
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manners are free: everyone can afford them
when you quit a job,you don't return to it. the ties are severed! you have not severed the the relationship. you have not ended it. it is just progressing at a different level. the problem with this relationship is you. you cannot commit to ending it as he cannot commit to ending his drinking. good luck with your unhealthy and addictive behaviors.
Posted 2009-10-23T19:41:45Z
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